All Rants

I wish they understood what fear and pain they put me through

I honestly don't know what else to do... I'm so tired of fighting for my relationship. He has a *orn addiction and I have already caught him 2x in the past and last night yet again, I found that he is still watching and engaging with it. I haven't confronted him yet, but honestly I don't see the point anymore - it's just clear that he doesn't care enough about me or our family to stop. His excuse the last the 2x was because he was angry at me and seeking/watching that stuff was his only way to release. He didn't seem like he was sorry about it, just embarrassed that he got caught yet again and didn't get away with it. I accepted his half-hearted apology for the sake of my baby boy... I want this relationship to work so our son doesn't have to grow up w/out his father, I lived it and wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I'm just so tired of accepting the emotional abuse, the mental abuse, the heart break day after day. I deserve to be loved loudly whole-heartedly...right?

ive been having (not really severe) moment throughout my day where im almost completely derealized, and i feel like im peering through my eyes like they're binoculars, or like im inside my own brain, looking out at whats in front of a body i just so happen to be in. in short, it sucks. it only worsens the feeling of numbness i have 24/7, and like im past the point of not feeling there, but now onto that im just a ghost phasing in and out of a body, and when im not in that trance like state, its like im only working on reflexes, like the body i have is just acting on its own, going through the motions of its life with nothing really behind it. i want to dream about my future, and work towards that, and i have a plan, but its like that switch in my head to "be one with body and mind" was switched off somewhere around a month ago, maybe less, and i cant get it to turn on again.

In metamorphosis, when Gregor woke up and found out he's a cockroach, the first thing that came into his mind was his work and how his family depended on him to survive, he immediately tried to get dressed to take an important train for work. When I wake up, I just think about going to sleep again, I just lay there for hours doing nothing, one hand in my phone, the other on my dick. I don't want to wake up because that means I have to talk to my mom, that I have to look for a job, and I need to study for uni. I lack the willpower, I barely manage to cook, clean the house and have basic hygiene. My mom is constantly talking about how poor our financial situation is, and here I am, crying because I don't want to leave my bed. I thought of myself like an insect, a parasite, but if the first thing that a cockroach think is about their family and their responsibilities, then that means that I'm worse than that.

i would like to preface this by saying i am not suicidal, however i feel curious sometimes about death in general. Like i wish that death would come early just to see what waits, but i know better than to act on that thought. Although with those thoughts it makes me worry that the only reason i am religious i only do it for heaven and not for the love of my lord. It can spread to my deeds as well i feel like i only ever do good things anymore for heaven even if in the moment that is not why i did it. It just feels like although i am afraid of death and by extension god I don't want to wait at the very end of my life to see either. While i want to know exactly what i will face and what happens, i am also afraid of what i might come to see when things are all over and that if i do come face to face with god will i even be capable of speaking?

Im afraid that I'm not important to my friends. Sure they like me, but I'm not as important for them, I feel like a background character. I just don't feel included. They'll often speak with each other about their problems, except me. They like a lot of stuff that I don't, and I'm usually left outside of the conversation. I know this isn't a serious problem and maybe I'm exaggerating but it still sucks to feel that your friends don't fully trust you.

I can't explain how bad it hurts. My bf broke up with me 4 days ago. I loved him sm and I thought he loved me too but I was wrong. He gave up on me once again. Before this he broke up with me on my birthday but we got back together. I was so happy. But few days ago he broke up with me again... He gave up on me. 1year of relationship went down the drain. We weren't just a couple. He was my best friend. We spend hours talking, playing. Yesterday the mutual friend again tried msging him asking what happened between us. He said things like "he doesn't feel the connection" and doesn't "enjoy the company" and that he "didn't love me anymore". I was broken. I feel so hurt...

Being an adult and self-harming feels so juvenile. I am nineteen, I had been clean for two years (between 17 and up until a few months ago) and this recent backslide has made me feel like a child. I feel unable to control myself, unable to defeat the base instinct of wanting to feel pain. Everything is wrong and nobody really knows, because nobody thinks to ask. I am a very put-together individual with a lot of friends and a loving partner. I don't know why that isn't enough to make living seem worthwhile. My own selfishness just makes it worse. I hate the summertime because people can see my scars. Now they can see fresher ones. I have considered getting tattoos to cover some of them up, but then where will I cut? I hate this. I feel so alone.

I can't focus on studying anymore, I keep scrolling on tiktok, and I feel so bad about myself, I don't wanna ruin my life but I'm so stressed and I need an outlet, I just dunno what to do other than scrolling, I keep daydreaming, dissociating all the time to the point my brain feels foggy, and I'm the top student in my class so I can't slip off, but I'm just living in a constant stress, my family and financial issues are draining me heavily.

I should be happy with the person I have and everything he does for me, but there is no spice in my life, everything has lost its shine, nothing seems exciting. Three years in a loving, caring, happy, routine, boring relationship have worn on me. I miss going out and being a creature. I miss being strongly desired by someone I strongly desire. I miss feeling overpowering physical attraction to a sexual partner. I miss being told that my date and I make a cute couple. I miss feeling free to leave at night and make stupid decisions, beholden to nobody. We've talked about marriage. We often talk about one day getting a house together. My desire to run away and my unwillingness to hurt anybody are at complete odds with one another. I'm terrified that I will ruin my life and another's for potentially no benefit at all, but a tall figure from my past recently popped back up and my self-control is wearing thin.

I’m so tired of how I comfort people because anytime someone vents I say “real” or “Omg same” or “yeah” and I just feel like a terrible person after they point it out later (example: saying “hey I don’t really like it when you say real and same when I vent”) then I apologize immediately and I try not to do it but then I end up doing it over and over and I can’t stop and I like I only want to make it about myself which isn’t true and the only reason I do this is because I don’t know how to comfort people because anytime I try everyone seems mad with the way I do it and I don’t know what to do anymore and when I say “I’m sorry I don’t know how to comfort people properly I promise I’m trying my best to” they always just look annoyed or pissed off

Literally have the most frustrating stupid controlling ass family

I had a dream a few days ago. A terrifying one if you ask me. I had a dream I was at the mall with my friend alone and a grown ass man grabbed me and stuck his hand up my pants and touched my ass as I kicked and struggled and screamed for help. I swear I could feel it. Eventually after running I escaped him but I didn't realize I couldn't find my friend. I looked everywhere in the most outrageous places like under pillows in panic and some random person came to me saying they think she is dead while I ran around screaming and crying in denial for her. I looked everywhere for her at school the next day and felt like I could kiss her when I saw her fine and alive. It felt so real and so terrifying. Never looking at an innapropriate phot or meme my friends send me ever again after that not like I wanted to do it before anyways.

im do fucking tired of being the least important out of all of my friends. i have maybe one friend who would choose me over everyone, and now she has a boyfriend, so she doesnt give a shit about me anymore. it sucks, because my other best friend acts like he doesnt give two flying fucks about me.

I dread going to school every day. Because of a person. Not even a student. My TEACHER. My teacher who we'll call Ms. Pickle. (Because no names) Ms. Pickle yells at me for nothing, gives me stacks of homework due in a whole ass month, mentally abuses me, and more. She has us do things that shouldn't be done in her class. Ms. Pickle teaches MN studies. Ms. Pickle had us do a presentation. (Something mainly for ELA in my personal opinion) and these weird things called unit boxes (LITERALLY ART CLASS BUT TORTURE EDITION) and she makes us do literal math sometimes. Like WHOLE calculator usage math sheets. Fuck you Ms. Pickle. Get yourself a real job because being a teacher for a living and being a snob to the students you claim to love sucks for you and me. Thank riddance school ends in about a week and a half. Glad I won't ever have to suffer through your class. -Your wonderfully pissed off student.

I’ve been eating less, sleep less, talking less, more suicidal thoughts, I’ve been relapsing every other week, my grades are bad, I’m getting kicked out of school tomorrow, I just lost one of my closest friends and she made me feel like an asshole and that I don’t deserve to be here, I’m fat, ugly, gay, I have a big nose, no friends, ugly smiles, ugly laugh, I hate everything about me, I don’t deserve my 3 friends, I need help but my parents are so strict I can’t call 988 without getting guilt tripped. I want to die but I don’t want to kill myself, I want to die in my sleep or get killed, no one would really care, but the only reason I’m still here is for my boyfriend, but when he leaves, which is bound to happen, who knows what I’ll do.

You're just proving my point. I don't need a counselor. If anything you do. Anybody that will talk in a constant way like water from a faucet for 30 min plus hardly letting you get a word in but when you do they say you're interrupting them. If I wanted a monologue I'd listen to late night hosts. This was in the last few days. This isn't new it happens every so often. If it wasn't a bazillion years of service maybe I could have become a therapist or something since so many have brought their problems to me. I was told before oh you'd make a good psychiatrist. Probably so. What I hate though is when I tried to go to family about my issues it's all call a crisis line blah blah blah I won't tell so and so what you mentioned, then turned around and did just that. Funny though they wouldn't call a crisis line themselves though during their supposed marital divorce issues claiming physical harm when none actually took place it was all for attention. Why my family gotta be this way?

Its okay to tell me that Im too old to cry, all because I'm a freshman I should be mature. So I'll cry quietly while you get the last word, I keep my thoughts and options to myself so when it comes to making decisions I somehow always choose the wrong one, and not because you say it's wrong, but because that's what I've taught myself to believe. I'll bottle up my emotions so that no one can see my pain until one day I'll blow up on everyone around me and loose all my friends. I'll stand for 2 minutes trying to talk because I was talking first but you interrupted so yes, I'll be grumpy, so then I'll get sent to sleep my room because now I'm overdramatic. So know I'll go to a site to vent anonymous while crying as hard and silently as I can because I'm tired of having my voice shut out by everyone around me. So from now on I won't speak because I believe that there's no point. To anyone reading this, I love these people but sometimes they don't get it. None the less, I love them.

I shouldn't have to watch my family member like a toddler because they're drunk, I mean flopsy drug drunk. You don't know what they're gonna do or how they'll act. I don't know what posseses them to get like this and do this. Yesterday they a whole different person. Today they verbally bit my head off talked to me like a Karen like grizzly bear. They wouldn't tolerate that from other people. Well actually they have an just took it out on me because they're a straight up coward. Anyway point being if I acted like that they wouldn't tolerate it. I wish they'd get help. Get tired of going through this. My life's difficult enough without them acting like this. I wish I had somewhere else to go. But nobody I know will have me even for one night. It'd be different if they were a happy drunk. No they're a mean cussy trash talking condescending drunk. I have my own flaws yeah but I don't put others through hell and make their lives miserable. I warned them before they started yesterday.

I'm going through some family drama, and it's making me lose my mind. Basically, my dad wanted to get some new bookshelves, and he immediately said I'm helping him, without asking if I even wanted to. I didn't want to, and I asked him if he had someone else who can help him. He said he didn't, and then I said I don't want to. He responded with "Why, you're not doing anything tomorrow." He ended up getting some movers to do it, but now my family is pissed at me because I said I don't wanna drive 2 hours north and do manual labor for no fucking reason. I'm losing my mind here. Am I in the wrong or something? Like why am I the one who's catching shit from everyone, when I didn't want to do it in the first place and got voluntold that I had to do it? I feel like I'm losing my mind here. Seriously I didn't do anything wrong and everyones pissed at me