All Rants

someone told me I'm doing all this suicidal shit for attention. sure. like how I held a knife against my neck for attention, almost stabbed myself but instead cut my hair for attention, contacted 988 for attention. mhm. attention.

My brother has pws and about a year ago he started geting violent. A year ago I was in the car with my mom and him and I had to watch him try to kill her and wreck the car. I was screaming at him to get off and he wouldn’t stop my mom wouldn’t let me touch him or throw him off. So I just sat there hyperventilating. I remember everything that happened taht day like the back of my hand. And looking back I scared as fuck that I’m numb to all the shit he dose now.

I wonder if i even have any real friends

my friend brought a knife to the park p2 anyways, my mom asked Fish’s older brother to call his mom. but Fish’s brother said that his mom had really bad anxiety and wouldnt talk to her. my mom was offering a ride home, but Fish’s brother was freaked out and said “Im not giving a stranger our address.” understandable. but my mom was pissed. its not that big of a deal, calm down. back to Fish’s story. Im mad because if he just gave the guy the knives, he wouldnt be in trouble. thanks for reading. - C.W

I've rewritten the same story for what feels like 100s of times. I get to about 1,000-4,000 words, and I feel this urge just to start over because, in some shape or form, it's not good enough. I've had my friends read my work to try to figure out what exactly I hate, but they never say anything, which isn't their fault. Of course, I'm delighted for people when they read my work and enjoy it, but it's disheartening when I cannot find something to fix. Every day I think about writing; it's my escape. Every song I listen to is a new potential scene I can put into my work. Every place I visit has a feature I want to include. But when I sit down and try to write, my words feel so empty. I cannot convey the dramatic imagery of my mind into physical form, and I hate it. It's depressing how something I used to love has turned into something I procrastinate over.

Im really pissed. me and my friends often walk to a park after school. my friend, lets call him Fish, doesnt usually get to go with us. but this time he could. so me, Fish, and some of my other friends walked to the park. Fish was gonna have to wait an hour for the bus, so he decided to bring a steak knife, a cleaver, and a pocket knife to the park. he was only gonna carve some sticks its not anything morbid but anyways, some random guy walks up and says something along the lines of “Im gonna need you to hand me those knives.” but, Fish refused. he said that the knives belonged to him and that it was public property. a little fun fact for you (according to my other friend) steak knives and cleavers are illegal to have on public property. the guy threatened to call the cops on Fish. one of the kids there was freaked out, and he decided to tell my mom that Fish had knives. my mom walked over and asked Fish’s older brother to call his mom.running out of room, Ill write more soon - C.W

My dad made me cry on my bday. I cant remember if it was my 11th or 12th bday. He surprised me by taking me and my brother to six flags, which I was excited about until we got there. We arrived, and we went to the kids section first. My dad said we were there because my younger brother wasn't old enough to go on the teen rides, so I was thinking, okay we can go to the little kids section first for my brother and then I can enjoy my rides afterward. We spent 90% of the time at the little kids section and I only went on 2 rides. When I asked if I could go on another, he said it was already time to go. I also didnt get to pick out the flavor of dippin dots we were getting, and I ended up with the flavor my brother picked out. I hated it. I love my brother, he's adorable and always makes me laugh. I felt happy he had fun. I just felt so left out. I felt as if I didnt matter. After, I went home and cried because I felt so neglected. Even after years idk if i want to forgive him or not -**er

I think jack stauber genuinely predicted my future so I was just listening to some music, relaxing. then the song “Just Take My Wallet” comes on. the lyrics really freak me out. It starts with “Your mama’s cryin, your mama’s cryin for you.” it ends with “What’s the kindest way to say, you took away my friend, my buddy?” I miss him so goddamn much. I wanna have a mental breakdown, I wanna cry. but I cant. - C.W

I hate my brother. I fucking HATE him. I genuinely wish he would wreck and crash into a pole or something and die. My mom drops EVERYTHING for him. He's an alcoholic and emotionally&verbally abusive to everyone, ESPECIALLY to my mom. he drinks and drives A LOT, which is why I hope he fucking crashes. He did it last night and didn't get caught for it but he apparently pulled a gun on someone and got arrested. Now my mom's all up in arms and has her fucking panties in a bunch trying to get money to bail him out. She's going to pawn a bunch of things, including some of MY SHIT to pay for it. She needs to leave him in there. Maybe going through withdrawal would make him realize how much of an alchie he is. He constantly says everyone hates him, it's one of his Favorite things to say to get a reaction from my mom. I have to stop myself from talking about how much I hate him every fucking time. I genuinely need him slimed the fuck out.

I think im gaining a secret animosity towards my bsf. Me and my bsf had been close for 2-3 years already but i always felt like there was something about her that annoyed me for example she can be rude sometimes or have attitude with people. Also she does things that if i were to ever do anything like that she would get mad. Also her mental health isnt good at all so she’s always venting to me about something to the point where i have gotten irritated whenever she starts to say anything about her thoughts and if i ever say anything that i find it annoying or exhausting whenever i have to listen to her rant for a long time it’ll affect her and make her overthink so im forced to keep it all inn which is why i think i feel like this towards her

i want an eting disorder i hate my body why do i keep eating

I was ok. For the most part. Everybody around me has had a shit assholish attitude. I'm not that difficult to understand why is it so hard to understand why I feel the way I do or is it easier just to blow me off and ignore me. I'm there to listen to others but I totally get ignored about how I feel. I'm really too good to others. Maybe I shouldn't be then if that's how I'm gonna be treated. How quickly people can throw you down like trash once their need for you is gone. Fuck that. I'm so sick of shitty acting people. If you wouldnt want to be done a certain way, don't do it to others.

Part two on another note I’m chasing a doctorate in vet med which is great but I with everything going on only have C’s I also work a job and all that while my club is probably not affecting that it’s probably just me I can’t help but feel like giving up all of it besides school is a great move cause I can’t do this

I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t belong somewhere when all I’m trying to do is help and be involved. I’m a representative for my college’s Block and Bridle club, and honestly, the whole experience has been exhausting. I’m trying to learn how things work, figure out what needs to be done, and contribute, but there’s barely any organization or clear communication. Nobody gives you a consistent list of responsibilities or tells you what’s coming up. Most of the time, I don’t even know something needs to be done until someone reaches out. Then, when something doesn’t get done the way people expect, suddenly it’s my responsibility to do better. And I can acknowledge that I need to take more initiative. I’m not pretending I’m perfect or that I have nothing to improve. But how am I supposed to improve when expectations aren’t clear and I feel like I’m being judged instead of taught? Recently, I was helping at an event, literally just trying to keep a calf moving, when one of the leader

I'm soo needy for attention it's not even funny. I shape my personality according to the person I'm talking to, and try my best to keep up a cheery facade so I can fit into the "oh-so-cute-girl" stereotype. (I'm not even a girl. I'm a transman, but no one ever respected my gender identity so I kinda gave up on trying) I've done multiple changes to my appearance to fit into society as a "normal person" and fish for compliments from other people because what's the fun in being myself if people won't compliment me? If they won't call me pretty? If they won't love me? I feel like I'm tricking people into believing I'm a good person when I'm actually just a selfish b1tch who can't even be himself in public because he's a fucking jerk on the inside I hate the version of me that pretends to be an angel on earth, but I hate the real me as well. They're both bad in different ways. In the end I just want to be loved for who I am but I don't love myself in the first place. Yeah.

Other people are always venting too me but when I try too vent I get told that my problems aren’t “bad enough” and they are venting too me about sh not knowing I was clean for 5 months but I broke it and not knowing that everyone in my life treats me bad

i'm a lazy ass bum who does nothing but doomscroll and read twitter posts that makes me wanna kms. how tf am i going to be competent at anything? i just wanted to draw, be left alone, and fucking live, but i HAVE to make money. i havent talked to a real person in a long time. i havent had a REAL face-to-face, heart-to-heart conversation with anyone. not my family, not my friend, no one. i literally have no one because no one wants to hear the same repeated bullshit i spew out everyday about how my life is fucked if i don't get off my ass and do something. so i'm left here, trying to play catch up with school, trying to make myself a presentable costume for employers to gawk at, and the only people i see are shitheads on the internet being cruel for no reason. i'm seriously considering on just fucking off from life because i do nothing with it anyways. i'm just an inconvenience who has nothing better to talk about.

I'm like generally about 2 hang myself idc if I'm at school or not -signed sTaR

I know what will happen and I know I’ll be jumping off a bridge. Cya

I may be in deep hot water and I think I’m just going to jump off a bridge. There’s no hope anymore. If the hot water boils which I will know at around 4pm I’ll jump.