i don't rly matter to anyone. i'm fine with being a loner. i've always been one. but sometimes, it does hurt seeing people you call your friends make plans with everyone but you. i try to be nice to them. i get them gifts, etc for their birthdays. not once have i gotten a gift from any of them before. that's fine. i don't rly care about my birthday that much as it's just another day. but yeah, they could at least take ten seconds out of their day to send a text or smth. idk. lately i've just been wondering what the point of anything is. yeah, get the degree, get a job, then what? there doesn't seem to be any point except to just conform to the model life society has set out for us and that everyone expects us to follow. idk if i just don't want to live or if i don't want to live in a mold that brings me no satisfaction. why do i think about things like this? i care too much for others and they don't seem to care back. why must i put in the effort only to be hurt time and time again?

I don't really know what to type in right now because I just can't explain what I'm feeling and been going through, but I'll try my best to rant. I really don't know what to do with my life, I lost the motivation in everything, and I feel really guilty for not being able to help my family. I'm just like a lazy person living alone while my family is in another city, working.

how am i supposed to live like this? i wanna die, throw myself off a bridge, or onto traffic, or off a building, or hang myself off my air conditioner on the roof with notes pinned onto my body talking about all the apologies, all the regrets, everything i hated when i was alive. but i cant bring myself to holding a sharp sculpting tool when i feel like that, or holding a cutting knife for paper. i wanna die but im scared of death. it has to be one or the other, but im scared of the idea that if my hope that ill just reincarnate is false, and that ill just be brought to hell is the only thing seemingly keeping me alive, and the idea that it would hurt. SH feels like an in-between. I can feel the pain from outside, but not die myself. I don't cut myself. i just whack my head cuz i dont like seeing scars. im scared people would only tell me off or get upset, saying that im too privileged to want to die, that im ungrateful. i dont want to be here anymore. no school, and no life. i hate it