All Rants

This country supports and protects pedophiles. Not enough people care or are outraged. The people who are supposed to support and get justice for victims, victims shame. I know I was taken advantage of when I was younger. I could very easily be a victim. It's scary knowing that. It breaks my heart. Oh, and Alaska magically has no elder abuse. How am I supposed to fight for them when their state claims abuse to elders doesn't exist????

Everyday it's fuckin thumping from the neighbors like they're wearing bricks on their feet. That gets old. Tell me you're not mature any whatsoever without telling me smh.

I broke up with my boyfriend. I don’t want to talk to him. But he was the one who was listening my rants daily. Now my life feels like it is empty. I don’t know what to do when i am alone. I have work to do but i am not able to put up together to do the work. I dont have close friends who i can talk to everytime. They are all gone i mean i told i dont wanna talk to them because of some accusations they made on me. Do i have to change the way i am thinking? I don’t even know what to do…🥲

I have reached a point of no return,that is all I will say here for now (If you know you know)

Recently I’ve been feeling ill. The sides of my head, near the corners of my eyes feel warm and really hurt. My fingers keep turning purple, and whenever I stand I fall because I get dizzy and my vision gets fuzzy. Whenever I eat, my stomach feels like it’s burning and I keep throwing up and it burns my throat like acid. It hurts so much.  My head sometimes feels like it’s splitting open and I can almost feel like hot liquid is sloshing around in my brain. My eyes, near the corners, feel the same but it ranges to my eyes to near where my ears are. It really hurts and I haven’t seen a doctor bc I’m a minor and my dad says he won’t take me until it’s serious. Btw I already wrote parts of this but I forgot to mention a few things. If anyone knows what this could be, plz tell me so I can try to figure it all out.

Look man, life just sucks, it just hurts without reason. I just have a really hard time with life all because my family has been so detrimental to my development. I can't believe this. Sometimes i wish i would have grown up in a different family.

Recently I’ve been feeling ill. The sides of my head, near the corners of my eyes feel warm and really hurt. My fingers keep turning purple, and whenever I stand I fall because I get dizzy and my vision gets fuzzy. Whenever I eat, my stomach feels like it’s burning and I keep throwing up and it burns my throat like acid. It hurts so much.

No matter what I do, I always end up making people upset over something I did. My online friends, my mom, even my little sister. Whenever I make too many jokes or mention one of my characters too much during my friends and I's roleplay sessions, my friends get mad at me despite trying to be engaged in the story. Every time I fall behind on my chores, my mom gets mad because the dishes weren't loaded or I didn't let the dogs out in time despite mostly being on time on my chores. Whenever I put stuff the wrong way when unloading the dishwasher(since she was the one who was supposed to do them cuz she's taller than me) or in there during her kitchen time, I get yelled at by her despite always doing them when she needs to get her schoolwork done. It seems no matter what I do, no matter how many time I try to make them happy or be engaged, they're always upset about something because of something I did. Sometimes I wish I was gone so that I didn't feel like some inconvenience.

My dad fought in a war, he wasn’t there for me when I was a toddler, I just stayed with my mom. I didn’t know he existed or anything, but then when I was 5 or something, he randomly came back. Right after he hit my mom in the gut so hard she had to go to the hospital, then he threw our cat just into the street infront of us. He got a divorce and won our custody, then he got a restraining order against my mom so she couldn’t see us. I was made to leave my home country, then switch between 4 states in the US. All he talks about is gore. Brains smashing and his friends getting blown up infront him, that’s why he is messed up he says. That’s why he has all the right to make his kid be alone in the world, with nothing but him. An old man who just screams all the damn time, about how worthless his kid is, about blood, etc

I really hate my dad. He says he never wanted me born, he calls me cuss words, he doesn’t find it hard to throw a chair at the wall next to me and say “uhhh, that was in accident.” I feel so helpless in my situation. I can’t run away, I don’t have any other family and even if I did try to run away to them they are in another country but my dad left it? Now I’m here without any support besides him, and I’m a minor so I have to rely on everything he says. CPS has been called 2 times but each time they get mad at me, it looks like it’s just my fault. I try to explain it but each time people just look weird at me and say I’m lying and I don’t get it?? There’s a hole in the wall from the chair! Just look. But they still say I’m being disrespectful to my dad??? They still tell him what I said about him just so he gets more angry? He made me switch states just so I wouldn’t be at the school where the staff treated me as their baby after finally listening to me. Now I’m just alone.

A famous American writer named Kurt Vonnegut once wrote: 'there is no peace, I am sorry to say it. We find it. We lost it. We find it again. We lost it again'. It has resonated with me in this bout of my depression. Perhaps the point in life is to find your sense of peace, but taking Vonnegut's words into account, what is the point of the constant chase, if you are only destined to lose? Maybe then, the point is the find a meaning in the chase towards peace. I think some of us are unfortunate, and we lose ourselves in the process. Our peace is only found in death.

It’s my birthday. I know birthdays don’t matter much lol, but I always believed they should be celebrated since you are celebrating someone getting into existence and if that birth didn’t happen well they wouldn’t be here, so every birthday matters. I try really hard to be there for everyone, even people I don’t know if they are lonely and want someone to be there for them. I am a minor, so I am kinda helpless in my life and my plans but yeah!! Today’s my birthday. Yesterday my father said “We are getting our military IDS renewed.” Since we were born in a military base, etc. I already told him, I just wanted something small. We could just get a cake or I could just get a ballon and the dollar store. Now today, all I’m doing is getting my military ID renewed. It doesn’t cost a fine or jail time if you don’t renew it, it’s just he doesn’t care what day it is and it’s just like any other day, which he told me that “Today is just like any other day, it doesn’t matter.” He didn’t forget

Ive just left a friendgroup where no one was in the right, and there was someone else in there who fucked everything up by spreading rumors to each other in the group because he was obsessive over this one friend. Ive left it some time ago but their whole group disbanded after that friend was kicked out. I still feel an intense rage, more like Im still trying to figure out how to cope with it. Because there was nothing I could do to prevent that. And not only that I just found out I was cheated on several years ago in the same semester. And Ive just connected with people this semester more but realized that it doesnt matter because I know none of that will last forever. There isnt a reason for that. Im angry but tired at the same time, almost like people are just so disconnected from their own emotional state or the awareness of the world that it pisses me off. Sometimes I feel the need to vent out my anger, but what for. It doesnt matter, none of it does. But ill keep going.

my girlfriend finds sex really important to her and i can’t reciprocate that. i don’t want to get into the details but i have a fair share of sexual trauma and it’s really fucked up my view of intimacy and sex. half of the time i only reciprocate to make her happy. it’s not that she pressures me, she’s so loving and always tells me to say no if i don’t feel like it. i just can’t. i don’t want to disappoint her because i know how much it matters to her. i know it’s bad. i just pray for it to be done every time and revert back to pretending like i did so many years ago. i always feel like i’m in danger when we do it. the worst part is that i don’t even feel like my trauma is valid. i don’t know why it still bothers me. i’m with someone who loves me now. i just keep reverting back to that scared, naive child.

i’m a big hypocrite and useless. i always tell my girlfriend that communication is important, and i’ve gotten her to open up to me but my response always makes it worse. i wish i knew how to comfort people and how to stop sounding so robotic when people open up to me. i can’t stop it and it frustrates me. i’ve tried so hard to keep trying to improve and just trying to better my comforting skills for her. but i can’t. i’m so useless and an asshole. i’ve made her feel bad so many times. i don’t even know why she talks to me anymore if i can’t do anything for her. she already has a friend who would be a better fit than me. and the hypocrite part, i never open up about my feelings. i used to, but nowadays i can’t bring myself to talk about them. it’s just so much easier to be quiet. when things bother me, i just tell myself to deal with them. i don’t want to be vulnerable to anyone. i’ve been told my whole life that everyone will just leave eventually. maybe it’s true.

I have no personality i hate myself i hate myselgf i hat e myself uckf ufjcklfif FUCK

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A few days ago I held a belt in my hands and imagined a small child in front of me. I could never for the life of me find the strength within me to raise the belt. I wonder if he knows how much he ruined me.

had this friend for years. things happened between us and i had to call it out because i wanted for us to talk things out instead of just letting time make it worse. thing is, by that confrontation it only got worse and i feel like im at fault for it. now they wont even reply when i asked if they still wanted to work things out. i dont want it to end the way its ending right now because they matter so much to me and this whole bad situation between us isnt enough for me to just forget everything weve been through, but i cant just make things okay on my own and theyve shown that they themselves dont want to do that. im currently writing a farewell message as a means to properly end things, to apologize on my end and to thank them for everything despite the situation going on, and im struggling on sending it because i dont want to make them carry my feelings anymore because i know i can be too much. and part of me doesnt want everything to end. i did everything i could, it wasnt enough.

A while ago, I read a Japanese book called The Complete Manual of Suicide. I thought it was terrible, I conceived of some Christian value toward this life not worth living. I now know that it's natural selection, as the book put forward, if you're too weak and not strong enough to persevere and find a way as the weak suffer what they must; be it bullying, be it whatever economic crisis hits, be it inceldom or an unsocial temperament. I think my threshold may be when the last person in my life walks away. You can't seek pity for this because in the end, you're told to live this life just because it's good and virtuous not to take your own life in the eyes of the self-repressed. All you're doing, again, is meeting the evolutionary process.