All Rants

i thought my eating disorder was getting better. I still cry about calories. I cant eat normally. It doesnt help that my family keeps making comments about what i eat.. my mom made dinner and mixed it with a sugary sauce and im trying to limit added sugars. I wish i could skip but I know this is why I cant gain weight. I dont want the sugar. I could be eating a fucking whole ass slice of chocolate cake for the same added sugar that's in this sauce. what the fuck. its such a waste of calories, and she drenches everything in fucking oil. i cant wait till I can plan my own meals and dont have to deal with this bullshit, she would get mad if i even try to remove any sauce. i hate sauce. i think sauce is a fear food for me now 🥀

Is it just me or do I feel everyone is depressed some people just have a greater dose than others.

Visa problems are insanely draining

Fuck what youre addicted to. You make my life hell when I'm staying to myself bothering nobody. Go to drug rehab. You're too chicken shit too.. youd rather take someone else's meds and abuse your own . that's fucking idiotic. This is the shit I can't stand. Blows up for nothing. I've bad enough week without this bullshit. Fams a mental unstable mess. Always walk on eggshells or avoiding landmines or they'll freak out. Only this time they came to me freaking out me bothering nobody. Denies wrong doing. I was near hit multiple times by multiple vehicles this week. When does it fucking stop my gosh. Get help fam. They're horrible enough drunk. Fuck this shit.

I wish our world was a better place. I wish we'd all love and help each other.

ok hear me out i’m a south asian girl, my fam immigrated to europe for the whole “better future” thing, so obv there’s a shit ton of pressure around school, esp math. like my parents somehow bring up math in EVERY convo. we could be talking abt literally anything and suddenly it’s “ur failing math” “ur grade is shit” bro I KNOW  and idk how to explain it but when someone keeps telling me “ur gonna fail” or “ur dumb” my brain just gives up. i’ll actually sit down to do math, then they start going on abt how i’m gonna fail, i get pissed, leave the math, and do smth else. EVERY. TIME. i swear the second i open my math book they spawn then obviously i can’t focus anymore, so i stare at the book, understand nothing, give up, and now somehow i’m surprised i failed with <30%. like yeah, my past grades are why they say this shit, but then where tf do u think those grades came from it’s literally a loop: bad grade→constant pressure→lose motivation→avoid math→bad grade.

I am in 9-14 age group. When I was around 5, I met this girl.. lets call her Tina. Tina is my neighbor’s niece; and we were the same age. Had the same interests. She would often visit her aunt Ms. A, and I would go across the street and play together with Tina. We became best friends. She quite literally knows everything about me. In third grade, i was lonely and had no friends. I would cry all the time but i would still get to see Tina every month or so, which made me genuinely happy. In fourth grade i was emotionally numb for a while due to a situation that had happened at school in mid October. Then Tina introduced me to her new friend, we’ll call her Mina. From then on, she chose Mina over me every. Single. Time. Tina made me feel like the third wheel. Then one day she said right to my face that she likes Mina more than me. 4+ years of friendship i thought was genuine in the garbage.. anyways running out of space so I’ll continue in another one

i feel like i don't know my sister anymore since she got pregnant. She got so rude. Just because you're pregnant doesn't give you a free pass to rudeness

I hate my teeth. I hate my nose. I hate my eyes. I hate my hair. I hate my arms. I hate my legs. I hate my stomach. I hate myself. I hate my nails. I hate my voice. I hate my smile. I hate my choice of people. I hate living. But I don't want to die. Why does life have to be so difficult? Why can't we all just get along?

everyday i wish i was dead, i don't wanna go on.

Why my fam gotta make a mountain out of a ant hill? Come full on verbal assault then deny wrong doing. Omg wtf is wrong with my family. All because the one is in drug withdrawal it's a blow up thing because the local pharmacy sent an incomplete text. They went nuts. CAN YOU CHECK IT CAN YOU CHECK IT. ARE THEY GONNA DO IT !?!!!?!? Then yell and cuss then deny it. And I'm good to them. I get evil in return. They're so hard to live with because they're addiction is too big. All of them are hard to live with. I was minding my own business here they come barging in my room as if the sky is falling or cracking open. My God I don't need this. The other defends them and denies wrong doing. FOR FUCKS SAKE I WAS THERE OK THEY'D DEFEND A BLACK SHEEP WHITE. FUCK ME FML SMH

Smile and laugh. Just smile and laugh...

the world has gone rancid, wars exploding every fucking where, death literally at our feet and the only shit some of y'all have to complain about is other humans. i truly cannot express the hate i feel towards, again some of y'all. i hope you pieces of shit had been born in a less fancy place other than your daddy's ass-palace and experienced fear, starvation and death. maybe if you had you wouldn't end up being such dickheads with shit sized brains.

Im sorry. To my friends and parents and siblings. I'm sorry for being so difficult. I'm sorry for being so annoying. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am. I don't blame anyone for hating me. I'd hate myself too if I were you.

i'm tired of putting effort into people who don't return the favor, i've helped, listened, hung out when i couldn't, with them so many times only to be repaid by abandon from them i know this sounds stupid but you know how when you're excited to tell someone something, see that they're online at the perfect moment, write them happily about that special thing to then stay on read or delivered for 5 days straight, doesn't that make you also feel like a piece of garbage you walk past on the street? it's there but too worthless to even interact with the only time they'll reach out, of course, it's when they need something from you oh? you're friend couldn't come to the concert? sure i'll be the replacement! or oh? you bumped into a guy i don't give thing about? that's so cool he definitely is in love with you! i feel like i'm constantly acting like someone i'm not to please and be appreciated and that doesn't even works! i still end up tossed aside! i have no friends

it’s crazy how one person can change the outlook of your day like I was having a kinda bad day just because of a compilation of things like it was my 2nd day and I had no friends but my sister did so I kinda lost hope for myself and was just about to accept I’m gonna be alone because I also had no friends at my old school that’s why I gave up so quickly this time but this girl talked to me on the bus and I’m glad I wasn’t to nervous or awkward because I actually kept the conversation going so I’m just happy I almost made a friend

For the past 2 years or so, I felt so trapped and so hopeless because I was so sick of everything being hypersexualised and I felt like as a man I would never find a girlfriend because I wasn't hyper masculine or super sexual or kinky. But recently, I don't know, I feel so free and confident about myself. I'm still not quite sure what happened, but I feel like I've realised that there is a version of love left for me that I want. For the first time ever, I feel free enough to express my romantic love and I feel a strange sense of hope that what I want from a relationship does actually exist in the world. I want to hold onto this feeling of dreamy, child-like romantic love and never let go. But the problem is, I'm scared I might go back to my mental state from before, I'm so so scared that I might subconsciously revert and I've never prayed harder that I don't go back to that earlier mental state now that I've felt something so amazing.

Why can't I just be normal? Why is it so hard just to bite and swallow? I know there are so much people out there that wish they have what I do. I need people to tell me. It just makes me feel worse. You think I want to feel uncomfortable in my own skin? You think I chose to be anorexic? It's not just something you can pray away. It's not just something I made up for fucking attention. And I'm trying. But it's so hard. And none of them make it any easier.

I don't know anymore. I just feel worthless. There's always someone out there that's better than me at *something*. It doesn't matter how much I try to learn and improve Im always expect to "be better" or "be more like someone else". And I'm tired. What's the point of trying if it'll never be enough? Not for myself nor for anyone else.

I don't know how to tell my parents that I want to explore other Christian denominations, primarliy orthodox ones. Very bapist mom and very Pentecostal dad, what do I do???