All Rants

As the title says, I hate my partner. They were so kind and giving at the start of our relationship, and offered me to move in together in order to escape the ‘chaos’ in my household. I have bipolar disorder, and I informed them of my triggers and such, and they said they were still comfortable dating me. Whenever my mood did start to shift, they kept taking our personal relationship problems to other people for ‘advice’ and weaponizing my mental health issues against me. Whenever I express any type of negative emotions they ask me if I took my medication, I’ve been properly medicated for over 2 years. Recently in this past year I got assaulted while intoxicated and I informed my partner, they immediately called me a cheater and a liar, and even started talking to the person who assaulted me and even tried letting them into our relationship. I’ve been dating this person for 5 years and I’ve tried to leave multiple times, and everytime they threaten to take away my cat.

Why cant I just let things be? I've been putting off the inevitable for a year. I'm good at my job but I've been sooo stressed about at the same time. I've finally decided to formally step down but I feel like its the worst decision I've made in my life. Why cant I get past this?

It's been two months now yet i still feel like I don't belong in this class, everyone seems happy and they love It there. I hate it, I despise it. No words can truly explain how I feel it in there, I always feel like I'm alone, whenever I do chat with my fellow classmates I just feel like I'm annoying them. The way they stare, the way they speak, the way they act. It's just not the same like when I was In the 7th grade. They do try to include me in pictures and such but I feel like they only do that because they pity me. I wander in the room, trying to talk to people but they don't seem to be interested anyways. I miss my old class, I hate it here, I feel like I'm in hell. Don't get me started by the fact I have no one to sit besides too. My seatmate is now in another section. I feel so lonely yet my two friends are there, they are backburners. One of them really loves to stick with my new classmates that are really smart. The subjects? Makes me wanna kill myself. I hate everything.

Fucking Tired of my bum ass Uncle staying at my house all day and bringing bummy people to the house when my mom tells him not to. I wish he stayed his ass in a program and never came back.

It's always my fault in this house. I'm always the one to blame. I'm just a kid, man. I'm scared of what will happen if I just let go for a moment and stop acting like the perfect little daughter. I wonder if I'll ever tell them I'm trans, or if I should fake my death and disappear, live my life as I wish. Of course, that's not possible. I have to go though so much legal bullshit first to even exist as the person I want to be. And don't get me started on surgeries and trying to go through the healthcare system as a young dumbass seen as too indecisive to be taken seriously. I just want to start my life over, far far away from home. Somewhere I can actually be me.

it sucks that I have to admit it to myself but its the truth. ive been left out and unwanted by the people around me in my life, especially revolving school. I did have "friends" but they were the type of friends that told me they were "having a private conversation" everyday so that they could just not be around me or just talk badly about me. that started in 2nd grade but me being left out goes WAY back from before I was even in kindergarten. in 1st grade, my uncle joked to me about him moving away while walking me to my school. obviously, I got sad and scared about him saying that, but I thought it was really funny and decided to do that same joke on my friend. when I told them they were like "YES FINALLY" instead of actually getting sad or upset about me leaving. in preschool-4th grade, I was often never included in any games with my other cousins. I always brushed it off because they were all boys and obviously didn't wanna play with a girl. one time I was even ditched by them.

I love making friends with people but it hurts so much when they drift away. Maybe I should stop meeting new people so it can stop hurting. Every new friend is a potential wound. Why have nice things if they'll be over so soon?

I hate when my mom keeps telling our relatives how I’m too sensitive like I can help being highly sentimental. I also hate how she tells me she’ll always believe me but when I say something like I didn’t do anything wrong, the person is lying, she doesn’t believe me. But when I do lie she believes me.

I've hooked up with 2 of my closest friends. I fear I may have fallen in love with both of them at the time, but I have such a weird relationship with love that I could have never had anything, with either of them. I can't say "I love you" back, I can't express what I feel properly. I end up just trying to show how I feel in ways that feel half-assed and cowardly. They probably are. I'm too scared to actually commit to a relationship. I want to look back at the time fondly, but it feels so bitter, too. To pretend it didn't happen. As if the closeness we had was never there. And I can't complain, either, I specifically ask for noncommittal stuff. Make out sessions. Cuddling. Only in private. Only we know. The moment a serious relationship comes into discussion I start distancing myself. How can I want so much, and not want at the same time? I feel like a horny piece of shit. They both have long term partners now. I still think about what could've been. We're still friends. Not as close.

Update on the blanket thing: my step mom helped me clean up the blanket my cat peed on but we have to wait till Wednesday to wash it coz we'll have a washing machine and she got me a new pillow case for my body pillow cuz my cat peed on that too ;-; im so lucky to have a good step mom :3 -LG

I feel so lost, I don't know if I made the right career choice, and my friendships are all kind of falling apart. Slowly but surely everyone is growing more distant, and I feel like I no longer have a person to talk to or be emotionally intimate with. There's this lack of purpose inside me. I don't feel passionate anymore, or not like I used to. I'm probably some kind of depressed, but I won't bother going to therapy. I don't see myself in 5 years, the prospect of having a job terrifies me. I'm too tired now, imagine working full time. I'm certain I won't be enough. Not enthusiastic enough, not energetic enough, not productive enough. Maybe that is why peiple naturally drift away from my life. Is it something I do? something I say? or lack thereof? I don't know. I can't express myself well, I always mask shit and then have to come to websites like these to try and say what's on my mind. Everything is so pent up. I'm so tired. I'm just going through the motions at this point.

I had a realization that I think most of my problems are from ignoring my identity. And now I’m not sure how to feel, it’s all my fault.

It's been my dream for a long time to one day run for a local elected office in my community to help people, fight back against surveillance, yadda yadda ya. But I'm terrified of the sacrifice that would require. I'm a neurodivergent, shy dweeb who does not have a very robust social life. If I wanted to go down that road, it feels like I would have to repress so many parts of my identity to even have a slim chance, and even though I know I could influence the world around me positively, I just don't know if it would be worth it for the suffering that would necessitate. The idea of just shelving that mindset and being true to myself in public is just mortifying, I don't think I have the strength to do that. But if I sit down and do nothing to help the world as it burns around me, that just feels cowardly. I want to do something good so, so badly, but I feel like I'm just a bad person by default, so nothing I would do could ever matter regardless.

I’m 23 I take care of my siblings their parents is present but mostly to drop off food drinks and stuff like that I love my siblings to death but I don’t do as much as I should and failed at a lot I also lost my boyfriend this same week and my family home is infested yes disgusting ik with roaches and it’s been so bad during the summer and it’s been making me want to give up and disappear because I failed them. I don’t have children for myself but I ruined a home for my siblings and it’s my fault I know I also recently am trying more methods to get rid of the invasion but I just feel like it will never work. I been having terrible sleep every night / anxiety panic attacks loneliness/ and depression been terrible for I say 2 weeks long right now. It gave me thoughts of ending it… I also been self harming I feel like a failure at life and idk I just think it will be better without me

I just found out about this website and I've been looking for a place to lay it all out lol. I used to read and write stuff in thiswebsitewillselfdestruct, but, it self destructed after the inactivity. Anyway, here's a story: I made a friend in uni. We got really close really quick, we understood our references, and we got along great since day one. Both of us have a lot of trouble opening up to people, so it was nice having someone who understood me so well. After a while he told me about this girl he had been talking to on and off for very long, and turns out, she was cheating on him. Weird definition for cheating, really, but she had told him that she was working on herself to be better in a relationship. So when he found out, he got really pissed and the whole friend group started hating on her as well. Point: He suddenly stopped talking to all of us, stopped telling us abt his life, stopped sharing with us, etc. He won't even tell us he's back with her again. I'm hurt, tbh.

lol why does it feel like im on drugs when im tired

Its 11:33 pm rn and my cat peed on my blanket I wanna tell my dad but I'm scared he'll be mad and throw him out im literally crying omg -LG

i feel like such a failure. i love dancing but my parents arent supportive enough to where i wantto continue as a college student that depends on their parents. i wanted so bad to have my drivers license but i failedthe test two times. i feel like a stupid idiot. i feel like im useless. i just want to die or disappear. sometimes i think about hurting myself again, im almost 5 years clean. i hate myself. i feel inferior to everyone in my major. i want to enjoy life but i feel like i cant or i dont deserve to. i wish i was normal. im hungry but i dont want to eat. i really want to get better but its always one step forward and 5 steps back. i want to die. i want to die.

I know better but sometimes i just let myself get to the worse of me because I know I'll get it up one day, but Im still waiting for that day to still come, im so pathetic :/

i just want too dieeeeee i want to dieee im not making it to 18 im so cookeeedddd i cant stop hurting mhself and being a lazy chuddddd this is it guys im so dead!!!! i suddenly get very bad urges to cry and harm myself ujjgjgjgkg im going insaneeee am.i depressed????? whag is wrong with me???? am.i just the most dramatic person ever???? ujjngnggm im sorryyy im so sorryh i cant stop aavoiding all of my friieeennddssss aushhnfm ok mb guys