i don't rly matter to anyone. i'm fine with being a loner. i've always been one. but sometimes, it does hurt seeing people you call your friends make plans with everyone but you. i try to be nice to them. i get them gifts, etc for their birthdays. not once have i gotten a gift from any of them before. that's fine. i don't rly care about my birthday that much as it's just another day. but yeah, they could at least take ten seconds out of their day to send a text or smth. idk. lately i've just been wondering what the point of anything is. yeah, get the degree, get a job, then what? there doesn't seem to be any point except to just conform to the model life society has set out for us and that everyone expects us to follow. idk if i just don't want to live or if i don't want to live in a mold that brings me no satisfaction. why do i think about things like this? i care too much for others and they don't seem to care back. why must i put in the effort only to be hurt time and time again?

I think I’m finally done loving more than I’ll ever be loved. I’m tired of this fucking disorder, there’s nothing worse in life than being a borderline piece of shit. I’m just so tired, I think I genuinely want to kill myself rn.

I don't really know what to type in right now because I just can't explain what I'm feeling and been going through, but I'll try my best to rant. I really don't know what to do with my life, I lost the motivation in everything, and I feel really guilty for not being able to help my family. I'm just like a lazy person living alone while my family is in another city, working.