All Rants

I officially ended my toxic relationship of 2 years today. I was 20 and he's 42. My parents encouraged me to find an older husband so he can take care of me. He did do a good job taking care of me but at what price? It all started the first time we had sex and after that I dealt with so much verbal abuse. He'd yell at me, call me names, and curse me out everytime I'd tell him "no". He's forced himself on me many times during our relationship even when I made it clear I didn't want to. He's bought me many things and helped me but I still felt like a worthless sex toy who can't do anything right. It's also the things he'd say to me and his overall behavior. I tried to change myself for him but it didn't work. It was saturday where he told me our relationship is horrible, that i always disappoint him, and that I'm too much of a kid for him. So I packed my things and left. My parents are gonna be mad but at least I don't have to feel hated anymore.

how am i meant to keep living like this everyday? how can i keep going through the routine of life? it feels like the whole world is against me. not in a self important way. but like it’s all coming at me and i can’t catch it all at the same time. why is it raining only over me? why does the dark cloud follow me? why can everybody else wake up and do the day and i’m barely making it by? what am i going to do? how will i get through this? will i survive? will i make it? why can i only see black when i look to the future. is that it for me? is it going to end soon? idk. guess that’s life

Okay so I just started high school and I really want this to be a fresh start. I don’t wanna go back to the routines and mediocre friends of middle school. But my lunch has nobody that I like. I’m not good at putting myself out there and making friends. I want to have friends. And honestly I’ve been praying and asking for my people, but this just makes me sad. I feel friendless and lonely.

when i was a kid i got groped by a girl countless times. It would happen everywhere at school. She would touch my genitals, my whole body. Even after i would tell her no or to stop or that she couldn't touch me without my consent. She would tell me she can touch me and that it isn't sexual assault, whenever she wanted too. She also said that it wouldn't be rape if she started having sex with me without my consent. On top of that she would kick/knee/punch me in the balls. She would grab my junk, squeeze and pull it, my cock hurt and burned so much 1 time after she did it. This would almost always happen in front of teachers and the class. One day she touched my whole body during the whole pe class after i said she was assaulting me. She just kept laughing and touched me literally everywhere. The whole class and the pe teacher agreed to not tell my parents about this. My family never believed me, because everyone including her thought i didn't have the right to my own bodily autonomy.

I enjoy cutting myself. It gives me a rush of serotonin every time I watch myself bleed. Sometimes I almost get like pleasure from it. I often find myself thinking about the next time I can run a razor across my skin. It hurts so good, but the shame and guilt that comes after just stresses me out. I have to be extremely careful about it, and I don’t want to burden my friends with my weird thoughts. I often find myself having the urge to post pictures of my fresh cuts and find people like me so I can see theirs. There’s nothing like seeing the shiny red blood and watching the skin separate. My mom will kill me if she finds out. I’m such a disgusting creep.

I'm so TIRED of no one in my house doing any chores or cleaning anything unless I specifically ask about it. we don't have kids, I live with two other full grown adults and unless I SPECIFICALLY POINT OUT WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, nothing gets done. No one takes out our dogs unless I ask about it. No one does the dishes, cleans up after dinner, hoovers or wipes down the counters unless I say so. I'm so tired of it. All I want is to live in a clean house that smells good.

Idk how this doesn't bother the rest of my fam. Sure the neighbors will be quiet when they have a precious little baby up there baby sitting it. Otherwise it's thumping like frickin track n field. And I think a lot of it is on purpose because they have no consequences for what they do. Its plain not right. It feels like the Karen hates our guts and fam just wants to sweep everything under a rug like nothing is happening or happened. However I notice.all their shit behavior. It appears they were mocking me yesterday but I can't prove it of course. Idk wtf their problems are. They started the shit with us we mind our own business. Hell I was good enough to return a misplaced package to their front door and mail they dropped. On our end though funny thing we didn't receive a certain bill last month and tbh I think they got it and trashed it but I can't prove it. I really don't like people who say like they do. Your life miserable? Don't take it out on others. I just plain don't understand

I am super ashamed of my nerdy interests, as a "normal" guy everybody knows for being good at sports. Not nerdy like watching anime or other cute stuff... I mean like stamp collecting, space history, science video games... im cringing. I am never ever gonna let anyone see my internal world I will be weak and pathetic and they will never look at me the same no matter how fluffy my hair is or how impeccable my style is or how much I try to looksmaxx. I feel like two fucking people at the same time and I will never get a girlfriend that actually loves me, let alone understanding friends. Even if they're smart. Cause at least most people can pick one or the other, I am a gross combination. It makes me sad.

I'm genuinely so curious why i choose to trigger myself every night Is it because of my sh addiction? Am i just looking for reasons to do it again? I find that such a confusing theory though. I sh because I'm bored, not because I'm miserable. Well, maybe a little. I'm a fucking chud

I was mature at a young age, 7-8yrs old because my parent's aren't. THey got fucking white hair but no brain cells and sense no to fight infront of their kids, get some sense you shits. They just got ball and ovary to bear kids and have no guts to be parent, at this point I would be better off not born then this shitty life.

So mentally a lot of stress is going on and it is affecting my physical health and I'm slowly being deprived of the will to live. I don't know what to do. Exam started and I don't have the will to study or generally do anything, they just keep agruying and fighting in house and that is just fuking my mental health not letting me focus on anything, just giving me tension and a reason not to live anymore. I'm having anxiety, I randomly laugh, cry be sad and emotionally and slowly mentally being unsatable at this rate, koi cha bhanne malai patan ma bhetna aau la.

Honestly is everything my boyfriend dad he mom he fucking brother it's where I live how I don't get to see my kids everyday or till them I love them and tuck them in . How I don't get to hear I love you mommy. That hearts my heart. But I hear that I'm a bitch and blah blah. And I just don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend I really do but at the same time I don't. I don't love him like I thought I would I miss my ex. I miss our life that I ruined!! He didn't do shit. I look back now and see what I did wrong and what he was trying to do. I should of helped more and stopped complaining at him about him not helping or the house need to ben clean . I should of stopped the bitching and helped him. I should of just helped better him. But instead I fucking ruined what I had. I had 10 years with the guy over that! Now I'm with someone who family hate me because I don't have a job. Or make money. I just miss my old life. I miss how it was with my kids with my family. I just miss myself....

It's a lot now. I don't know how to feel normal anymore. I try to fix it, but my stupid brain can't understand that I'm trying to do the right thing. When I get reminded, all my progress goes down the drain. I'm really tired. I won't mind dying because I don't think I'll ever be normal again

How do crossdressers deal with family that hate them and all that? It's been a pain even trying to talk bout feelings with my own.

Gen Y not old? But explain the lack of energy and pains. Prob Old now, so prob buried in a few years.

"You're so mature for your age". Yes. yes I am. Because my older sister is an irresponsible bitch and my parents are always working. I am because my brother needs to grow up happy, not wondering why mum and dad are never here, or why his friends get to go to the movies, and theme parks and pools and do normal kid shit while he doesn't. So yes. I'm fucking mature for my age, but it's not like I have a damn choice. You think I want to be mowing lawns and washing cars and dealing with fucking Karen's at a cafe willingly? Maybe think that not everyone grew up in fucking luxury.

My mom has this stupid schedule thing for my day. I’m supposed to have breakfast before 12pm, lunch between 12-5, and a small snack before 8. I’m not allowed to eat after 8pm. I missed my breakfast time, so now I can’t rlly eat until later because then I’ll be hungry too late in the day. Like I can’t already have lunch it’s too early imo. But I’m so hungry. I basically have to wait like 2-3 hours. Plus she just yelled at me because I took too long to give her my laundry bc she wanted to do the laundry and she hates waiting. Ig I’ll just have gum or something. Maybe cutting myself will make me forget how hungry I am

So for the past 3 weeks I’ve been worried I’d touch a persons groin or butt area whether that’s at home in school or outside in public and it’s really bothering me like for example: I was at a grocery store the other night and some man was walking past me with a phone and a cart and a chip bag and I got worried right like automatically and twisted my body/butt in a way that could’ve brushed anyone but now I didn’t touch the cart so I felt fabric….what did I touch or brush against? I have like 35 other cases like this and they’re eating me up I feel like a horrible person hiding in plain sight

I don't want to be alive but I can't bring myself to die either

I don’t want it seem ungrate full but my family is always pissing me off telling me what to do, taking me out my comfort zone, forcing me to socialize when I finally get alone time and when I do have free time I do self harm I don’t know what either ways to stop myself it’s like an addiction