I think I’m finally done loving more than I’ll ever be loved. I’m tired of this fucking disorder, there’s nothing worse in life than being a borderline piece of shit. I’m just so tired, I think I genuinely want to kill myself rn.

I don't really know what to type in right now because I just can't explain what I'm feeling and been going through, but I'll try my best to rant. I really don't know what to do with my life, I lost the motivation in everything, and I feel really guilty for not being able to help my family. I'm just like a lazy person living alone while my family is in another city, working.

how am i supposed to live like this? i wanna die, throw myself off a bridge, or onto traffic, or off a building, or hang myself off my air conditioner on the roof with notes pinned onto my body talking about all the apologies, all the regrets, everything i hated when i was alive. but i cant bring myself to holding a sharp sculpting tool when i feel like that, or holding a cutting knife for paper. i wanna die but im scared of death. it has to be one or the other, but im scared of the idea that if my hope that ill just reincarnate is false, and that ill just be brought to hell is the only thing seemingly keeping me alive, and the idea that it would hurt. SH feels like an in-between. I can feel the pain from outside, but not die myself. I don't cut myself. i just whack my head cuz i dont like seeing scars. im scared people would only tell me off or get upset, saying that im too privileged to want to die, that im ungrateful. i dont want to be here anymore. no school, and no life. i hate it