All Rants

I bet 100 dollars that once I'm dead, people are c\gonna stand around crying, saying how much they loved how wonderful I was, how much I should of lived. Bullshit. 1, if loved me you would actually show it, 2, you would've tried to stop me before it was too late. But you didn't. That tells me all I need to know about how much you care about me.

I've been biting my nails for around 8 years and I forgot when or why exactly it started tbh. I know I should quit, I have every reasons to (it hurts after taking a shower, it hurts to use my phone and even draw) but that's the thing, I don't really want to ? I feel it's the least I can do to punish myself somehow and I do it mindlessly anyway so it's hard to control. I've also got eczema in one of the worst place possible (ears) and even tho my treatment works, it keeps coming back. At some point I even given up on taking care of it and ended up with a raging pain in my ears for a week and had to sleep upward for a few days. My hair fall out, I've got horrible eyebags, lots of nightmares about death, being chased, trains, lots of blood and violence sometimes too. One time I had no skin anymore and my organs were falling out. Well, I'd love to say I'm okay and things will get better but I'm really not and it's so tiring idk. I'm exhausted and don't wanna wake up tomorrow again

yo so I recently came out as non binary to my friends and changed my name, right? and now people know and there are so many people giving me shit about it. Like bro, I cant even be myself in my own home without getting judged or hit for it. And now there is this romour going around school that I am gay- I'm not! (supportive tho!) Anyway, people either use my dead name or use my name like a joke! My entire school is pretty much homophobic !

"maybe you're having nightmares because you watch violent series, you should stop" omg can you stfu for one sec and listen to me I told you countless times I'm anxious about my future HELL I've even got a diagnosis, what MORE do you need ? It's always such a bitch to vent about school to people because they either will try to find a solution to my problems when I didn't ask for it and nothing could get me out of this without dropping everything, or they act like it's not a big deal at all, just a small passing thing like "it will pass" it's been years is it supposed to get better before or after I kill myself? I hate this system so so so much I hate how high people's expectations are for me, how nobody helps me in actually succeeding and then blames it on my laziness, I hate how it's always my fault no matter what and how I don't see myself anywhere in the future, so all I can answer when someone asks me about it (which is the only thing I'm ever asked about by some people) is idk.

I feel so disgusting. My dad raped me. I mean I think it was rape. For some reason my body welcomed him, but I hated every second of it. Does that count as rape? And I've a relapse into hurting myself again because of him. He keeps telling me not to tell anyone but Its really hard and its making me feel like shit. I know if I tell someone he'll prob end up in jail and I don't want that and that's why I havn't told anyone but I feel like shit and I don't want this to keep happening. But I know it will because i'm a people pleaser and I cant say no.

There are so many mirrors at my dad's, I can't avoid my reflection and it disgusts me. I just hate having to look at my face everytime I come home or just get out of my room.

I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin, I leak urine all day , and leak bowels on top of it . In constantly wet, smelly, embarrassed, stressed, full of anxiety and I give up, surgery after surgery and no fix. I’m to young for this shit

im so so unaccomplished in life compared to my peers and i feel so so lonely in this. i try really hard in school and i try to get the best grades but of course there is someone who studies a significantly less amt of time and does better than me. it makes me think if all my effort is ever going to be worth it. everyone around me is earning awards, going to national competitions, and they seem to know who they are and their future path. im confused about everything and i dont want to do next and i feel so burnt out.

My friends and partner, and family don’t know how to comfort me. I’ve told my mother my struggles with talking to new people and all she says is that they’re the same as me, “They have two eyes, two legs, and two arms like you”. I’ve told her multiple times that it doesn’t help me and that I don’t care about how one looks but how i’m scared they’ll be secretly judging me or planning my murder. I’ve told my partner that I’ve been feeling down, and I love her to pieces but she’s not the best comforter, she told me this so I can’t complain. My friends kinda leave me out, and I know they have a separate gc without me in it, but I feel stupid around them, they’re so much smarter and better than me. Okay I sound dramatic and like I have a victim complex but I just feel tired, and I just continue to act like I’m happy and that crap, but anytime they’re upset they take it out on me and I cry so much before spamming someone so they’ll know I’m not upset with THEM in particular, I’m so done.

My family is freaking sick They mentally abused and physically and sexually sometimes And they won’t fucking understand what they fucking did. One day after being isolated for 9 fucking months because I called 988 and vented about THEM and 988 called 911 and 911 came to my aunts house and my aunt said she didn’t know me and stuff. ok so 9 months after that. I was getting my phone back and my aunt had on some stupid shirt saying “best aunt ever” which is not fucking true. But whatever and so someone addressed it saying “oh is she the best aunt ever?” I didn’t fucking answer because what was I supposed to say? Oh my aunt sexually and emotionally abused me so no. I didn’t. So my aunt was like “say I’m the best aunt ever or your not getting your phone” wtf?! You isolated me for 9 FUCKING MONTHS . But I did it anyway. Because I’m a people pleaser. But anyway I need fucking help or prayers because I’m tired of everything

gosh i will never forgive the people that brought me into this harsh and cruel world, where suffering is inevitable and a good life is not promised. How selfish does one have to be to bring an innocent, poor soul into this hellish nightmare. My mother decided to keep me even though we weren't financially stable, even though i had no father figure. I was doomed from the very start.. And not only that but she proceeded to severely neglect me. Im 18 now and my teeth are fucking rotting i need 5 pulled and i have a huge fear of the dentists. I cant even leave my house without having a full blown panic attack. I have so many fucking health problems that arent fixable. I have to suffer everyday. My body hurts. I dont even have any friends, ive been so so lonely all my life. Im also incredibly fucking ugly and hate being perceived. Theres still so so much more to say, but theres apparently a stupid character limit to this message breh

I like puh, but I don't get puh 😐✌

my dad has antisocial personality disorder and sometimes i think i have it too. im still young. i want more to my life than trying to kill my ex wife and going to prison for violating a restraining order. i want more to my life than losing the people around me because im inately a selfish person. i know i am selfish. i do use my body to charm and manipulate. would i kill somebody? no i think. going to prison is a waste of time. but isn't there more to life than feeling nothing about the things i do to others? i always hear people talk about regret, and how they wish they treated someone differently, ive never felt that way. i don't think of regret as a feeling, i think it's a thought. i regret the consequences of my actions, but in my mind, whatever someone feels because of something i did i dont really care too much about. my head tells me to feel bad, that im shitty for doing that to someone, but i cant find it in my body to care. so yeah, i might be a sociopath.

I'm really upset because the people around me always do something to create negative situations and then blame me as if it's all my fault, even though I'm just someone who keeps to my own work.

Yk what? People suck. People suck so bad. They don’t try to understand anything at all. They only care about themselves. They won’t even bat an eye unless you are actively dying or sometimes only if you do. Not all people ofc, but genuinely wtf do you mean “if you feel that way just do it already” .. i hate this. And they’ll be like “Ew you’re gay/trans? You should stoppp” What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

This isn’t a big deal, at least I don’t think it is… but there is a trend now where everytime I like a guy my best friend meets them and the guy likes her more than me… I don’t want to tell her to not pursue him but it makes me feel unattractive. Because well I just got out of a heart break because a guy liked her and asked her out And I found another sweet guy I was planning to get to know better… And well I brought my friend along and now they are going on a date…. And I am third wheeling them… I’m actually very sad that I’m the lesser option of us two. I’m not mad at her because she can’t help being more attractive but I feel like I’m not.

i just lost the love of my life. he meant the world to me, and now he’s just gone. the worst part is that we broke up loving each other. i am forever sad.

I wish I didn't care about anything and I could just get stoned and talk about Foucault with you. I wish I wasn't so revolting to you. I wish we could fuck and talk about Bataille. I wish I was at your level, not here, alone in poverty with such little awareness of how everything works around me, feeling every corner and shadow turn into some grotesque mouth violently laughing at me. I wish I could see and think, be calm and connect.

I put myself down to tolerate my asshole father while wanting to kill him and myself. I don't have a close connection with anyone else in my family, they all consider me as a lost cause, a special ed kid, and they've moved on with their own miserable lives. I used to take pride in having overcame gluttony and comfort, now I'm steeped in the same sloth that I condemned. All that was promised to me was a farce, a joke co-opted and scripted by corporations and all that jazz that I don't feel able to critique properly. They decided for me. I hated my dad for them. I don't know if I hate my dad on my own terms, or if I can ever hate myself just as it is. I'm frustrated with myself, I'm frustrated with the world. I feel that I want the world to change more than I want to change myself because just sitting in nature is too daunting for my post-literate last man of morality mind these days. Fuck me. Laugh at me.

My dad only communicates that I'm stupid and oblivious through derisive laughter. I sought help before from toxic communities who all spread the conservative message of respecting my father, going as far as to encourage me to act on my suicidal thoughts. I wish I could be seen as intelligent by my dad, I wish I could break free from the fear of being judged and laughed at. I just can't, I'm too weak and I know I'm weak. I want to kill myself to alleviate all tension. People laugh at me because I want them to be happy without me, I don't want to stay feeling that they all know something that I don't or that I'm too weak to find the language to explain.