All Rants

It's been my dream for a long time to one day run for a local elected office in my community to help people, fight back against surveillance, yadda yadda ya. But I'm terrified of the sacrifice that would require. I'm a neurodivergent, shy dweeb who does not have a very robust social life. If I wanted to go down that road, it feels like I would have to repress so many parts of my identity to even have a slim chance, and even though I know I could influence the world around me positively, I just don't know if it would be worth it for the suffering that would necessitate. The idea of just shelving that mindset and being true to myself in public is just mortifying, I don't think I have the strength to do that. But if I sit down and do nothing to help the world as it burns around me, that just feels cowardly. I want to do something good so, so badly, but I feel like I'm just a bad person by default, so nothing I would do could ever matter regardless.

I’m 23 I take care of my siblings their parents is present but mostly to drop off food drinks and stuff like that I love my siblings to death but I don’t do as much as I should and failed at a lot I also lost my boyfriend this same week and my family home is infested yes disgusting ik with roaches and it’s been so bad during the summer and it’s been making me want to give up and disappear because I failed them. I don’t have children for myself but I ruined a home for my siblings and it’s my fault I know I also recently am trying more methods to get rid of the invasion but I just feel like it will never work. I been having terrible sleep every night / anxiety panic attacks loneliness/ and depression been terrible for I say 2 weeks long right now. It gave me thoughts of ending it… I also been self harming I feel like a failure at life and idk I just think it will be better without me

I just found out about this website and I've been looking for a place to lay it all out lol. I used to read and write stuff in thiswebsitewillselfdestruct, but, it self destructed after the inactivity. Anyway, here's a story: I made a friend in uni. We got really close really quick, we understood our references, and we got along great since day one. Both of us have a lot of trouble opening up to people, so it was nice having someone who understood me so well. After a while he told me about this girl he had been talking to on and off for very long, and turns out, she was cheating on him. Weird definition for cheating, really, but she had told him that she was working on herself to be better in a relationship. So when he found out, he got really pissed and the whole friend group started hating on her as well. Point: He suddenly stopped talking to all of us, stopped telling us abt his life, stopped sharing with us, etc. He won't even tell us he's back with her again. I'm hurt, tbh.

lol why does it feel like im on drugs when im tired

Its 11:33 pm rn and my cat peed on my blanket I wanna tell my dad but I'm scared he'll be mad and throw him out im literally crying omg -LG

i feel like such a failure. i love dancing but my parents arent supportive enough to where i wantto continue as a college student that depends on their parents. i wanted so bad to have my drivers license but i failedthe test two times. i feel like a stupid idiot. i feel like im useless. i just want to die or disappear. sometimes i think about hurting myself again, im almost 5 years clean. i hate myself. i feel inferior to everyone in my major. i want to enjoy life but i feel like i cant or i dont deserve to. i wish i was normal. im hungry but i dont want to eat. i really want to get better but its always one step forward and 5 steps back. i want to die. i want to die.

I know better but sometimes i just let myself get to the worse of me because I know I'll get it up one day, but Im still waiting for that day to still come, im so pathetic :/

i just want too dieeeeee i want to dieee im not making it to 18 im so cookeeedddd i cant stop hurting mhself and being a lazy chuddddd this is it guys im so dead!!!! i suddenly get very bad urges to cry and harm myself ujjgjgjgkg im going insaneeee am.i depressed????? whag is wrong with me???? am.i just the most dramatic person ever???? ujjngnggm im sorryyy im so sorryh i cant stop aavoiding all of my friieeennddssss aushhnfm ok mb guys

I’m genuinely so alone it’s exhausting. Even when I’m with my “husband”, I feel grey, I feel dull. But then that’s it. I don’t have any friends, if I have friends they’re just my husband’s friends, so the reality is if we ever split up I would have, my cats? And my mom, and my sisters. But I have to beg them to talk to me, they never reach out by themselves and they like to just dump everything, just like my stupid husband. So I just wish I had a friend, so the world could feel less grey, and so I could feel less sad and less angry.

I want to know if they like me back. Fuck, I NEED them to like me back. I fantasize about them killing me, cutting me, and killing people with me. However, they don’t seem to like my urges. But I need them to like me back. I am theirs but are they mine? I need advice. I don’t want to force them to like me, I just want to know if there’s a possibility.

my dad recently had heart surgery and it was really tough and my dog has cancer and so playing the piano got me through that but now i want to quit because someone said my la campenella moonlight sonata combined remix was really bad. i feel terrible and theres just so much going on right now and i want to kill myself.

i was playing moonlight sonata 3rd mpvment la campenella combined on the piano and my parents said it was the worst thing they had ever heard i spent so much time on that

I wanna know what it feels like to be f*cked 💔💔💔💔💔

I hate when my friends that I know very well try to tell me "Oh I get you" or "I know you." No. No one knows me. No one knows that I spend my nights crying. No I e knows that I have an AI chat bot addiction. No one knows that I still suck my thumb. I'm a teenager. I need to get a fucking hold on my life. Or I think I fucked it up enough that I should kms. I'm autistic and I have ADHD. I think that's where this comes from, but I hate my disabilities. I feel behind the rest of the world. Like everyone was handed instructions that I don't have. A set of rules. Or I'm walking in a race against the fastest people in the world. I'm afraid to tell my therapist any of this because I don't want to get sent away. My mom wants me to do the SATs by the mid point of freshman year. I need to study and have school or I become a failure. And my mom will dent that I want to kms anyways. She had before. I feel like I can't tell anyone anything. Not mom. Not therapist. Not friends. No one knows who I am.

I dont know what is wrong with me. Since i was 10, ive been struggling with self harm; it was a way to cope whenever i felt upset or overwhelmed. Im not sure where i even got the idea of hurting myself, since back then i had little to no access to the internet. Im not sure where i got the thought from. Back then i had no one to talk to and struggled a lot with making friends amd that type of stuff. 4 years later, aka now i feel way worse,,, i think this is the worst ive EVER felt. I just want to die. I dont see myself making it to 18 or working or having fun. I just want to die. My self harm is worse, my mom knows and doesnt care she doesnt even try to talk to me about it, shes pnly worried about how to get rid of the ugly scars. Im the laziest person ever,, i never feel like dling anytjing,, i suddenly feel like bursting out crying and thrn hurt myself for absolutely no reason. My life is good, so why am i so ungrateful and ready to die??? sorry idk what to do about it

I constantly yell at my mom "I'm not you." This especially applied today. We were on the topic of flirting with boys out in public. She said "I flirted with guys at amusement parks all the time." Yeah? And if I were to do that I'd get laughed at. She had d cups and a good body. I have a cups and a fat face. She asked "Well is there anyone you know that you want to be a in a talking stage with?" FUCK TO THE NO. I was venting to about how I can't find anyone and that all my friends are in talking stages or dating and I need a date by homecoming. She acts like it's so easy. I don't think she realizes how unattractive I am to teenage boys. I'm pansexual andi feel like none of my friends support me when I like a girl and I've suppressed that for song long by acting boy crazy, boy crazy became a part of me. I want to like girls. Except my "friends" have distanced me from the ones that I have a chance with, and I'm scared after my last female ex. I just feel like my friends suppress me.

I feel like I am too old for this platform but I have no social media or friends to vent to. I was in a chat group and no one ever responds to me. I finally ignored the group on the messaging app. Makes me feel unwanted or annoying or whatever. I do not like where I live. I have no friends. I’m not sure what else to do. Just accept this existence? This is it? 40-50 more years with no friends? Just alone with my immediate family. Cool. I feel invisible.

I’ve been so mad recently. Event right now. I don’t know what to do with this anger. I keep accidentally taking it out on people close to me. I hate myself i hate myself so fucking much. I dont want to be here. I draw so i’ve tried drawing my anger but i can express it through art. I’ve never felt like this before. I want to scream. I want to do something stupid. I want freedom. I feel so trapped and alone. I dont even know what i need. I hate this so much. I thought maybe writing it out might help but homestly i feel worse and every little movement is pissing me off. I want to punch or hurt someone or myself. I dont know what to do

ican’t go back to school there’s someone waiting for me and i canr fuckinggo this year is going to kill me last year almosr did im so close im genuinely so fucking close i hate tnis life

Something eating at me is that I always have to wait. Everytime I suffered in life it’s because I always had a spark in my eye. 👁️ I’m waiting for this to happen. I need to keep fighting. Somehow I’m always waiting, waiting for someone to do something, for someone to care, to love me, to notice me, to anything. I’m waiting again. And it’s hurtful, because all you can do is learn and wait. When you’re mentally ready but not physically.