All Rants

My dad only communicates that I'm stupid and oblivious through derisive laughter. I sought help before from toxic communities who all spread the conservative message of respecting my father, going as far as to encourage me to act on my suicidal thoughts. I wish I could be seen as intelligent by my dad, I wish I could break free from the fear of being judged and laughed at. I just can't, I'm too weak and I know I'm weak. I want to kill myself to alleviate all tension. People laugh at me because I want them to be happy without me, I don't want to stay feeling that they all know something that I don't or that I'm too weak to find the language to explain.

I can't be getting my own help

Ha ha ha ha. Dumb bitch. Falling for the “my wife and I are not together” trick. Now she is going to kick your ass. I’m basking in your misery.

I sometimes just hope I disappear and no one remembers me. Everything is just messed up.

I have an issue with one of my classmates, she treated me very badly in the past, embarrassed me publicly, and excluded me from the group, and she's asking ppl to forgive her, but I really can't, even tho she's nice now, but I genuinely can't forgive her, I feel like I'm a bad person for not forgiving her, but I still feel like she secretly hates me and I can't feel otherwise. I also wish I had friends who loved me, friends that I wouldn't have to question if they hate me or not, I wish I was able to gain friends without having to be extremely beneficial to them, I'm always trying so hard just for girls to not assume I'm a mean girl cuz they said that was their first impression of me, and they treated me very bad and they assumed all guys liked me, which isn't true, and their hate was reinforced even more when I started getting high grades and all teachers recognized me for that. I really tried so hard and I can't anymore, I just wish they can love me.

I can't breathe. It's getting darker and heavier. They do care only when I'm in the hospital or when its really serious. I don't want to do it but I want them to see me.

This was during a Speech class I took at Citrus College a while back. I recalled a girl named Gloria being insensitive toward another student because he did not establish common ground with her and did not mention her name in his speech. I found her behavior childish, and I was surprised that a professor named Dr. Anson sided with her, making the student feel as though he was in the wrong for not doing so. This was also the same girl who became offended when another student gave a speech about Eazy-E and discussed his life and legacy. I remember thinking how immature the entire situation felt, especially considering this was a college environment where students are adults, not children

Lately I feel like I am an useless burden. My friends have all drifted away, probably because I am too boring unlike other teenages. My mom has started insulting me, calling me names and unloading her frustrations on me. One time he called me a name which is used to refer to "someone, like a child, who has taken care and stuff from home, only to leave and never repay" just because I forgot to fold clothes. My dad has also started being angry with me, I went through most of my year at school without a book because I was scared of asking, and when I gathered the courage to ask for thy book that the school didn't give me at the start, he said that why didn't I tell him sooner, an that it was gonna embarrass him to ask it now. My sister also insults me, calling me fat and useless, she is also racist. And I'm scared of crying, whenever I do it at school or home, at school everyone stares, at home, they say it is useless and it won't fix anything, so I can't even let my emotions out.

Wish I had plan for death with no worry of ruining anyone’s life I am not helping while I’m here what possibly can I do when I’m gone. I don’t have retirement i am too young. I don’t have time I am too old. Feeling worthless and alone while everyone is around me smiling and saying hello to me. Every time someone ass how are you I pause and think about the truth and then I lie and say I’m great or pretty good. Or hanging in there which is pretty close to me wanting to hang. But pretty much my mind isn’t my friend most days. I do want to give up. So I don’t have to worry or feel anything anymore.

Im a horrible filthy person. If even a person at all. I feel like i'm truly just a peice of trash floating around in other people's places. Everywhere i've been i don't seem to belong or fit in and people end up hating me. People i've never spoken to. People i became good friends with as well. I hate it. I wish I could go somewhere and feel as though i'm really wanted or as though i've found my people. Im failing all my classes and I struggle to communicate with anyone. I cant have deep conversations only surface level ones and it makes me so fucking mad. I want to be able to connect with people the way others do. I want to be able to relate to people in such ways that I haven't before. But I know this will never happen. The closest I can get a deep conversation is being someone's therapist. I love being able to help people. I gives me a sense of self. Makes me feel like I have meaning and it makes me forget my mom never wanted me. I hate my mom so much.

Sometimes I think about how my sister had a best friend and my sister’s best friend had a sister my age so we’d all go on playdates together until they moved away. Skip forward a couple years later, the girl and I ended up in the same middle school but she now would bully me everyday with her friend. They would make fun of how long my hair was so I became insecure about it, I started hating my hair and eventually cut it really short. They also liked bullying me when I would hang out by myself most of the time. I would leave school crying everyday. My parents never found out, I didn’t want them to know I was being bullied by the girl who had once been my friend. To make matters worse another girl who was my current friend at the time always wanted to hangout with them despite being bullied by them as well, I’ll never understand that. They made me want to kms.

I didn't fully believe that I was actually Sa'd. I was unconscious when it happened so I would constantly tell myself, yk maybe it didnt really happen and they were just lying. But now a decade later I found out it did actually happen. I never realised how much it affected me. Even now 10 years later I was sobbing. I never really believed in my own story and I then had to face it head on it really hurt. And to make it worse someone said "sa that happens when you are a kid surely cant affect you that much". So yeah I was really sad and I cant lie I still am.

You told me you were in love with him after I asked "No you can tell me, who are you crushing on?" I wish I never had. I dont want to be a homewrecker, you aren't even together. I have been in love with him for the longest time. I rarely get to experience these feelings, and you always have a new crush every week. I dont want to ruin our friendship over a boy but you are killing me. You knew I was starting to finally feel romantic feelings again, I know I never fully said who it was but I made it so obvious. And now that you have said it first I will become the villain if I pursue my heart. I wish I had never asked. I am in so much pain I cant even bring myself to look at either of you in the eyes without feeling as if I have done something so so so wrong. I wish I had never asked. I wish I had never asked. I wish I had never asked. I wish I had never asked. I wish I had never asked. I wish I had never asked. I wish I had never asked.

my dad always yells at me REALLY BAD for things that arent even that big of a deal ( such as going into his room or something ) and im so fucking sensitive that i always cry right afterwards. its so confusing because i know he loves me and i love him too but hes also so emotionally abusive to me without even realizing it. i hate it i hate it i hate it get me out of this house

having phobia of school is the worst. the teachers scolded me for being absent. the school director said i was faking my symptoms. my classmates said i was lazy. my parents forced me to go to school although i had panic attacks literally every day just because i had to go. i quit indefinitely, i'll come back when i'm feeling better, which is probably never. i literally lost my only friend too because we only saw each other in school. i feel like a failure because i've tried everything to get rid of this phobia but nothing works. both of my ex-therapists pressured me into going even though they knew it was impossible for me and when i couldn't they both scolded me which made me feel like trash. when i tell people on the internet because im just so fucking tired of everything they just say "oh but my parents would FORCE me". and? my parents did too and it just fucking traumatized me! they yelled at me every day while i was crying! do you think i wouldnt choose to be normal if i could?

got slapped hard twice and got pinch on the ear by my mother because i forgot to close the alcohol after i used it for my scars and now im thingking on relapsing or not

Why are mothers so hard to live with? As a girl I pity her, as a daughter I am livid. Is it bad to say at times we’re just 2 strangers that happen to share DNA? Shes always talking about how shes the one who has supposed to abandon house not my father, why is she stuck in this horror of a house taking care of me and my siblings??? I dont even know how to express my reaction to her saying those god awful words, years and years of putting up with her bullshit and I might just explode one day. I cant handle having a ticking time bomb as a woman I am supposed to celebrate Mother’s day with.

I feel so incredibly lonely, friend has been busy for 2 days hanging out with someone else now and I realize I have absolutely nothing to do and I have nobody to talk to. I realize I look forward to their texts a lot more when I don't have them. Its so humiliating to know that if they ever leave me permanently, I will be alone for god knows how long. I wish I had more friends and I wish i didn't feel so isolated all the time.

hahanapin pinsan namin hajabaiamJkJzbskanauzjdvkasusbsh

Ok so get this, family is talking casually right? All the sudden, BOOM! Someone says“Nose piercings are for cows” and instead of someone saying,“no..it’s a fashion choice..” they say “yeah why would you do that? “ then they continue to say “bUt EaR pEiRcInGs ArE oK!” Like mf if you’re going to be a bitch about a piercing just say they all suck! I really want an eyebrow piercing, but everyone in my family apparently thinks they are ‘evil’ LIKE WHY CANT I JUST BE LEFT ALONE?? Istg they can’t be open minded about literally ANYTHING! Anyways this made me REALLY upset, but I didn’t want to get verbally attacked so I just stepped away.