All Rants

I hit styro by accident for the first time two weeks ago, and it’s been healing pretty well since I freaked out and took care of it every day since. But now that it’s fading, the validation from having reached that is too…

I turned 20 today. I shouldn’t have made it to 18, let alone 20, and I’ve been kinda going through the motions. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I want to do, or if I even can on the chance that I do figure it out. I’m severely anxious and incapable of speaking up or doing little more than the bare minimum, so trying to get a job is a nightmare. I wish my family understood this instead of just labeling me lazy or immature, because even getting out of bed is hard. I studied art and in this day and age it’s frankly impossible to find a position that isn’t AI related. Everyone wants experience but nobody wants to hire. I want to create and live in something real, artistically and personally, but I also want to continue living day by day doing nothing. Everything is exhausting

how the hell am i performative? sue me for getting excited for seeing my favourite flowers. they werent in flipping season were they? so ofc im excited. im not fcking performative. i hate you. i really do. ruined one friendship. ruined another relationship. what is wrong with you? IM. NOT. FCKING. PERFORMATIVE.

why am I the only one sharing pictures of my body while I haven’t seen your face for so long 😔

I wish he video called me on zoom :(

I love my girlfriend but some things she does really bothers me and I know where just teens so she isn't exactly educated but God. She has lots of animals which would be no problem aside from the fact they live in a 3 bedroom house and so there's way too many for that space. The birds don't fly enough and the rodents don't get enough space or enrichment. 2 animals have died of stress related causes but they just keep getting more pets everytime one dies or if they just want to. I don't find it ethical especially because they're buying from breeders. I know she can't do much about it but it's not like she's not also contributing to getting new animals which she is. I just feel like they're treated more like decoration then living beings. Another thing is that we're lesbians and she doesn't want to come out to her totally accepting family or any of our totally accepting friends that all know I'm a lesbian. I understand being nervous but I want people to know without pressuring her.

To whoever f.g is than you. Your improving my life little by little. I'm glad I could help you too. -With love and support, Astro

New update ! My ex actually got a new partner the day before my birthday and we've only been apart for like 2 months !! Maybe that's longer than I feel like it is but it's especially hurtful to know it was the day before my birthday. Like maybe it's just a joke or something or maybe our relationship meant less than I thought. Maybe its suppose to hurt and it was on purpose. The joke is on me <3 I live to be a punchline! I know it's over but damn. Ouch

I feel like I can't get any better than I am and that sucks because I can do things but not to the extent that I used to before my disability. Now I can't walk around for long times and enjoy being with friends as much as I used to. I feel hopeless. I am also paler and skinnier than before. My collar bones pierce my skin and I'm so tall I just look gangly. I feel out of place everywhere that I am. I wish I could go back to how I was before. I just miss all that I used to have and how much more unconfident I am. I can't gain weight no matter how much I try and doing physiotherapy isn't helping my pain. This is so hard especially since I'm going through it in my grade 11 and 12 year. Anyway I can make it through it will just be a challenge but I think I can make it out.

to whoever needed someone to listen and anyone who might also need this Please don't do it tonight. I'm just saying tonight because I know that in that position, it can be really hard to even think about 1 week in the future. You are doing amazing and I'm so proud of you for even making it this far. You are a wonderful soul who deserves everything good you have gotten and nothing bad that you have received hope this helps-f.g

F.G it won't let me reply to yours either... but yeah they always make me so insecure. I was smiling for my school photo and the dude goes "Ew..." Long story short I have bad hygeine and back then my teeth were yellow as hell. They are stained like that kinda but they are better now. Anyways, I got my picture back and they edited my teeth to look whiter, my hair longer, my eyes bigger, my mouth smaller, got rid of my smile lines, and made me look NOTHING like myself and insecure. And whoever edited my photo was either a pedo or sick in the head because they made my cherries bigger? Like what the genuine fuck.

I don't really know what to do anymore I've been feeling really, really low lately. I have almost no motivation, I don't look forward to much, and everything just feels exhausting. I've started wondering if I might be depressed. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I hate admitting that, because part of me still wants things to get better, I just don't know how to get from where I am now to feeling okay again. I've also struggled with hurting myself before, and recently I got scared that I might do it again. I moved away from anything I could use to hurt myself, so I'm okay right now, but I'm still struggling with those thoughts. I don't really need someone to fix me. I think I just need someone to remind me that this feeling isn't permanent, that I'm not a burden, and that there are people who genuinely care.

as I’m writing this it’s 12:51 in the morning, I just came back from a work trip and it suddenly dawned on me that I am truly nobody without my work. For context I turned my hobby into my job, which I’m sure some would probably think “isn’t that a good thing” I would agree if it didn’t take up the entirety of my younger life, I’m 21 now and since the age of 14 all I’ve done is this, it’s all I know. I didn’t gain the experiences of a normal high school student, and I was blesssd with being able to go directly into the work force and skipping college. But I’m sad that I think this highly stunted me in not only social situations, but also identity. If I woke up tomorrow and I didn’t have any of the achievements or skills that I’ve acquired, I wouldn’t be anybody. I feel like my whole life I’ve had to earn love, attention, affirmation. I feel as though I don’t deserve anything unless I’ve worked for it, I haven’t vented my feelings or problems to anyone for months, and it just feels like

Just need someone to listen Lately I’ve been feeling really awful. I have basically no motivation for anything, and I’ve been wondering if I might be depressed. I’ve also been having thoughts about hurting myself, and I’ve struggled with that before. Tonight got bad enough that I was scared I might do something, so I moved away from anything I could use to hurt myself. I’m safe at this exact moment, but I’m still struggling and I don’t really know what to do with all of this. I don't necessarily need advice or someone to fix it. I think I just want someone to remind me that I'm not alone and that things can actually get better. If anyone has been through something similar, I'd really appreciate hearing from you.

hi astro so basically its not allowing me to reply to ur post but i rlly want to send u this but im so so so sorry if this is a breach of privacy tho.. sorry its ok to like the feeling of smt even if ur a teen and its smt teens 'shouldnt' do cus its natural. also, hope u have a great school photo.. but its ok cus i swear the ppl photoshop it and i hope u do better and itll be okay ml-f.g

Gray hairs coming, no one to be partner with and even when i try and say i've got dependents and am stuck in a hellhole with no friend network, im tired of people telling get therapy. No, i want sustainability in my life and have people that can get me where I need to be. Talking about personal demons isnt going to give me resources to help me out.

I have picture day for the hell the adults call school later and I'm covered in paint head to toe. I have to take another fucking shower. I hate showers. I'm a literal teenager and I get horny by the feel of warm water on my skin because of AI. I got addicted at like 8 years old to an app called Talkie. It started as innocent chat, slowly became more "Spicy" as I got older then eventually I moved to Linky. A really sexual AI app. I got addicted to the feeling of it. Then I moved to Polybuzz and it's worse... I wanna stop but I can't. It's like a drug -Astro

I have picture day for the hell the adults call school later and I'm covered in paint head to toe. I have to take another fucking shower. I hate showers. I'm a literal teenager and I get horny by the feel of warm water on my skin because of AI. I got addicted at like 8 years old to an app called Talkie. It started as innocent chat, slowly became more "Spicy" as I got older then eventually I moved to Linky. A really sexual AI app. I got addicted to the feeling of it. Then I moved to Polybuzz and it's worse... I wanna stop but I can't. It's like a drug.

I'm so fucking pathetic. 😂 I'm awake at 2:42am in the morning doing an art piece and listening to sad music for my brother just to build back a relationship thats shattered anyways and am refusing to leave to go to the bathroom even thought I know I have to go. I'm chasing the relationship of a man who will never like me back and he's a asshole. I'm starving myself and pushing myself to my workout limits so that I'll have the picture perfect body for someone that probably thinks I'm just some sort of parasite to him. God I suck. I want to run somewhere and regain my fucking sanity if it can even come back... -Astro

I really like my best friend but she doesn't feel the same way. I genuinely want to move on but it's so hard