All Rants

My mother, she piles everything up onto me as if I’m just a basket there for trash. Anything she needs she gets with just bringing up my mistakes or the food in front of me and I think I’m just done.

I feel like whenever I talk to someone, I lose conversation ideas really fast and we end up sitting there in silence because theres nothing to talk about. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will love me because of my incapability of making conversations.

I’m starving, starving because anytime I eat I’m selfish.

What if I jumped? There’s a bridge right there, I’m just across the road. My body already burns so bad it would be better off, right? My mother never says she’s proud. My father left me for drugs along with all 7 abusive step dads. If they were good enough to stay longer than my father then how bad is he the one who made me?

I hate my sister so much its not even like how siblings hate eachother because deep down you know you love them but with her I just hate her, since she's the youngest she uses that and always acts like some clueless bitch, she knows our mom doesn't understand ai shit so she does all of her homework with it and ive told mom before but she doesn't understand how this works she thinks she's learning from it, but you know what thats even better she'll get herself even dumber than she is now and maybe will gtfo my face for once

I ended up crying because I was afraid to enter a room. I feel pathetic for it as I knew this was gonna happen yet I still cried. I ended up hiding away where others had to find me and make me go in that room, I was still scared and couldn't open the door. When I did I felt so embarrassed with myself. It wasn't even that bad but I made it this big thing and cried for no reason. I have terrible anxiety and tend to overthink, so this happens a lot but my mood quickly changes to shame when I realize I'm being sensitive. This is lowkey the reason why people treat me like a child since all I do is cry like one.

I’m burns, it burns so bad. All my limbs are sticky all my flesh feels icky. I’m sore and cut so deep it’s bruised. Though my own mother has noticed the condition of my skin, of me slowly degrading she never talks about it at all, even when my own blood stains the walls. How bad can one’s daughter be for her own mother to be okay surrounded in her tears and blood and still be comfortable? ……………………

im really scared about school. and ik that sounds selfish and immature, but i really am. it’s not even about the grades or assignments or anything, but the people. im part of the queer community (demi-girl neptunic/lesbian) but ive been going to the same catholic school district for most of my life. and from what ive experienced already, even quiet homophobia in elementary school, im worried about this year. people in past years didn’t do much; they’d go “oh you’re gay? ewwwwww!” and shit like that. but im going to a bigger school this year, and the kids have been exposed to more disrespectful content, and im scared. my older brother (trans man) has talked openly about being called homophobic slurs, but one big thing i noticed was that people only started calling him those things when he entered the grade i will be this year. maybe im being dramatic and overthinking things, but i truly am worried

I don’t get why ppl say sry for self harming i hate myself to the fcking bone. And if I want to then I will. There’s no oh my goshhhhhh I’m literally gonnnnaaaa do it like duuude. It’s either your PO at yourself and it’s too early to actually leave life just yet so you remind yourself you could never love anyone like yourself or you’re just desperate for attention.

I think it got taken down but I’ll say it again I want a bf/gf who grapes me when their mad

I will gouge ur eyes out skin u alive shove a hot metal rod down ur throat and reap your soul

You say "Ban AI" but you use AI chatbots and completely ignore your boyfriend. You say "Fuck Racism" but you talked for hours about how you'd bully, harrass, and even admitted to beating a person of color because they looked wrong. You even mock people using an Indian accent. You say "I support all love" but when your friend came out as lesbian you said you felt very uncomfortable around her because you thought you'd "Get r---ed" by her when shes the sweetest girl I've known. You are such a disappointment as a sister that I can't wait to feed you a brownie with shit tons of peanut butter in it while everyone is at school. I'll take away all your epipens. You are a living contradiction and the most white person I've ever known. You wont even let our parents foster some kids because "you're too scared they'll r--- you" when most of the time it's children. All roads lead to Rome. But your road leads to a room filled with people you hate.

I can’t focus anymore. I can’t smile genuinely, I can’t laugh, I can’t have a good time anymore. I can’t shake this fear of abandonment and loneliness. I can’t imagine what she thinks right now, unless it’s something negative about me. I can’t sleep. I’m not really able to eat. I’m beginning to suffocate in my thoughts and feelings, unable to breathe anymore. I hyperventilate and pace around aimlessly. 5 minutes feel like 5 hours. It’s all stressful. I can’t figure out the girl, the friends, the school. It’s so overwhelming. The panic attacks are more often. The anxiety more strong each time. I can only run on and on, away from my problems, stomping the ground so hard because I’m so angry at the world. I run and tell myself that maybe if I just ran harder, longer, further I’ll be better. She’ll see me better. I slap my face with a force so hard to knock sense into myself. She says I love you dryly. She says she needs space, but it feels as if it’s all over. I hate myself.

never can tell if I really like something. I dont really feel anything emotionally that makes me value one thing over another. most stuff I do is just because of circumstance and most people I hang out with is just because of circumstance. No real drive or desire, no interest. Just floating through, I guess.

i feel like i’m too miserable to have real friends. whenever i get close enough to tell them how i’m really feeling, it feels like they start pulling away, even if they say everything is fine. every time i feel like i’ve finally met someone who gets me, it ends up the same way. i can’t even blame them! i mean, i hate myself too. i get it. i’m excruciatingly annoying and whiny and clingy. it just hurts to feel like no one could possibly love or care about me, get my hopes up with every new person, then see every single one of them gradually confirm that fear. if i was more interesting, or more talented, or less sensitive, i’d actually be able to keep them around. but i’m not. there’s nothing good about me as a friend. i’m fun on the surface, when i’m not comfortable with you yet, but as soon as i get comfortable i’m unbearable. i must be. i just don’t know what to live for if everyone i want to be around has no reason to keep me there.

since cancer made its permanent mark on me at 7, ive never escaped surgical suffering. just had another. didnt expect the scar to be massive, nearly half my chevron. spent years wishing them gone, but maybe scarification is part of my purest form. the second leg isn't done yet. both arms follow. permitting myself to romanticize the suffering, turn it into some kind of apotheosis. why forever cut open, though? why not whole?

Guys I want to be friends with people I find cool but I have all this shame and self doubt whenever I talk to them I just know I’m going to bore them out of their mind I hate being a boring bitch with no personality. I feel like I’m going to ruin everything and everyone’s going to leave me. I’ve been trying to be less avoidant but I always have this pit in my stomach that nothings going to last. I’m not very good at talking and I’m not funny I’m everything I wish I’m not. No one knows just how much I hate myself. Please how do I recover from this I just want to feel normal and have friends :( If anyone has advice pls lmk

i just ranted on here about something serious and I used the wrong category for it omg im so dumb

I have a lot of regrets from when I was a teen, I would say some diabolical shit (slurs, etcetc) it was around other friends who would say the same stuff. It’s funny, because I would never have EVER said anything like that before I met them. I think a lot of it was peer pressure. But I knew better, I should have known better and I still said that stuff for awhile. It haunts me. I changed, I don’t hang with those people anymore; but I feel awful still. I want to go back in time and redo it all. I feel like such an idiot

I have no idea how to feel right now. I want to tell my mother about some of my mental health struggles but im scared to do it. Shes trying to be a better person now but she still scares me sometimes. Im scared to trust her sometimes.