RantRam: anonymous venting

im really tired of being me. im ugly compared to all my friends. almost all my friends are light skinned skinny pretty with straight/wavy silky hair. or theyre elegant brown girls with straight hair or coils. im a tan asian with frizzy hair that puffs up (no coils) and fat (60-70kgs for a 15 yr old whereas all my friends are 40-50kg) im stupid compared to all my friends. theyre all ambitious ppl with talent. one of em wants to be a lawyer and i dont think shes ever gotten a grade below 80%. one of em wants to be an artist and she has done commissions and was accepted into an art skl. one of em wants to pursue music and was accepted into a music skl overseas. im unlikeable compared to all my friends. one of my friends literally has 5 guys liking her. she can just pick and choose. one of my other friends has dated 3 other guys and complains about how this one guy is so obsessed with her. i have a singular guy friend hu will never like me romantically. i js hate hu i am. -deo

im worried im turning into a necrophile. i grew up watching gore and adult stuff. my mom would show me it on her phone, and id watch. i dont know why. then it developed into me going out and watching gore on my own. i was already cutting myself beforehand, out of frustration. but as of late its gotten a lot worse. i cut out of frustration, and i go deep. i cut out of a want to see blood, and i cover my thighs and wrists with cuts until everything feels numb. i dont want to turn into a necrophile. i would never touch or abuse someone/somethings dead body. i think that would be disgusting. it doesn't feel as bad when i draw art of it, but i still feel like ill get called out for it and be bombarded with death threats, and end up killing myself. yet i want to share my art and be accepted. i dont know whats wrong with me. why i enjoy writing stories about my characters killing each other then masturbating with their organs. why i enjoy cutting and playing with the blood. i need therapy.

The man that entered my store was attempting to steal a pizza, like fine, but he wanted to steal a PINEAPPLE pizza?!!? I haven't been the same since, I've needed to start therapy.

i really don't want to keep going anymore ~ ☘︎

Heyy, wondering if anyone else feels insanely guilty/insecure after eating or while thinking about food, mainly in public. Like obviously I eat everyday but I just feel better after skipping a meal or two, but I still eat (otherwise ppl would notice) But yeah tc and stay safe all ~L

im so tired, i just wanna give up on living, i've run out of motivation