All Rants

i can’t handle my life anymore. school is so difficult at the moment it’s like they just give you all the work at once and expects you to get it all done. i don’t know what i’m doing. six weeks ago i attempted because the pressure school put on me was genuinely unbearable. i don’t know what i’m doing and i feel miserable. i’ve collected half of what i need to try it again. at this point i don’t see the point in trying if i’m just gonna fail.

Just sad and annoyed and because of my exams there just sooo many bad things going on I can't describe it all.The stress of performing well and getting the specified number makes me just want to throw up.I am to tired for this shit.I just want a break where I don't blame my self or just drown in guilt.I am trying but why is nothing working out ?

You...actually met me halfway. I was both surprised and delighted by it. You showed me around a game you're currently obsessed with. Along with the game being fantastic all around, it was also very peaceful. When we reached the "end game" the final scene gave me such peace. It put me in such a gentle and vulnerable space, that I decided to confide how I felt about you. I was scared, but knew you well enough that if you didn't want to be friends, you would tell me so kindly. But, you said you wanted to be friends too, and I was so happy. We talked for a couple hours the next day too, and I learned more about you, but you didn't just stop there. You actually wanted to know things about me too. So I let you know my favorite games and shows, and you listened...actually listened. Gods, it felt nice to be heard, and feel seen. I know we won't be chatting for the next few days, but I'm so looking forward to when we can talk again. Thank you for providing a safe space for me to be...me

i fucking hate myself, I don’t know if anyone’s ever gonna read this so I’m just gonna write it all out, or as much as I can anyway, I’ve always hated myself, in every way shape and form, I’ve been like this since I was very little about maybe six, I’m addicted to many things, and I don’t know how I can stop it, I’m currently 15, I just tried to text lifeline, they had me waiting 45 minutes, no nothing, so I don’t know what to do should I just cut deep or should I just fucking kill myself because even lifeline doesn’t think I’m important, I don’t know what to do

Last night I dreamt that I was in a romantic date with Olivia Rodrigo. I don’t like her music and I don’t find her attractive at all. What a waste…

If Elisa lam was murdered why can't I wind up that way too? There's no way forward anymore. Expensive this got to care about that. This or that. I didn't get what was wrong that I've done but it feels like I'm supposed to be in the wrong for something clearly I'm not like the cool kids nowadays yet I'm tired of trying to please people, it's all I feel guilty for doing so much of.

I really don't care for BTS, never did why they are everywhere now seems manufactured I feel like I have to care for something like the latest hype trends so I'm not labelled as boring on top of the other labels that I've now accumulated but I'm just so over it. Time for something new and interesting to come into my life. I'd like to take a holiday at some point soon as I get out of this hellhole, problem is everything is too expensive... Kpop included. Sad sad sad times for the western hemisphere. That's what happens when countries go woke they go broke.

i have to believe something is going on and that something is not very nice feeling to have, but shits too bizzare to even put a label on it. I really believe people are against me but I voice that wind up in rehab for 13 months based on being labelled as a schizo then they wonder why I am the way I am cause they keep shoving me in a coner full of boxed labels. I'm damned if I do speak damned if I dont. What's wrong with being quieter and less social? They're literally judging me for it and still can't even blame themselves for being part of the problem. This new Dr is a joke, and a stinking bad one at that. I wish I could just walk out without it taking months to set up otherwise I'm beginning to feel like it's a set up.

When you realize you can’t snooze your alarm anymore 😢

I hate my fam they keep calling me names and threaten me if I didn't get a high GPA I hate that so much I n2ver been envy in my life but seeing other ppl get treated right while I'm not it hurts me to my core

i want to be touched. i want to be touched. i want to feel affection , i want to feel something warm. why have i ruined my own social life man. why is everything so terrifying and confusing? can someone jsut fuckin hold me, trace their fingers down my skin? we dont need to talk we dont even have to like each other . i just wanna know what if feels like . im so damn alone and honestly as hypocritical as it is im so so scared of socializing, to the point of panic attacks, and crying, and hiding myself away. i wish i wasnt. i want love, man.

People around me dont know that I have a hard time showing emotions or what I should feel, for example when I talk with a guy classmate because of school stuff and my friends see me with him they ask if I have some feelings with him I say no but they keep on teasing me and for them I just look like I do even though I dont.. and they think like that because I laugh fakely while telling them I dont like him.. I dont know how I should react… most of the emotions I show are emotions I only copied from other people.. whenever a friend cries because of a guy I sometimes have a hard time showing feelings I should show, sometimes I just hug and pat her but I dont know what reaction I should have.. should I comfort her? Be angry for her? Be sad for her? Or should I be happy that she lets go of the guy? I’M always confused.. but I dont want to show it to them..

I get so fucking mad at myself whenever I think back a year ago to high school, I had such bad social anxiety that I missed out on making a ton of friends. I have autism so a lot of times I miss social cues but sometimes years later I’ll realize something and be like fuckkkkk AGHH!! I missed out on so many people who actually wanted to be my friend because I didn’t realize and now I’m crying great. I hate my thoughts they’re so mean, I wish I had a friend, I’m so upset with myself, I wish I wasn’t a quiet person, I wish I could speak more often, I hate it. I feel like I wasted my teenage years being oblivious and depressed. I want things to get better I want to learn how to make friends but i feel like it’s hopeless now, I don’t know how to socialize and covid quarantine messed up my progress I had been making. I wish I had someone to talk to who could understand. I’m starting college soon… I hope I don’t fuck that up too :-((

fuck life. how i wish anak na lang ako ng mayaman na pamilya. not that i dont love my family, but its hard to live in a poor life. dagdag mo pa yung tanginang gobyerno na yan. i hate to see how my mother works so hard just to give us life, and to support us. while my father is such a useless man for someone who have a brain full or creativity.

I just hate my life sometimes. Life has never been fair to me and I've accepted that mostly.. But sometimes it just gets to me. I'm so tired of being seen as "lazy" when I'm just disabled. Being lazy is a choice, being disabled is not. It's so not fair.. Because I wouldn't be able to hold down a job.. And I just feel so useless and like behind all my peers.. A lot of them are in college or at least enjoying their life.. While I'm stuck at home living with my parents.. I barely leave the house. If I could leave I would. But I can't. I just feel like another bill they have to pay and I feel so guilty it eats me up inside. And as I don't have an income I depend on them.. But they refuse to buy me mobility aids. Ive found some for like $30 on Facebook marketplace but they still refuse. I don't know what to do. I'm just sad I guess..

i’m so miserable in my relationship i feel like everything i do is wrong and it’s exhausting idk what to do anymore

My best friend had sex with the girl I like. I'm not mad at him, because of multiple reasons. I stated that I liked her but wasn't so sure (the first time I felt something like that), she already stated she was more of a "free" girl (Wich I totally respect, she has the right to live her life however she wants) and she did it because it was his birthday. When he told me, he didn't realize how I felt because we were on a discord call. I excused myself for a second, told him I was making some tea. I just started walking around, shaking and u able to control my breath. None of them did something wrong, but I still felt weird. I'm not in a relationship with her, I'm not sure she likes me like that, and I already knew how she was. But still. I came back after 5 minutes and just played some games with him like nothing ever happened. I feel like shit, and I don't think I'm even justified to feel like that.

I'm so jealous of my friends. I look at them and they're all more charismatic, good looking, smart, strong, passionate and talented than me. I don't necessarily feel bad about my own attributes, but compared to them I always feel like they're the center of attention. I try to be really funny, to take good care of my looks, training, but still I feel that I'm just there because I make funny jokes once in a while, everyone would rather talk to my friends than me. I envy their experiences and relationships, and I feel like shit for thinking about my friends like that. Above all, I just wished more people were interested in me, romantically or platonically. I don't want to live in someone else's shadow.

I wish they understood what fear and pain they put me through

I honestly don't know what else to do... I'm so tired of fighting for my relationship. He has a *orn addiction and I have already caught him 2x in the past and last night yet again, I found that he is still watching and engaging with it. I haven't confronted him yet, but honestly I don't see the point anymore - it's just clear that he doesn't care enough about me or our family to stop. His excuse the last the 2x was because he was angry at me and seeking/watching that stuff was his only way to release. He didn't seem like he was sorry about it, just embarrassed that he got caught yet again and didn't get away with it. I accepted his half-hearted apology for the sake of my baby boy... I want this relationship to work so our son doesn't have to grow up w/out his father, I lived it and wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I'm just so tired of accepting the emotional abuse, the mental abuse, the heart break day after day. I deserve to be loved loudly whole-heartedly...right?