All Rants

I wish I could just throw up when I wanted to why is it so hard? I just want to be skinny :( every other 12 y/o my age is...

my social anxiety is genuinely ASS. I mean its not as bad as it used to be. back then I wasn't even able to walk up to people. still. i'm more social online than i'll ever be irl. asking to be friends irl is something I CANNOT do. saying "wanna be friends" almost feels physically impossible to do. I keep feeling like everyone's judging me, or I have a bad first impression or I just seem generally unlikable. hope I can fix this, i'll talk it out with my therapist :]

I’m autistic and I’ve been struggling to make friends for years. I’m 14 years old. I dropped my best friend of four years due to a situation. I left my boyfriend because he was obsessed with me. The only other friend I had took his side. I even tried making friends online but that’s hard too. Every time I make a friend they ghost me after a day or two. I recently started talking to a new friend and he was so cool but he randomly said he didn’t want to be friends with me and wouldn’t explain. School starts next week and I really, really don’t want to go back. What’s the point if I’m gonna be alone?

My least favorite time of the day is easily dinner because that's when I have to eat :/

I hate that my dad moved us back to California after I finally got comfortable in Texas. I miss my boyfriend. We’re in an LDR. And with both of us having family issues, we don’t get to call that much. It just makes me sad. But I can’t explain that to my dad because he doesn’t know I have a boyfriend (he’s not exactly the most supportive of me being queer)

I was calling my friends with my camera on and I was making funny faces (remember I have a huge insecurity Abt my face and myself overall) and they deafened me so i CLDNT hear them and they all decided to send pics of my face and make it their pfp and I got rlly mad, left call and publicly called them out and said it wasn’t funny and there disgusting and only one off them is apologising and not the other two and one off them is my close bff which makes me rlly upset and idk if I overreacted bc off this but I jst fold rlly upset and started doubting myself and crying bc I genuinely think I’m so ugly and that I have a self-hatred for myself and it’s not funny and I hate when ppl make jokes abt my face bc I get so insecure ans start crying ans I feel so weak bc of it.

I'm ready to commit suicide. I thought it over and decided it's time. Nothing I say or do will ever change my circumstances. Everyone I let close betrays me, even when I give them the general trust that society expects to be generally given. There is no such thing as the good will of others as people only care about themselves and what their wants and needs are. When you aren't of any use you are thrown away. When you go to others with the truth, you are ostatrized, blamed, and called a liar. Fuck the world.

I hate this house so much. I’m tired of being at this house. Basically my little sisters are three and being abused. My sisters are 3 years old and one of them have autism. My parents basically hate them and they’re so cruel. They make me siblings hold toys that are heavy when they ‘don’t listen’, always antagonize them, don’t listen to any fucking advice that they are given to be better parents. They whoop them with belts which I think is absurd because they are three!! She currently crying as my dad is scolding her and is trying to whoop her with her pants down. I hate them. I hate them so bad. They make me want to relapse. I hate them.

My mentally abusive girlfriend needs to stop writing me "I want you back" letters while trying to masquerade as me on this site. /smh/

I feel very tired. There's always something happening. I need a break. I just want some time to breathe and not worry about anything.

so guys i had a comp yesterday as yall know and i lowkey cooked: 2 allround 1 beam i didnt fall like i did my turn and then was like shocked 3 vault 5 floor 6 rings 2 team uh yea but lowkey still was pissed and tried strangling myself with my medals guess theres no pleasing me ig...-f.g

My gender dysphoria is eating me alive rn and it's making me depressed and angry and I can't fucking cope anymore istg

my grandma asked me to bring her her pills. after i put them back my hands were genuinely shaking because i was thinking of overdosing on them tonight. i love so much people and i care too. but the guilt is killing me. Im sorry god Im sorry J, but its eating me whole. I feel so bad because im lying to so many of my friends about my feelings & religion and i feel selfish not telling them

I miss the way she used to be before breaking up with me I can't help to grieve a version of her who cared about me and gave me love even when I was sad and didn't try to push me away. I can tell her mental health is decreasing and she won't tell me what's bothering her, it hurts so bad and I loved her so much. I don't know how to cope cause all that I can think of is how I can help her even knowing that she will never come back to me and that version of her is lost. She treats me terribly now and ignores my feelings and pushes me away when I ask what's wrong, I don't even know what to do anymore.

I am tired of thinking at this pointof trying to calm my mind down. I don't want to make villain out of him. I don't want to hate him. I just want to be able to take care of myself without depending on him. He has his own things. It's fine. I am okay. But all these thoughts won't let me sleep. I am half angry half don't care mood at him. I can't express what I feel. I feel weird. I can't tell anyone what's happening inside. All i see is that I am expecting way too much of myself and of others around me. I just have to endure things and see where life goes. I can't control things so why should I worry. But sleep..it never comes to me. Sometimes I don't even know what is keeping me up

religious guilt is eating me up and i wanna die.

i wish my mom gave me privacy i wish my mom allowed me to be who i wanted to be. i feel so alone and i dont trust anyone with anything. except for my best friend, shes going through the same thing but worse. i miss my ex.

My parents are fighting again.

I want her back. I want her to love me again. My health isn't going good and I wanna leave this life behind. I wish I never told her I like her. I wanna kms

so my grandma is an alcoholic. she has been since her second husband left her, so around 15 years. she doesn’t want any help - she’s too prideful for that. but she’s killing herself. it all started getting bad in april when she had a migraine so she didn’t drink for a few hours and caused herself to have a withdrawal seizure. once she recovered, the doctors told her she will die in the next 5 years if she doesn’t quit drinking. today she had another seizure but this was a lot more severe than last time. she’s sedated in the ICU with breathing tubes and more. im not sad or afraid im just so fucking angry, how could she? she doesn’t care about the impact her addiction has on us. we filled in a form and one of the questions was “the most important thing to me is…” and i said “myself” and my mum said “alcohol” but we left it blank. if she dies i have nothing good to say about her at her funeral bc she’s made life unbearable. she can’t take accountability and now it’s too late.