All Rants

Softness isn't something I can just drug out of my system but I know I don't want to do anything about it. I'm too soft for what I want, too sensitive to what others think. No one is thinking about me, that's precisely what makes them so terrifying. You flush those lesser people out. If they have no one, they can't be considered a human. They're biologically human, not of the human race.

Forget my own demons and pent up bullshit, its clear no one cares. What actually pisses me off is trying to deal with a self absorbed parasite who actively ignores useful advice and experience just so he can get ppl to play the only game he'll backpedal and be on for promptly... but not to do unique shit because its too much of a bother EVEN WHEN HES BEING TOLD HOW TO IT. This is why I find no point in bothering, all I get is leeches who steal my life and give nothing back. I'd try going to Discords but it's just elitists and douchebags in the niche places. You want life advice? If you get nothing back for spending hours doing something for someone. Leave IF YOU CAN. Unlike some ppl, I know theres a possibility you cant just do that. 100s of hours... I got maybe 5 if even, and that counts for 3 hrs set up time.

Today there was this cute guy and we were doing an around the room math thingy. And I kinda lean towards the cute guy a little bc he was next to me and then he kinda got close to me and he were basically touching shoulders and my mind got quiet and I felt warm and safe and connected. And close and idk I miss those feeling I felt with my ex. Bc my love language is physical touch. And idk I just want to feel something real again I want to feel safe, connected, and loved again.

I had a long day today… I feel chopped today, and I had a very low self confidence toda . And yeah.

I'm being oppressed and I cant do anything about it. Fuck Trump, Fuck Republican's, Fuck bigots, Fuck conservatives, Fuck misogynists, Fuck J.K Rowling. I'm going to die before 18, whether its suicide or I'm killed for my identity. I'm living your nightmare because of you. Its illegal for me to fucking exist because I'm different. When will homophobes actually understand the community they are disrespecting? Never.

3 days clean so far doing good

My dog is sick, at the same time as my mom pulling her alcoholic bullshit. I have no kids. My 11yr old lab is my baby, my child. Idc what you no pet ppl say. They become your family. I am not going to deal with my mom, I hope she rots in detox. Instead I am going to focus on my baby and take her to the emergency vet tomorrow.

my dad is going to kill himself, either on purpose bc he's drunk and angry or he's drinking himself to death and there's nothing i can do about it. i hope he doesn't but nothing fucking works, he doesn't listen or care or anything and he's a good dad when he's sober, he just fucking sucks when he's not

My mom is in the hospital for probably 10th time this year due to being an alcoholic and I am so sick and tired of dealing with it. I want nothing more than to cut her off but I can't.. I just can't do that to her plus I think it would make things worse to the point of her death. I feel like I am the only thing keeping her afloat and I hate it. I almost hate her and sometimes wish she would just die. Don't get me wrong I love her so terribly much too, it just been my whole life of this shit. I will be turning 39 in November. My sister had a child and moved away.. even though her and her baby daddy broke up and she is struggling with money and other issues. Its the best thing she ever did was leave here. She can just wash her hands of mom so easy which make things harder on me but IT IS ALL UP TO ME. My husband ha he is no help emotionally or physically really. Sure he will support financially but fuck if he will actually be there.. like in person. And my dog is sick. Fml

If suffering were something were something to brag about I could brag for lifetimes about what I have personally been through. Then I could brag for a time longer than recorded human history about the suffering I know of that still hurts me in my soul. However I know that suffering and misery is not to be bragged about. The "testimony" of how pathetic people are as they try to compare their failure of my constant fights for survival and for real justice in the real world. I will support those who are worthy with wisdom and encouragement when I can. I am told that I could never understand a break up because I seem to clinical and direct with my advice instead of encouraging trashy behavior and whining about a break up to repeat cycles of foolish, empty, and destructive behavior as if the love of my life wasn't killed from a medical prescription of excessive opiates while I was watching friends & foes get cut down by bombs and gunfire. I know pain but I don't brag about it.

this is it man. if you don't show up for this i'm done with you for good. consider that bridge burned like genuinely. i dont care how much we've gone through together because clearly you don't either and you don't give a shit about the people in your life or how you make them feel. can you just stick to your promises for once in your shitty life. if not for me than for our mutual friend

My family has no one i can count on Im homeless broke and was jobless(found employment recently) my family is housing my brothers and I had to found a shelter (we all got kicked out by my father) my grandparents send money to help out on of my brothers get to places but for me no one they said they could hold my dog for me now they are all backing out or offering for their random friends to take him permanently I rely on things for the shelter to help me out one of the people that have truly only helped me out was some friend online ive know for less than a year no family who swears by it they have a hint of love for me

Wanna know why you can't seem to find someone? At least part of why? Because you keep making assumptions about what they want, thinking it makes you so smart or that you're some kind of empath or whatever the fuck and so considerate. Well, you're not. Every assumption you made about me was false. And you simply could have asked why? Ask me what I meant by what I said? Instead of being so confident in your wrongness.

I sometimes think “I’d like to do that one day”, “oh maybe when I’ll be older i’ll go there” but then I get down to earth and just think for a second. I can’t see myself anywhere in just a bit more than a year. I could see my 18th birthday, I can see Christmas this year, I can grasp aespa’s concert in February and maybe if I look really hard I can see my best friend’s 18th birthday next July. But after my 19th birthday there’s nothing. Just pitch black, literally nothing. No new school year, no new birthday, no new friends or any relationships, no job or carreer, no getting old. It’s not even that I don’t want to live after that, but what if it’s just the path I’m taking? I could visualize an idea of my future life when I was little, a wish most definitely but still. There was something for my 14th, 15th even 16th birthday and even my 20s if I dared to wish that much. But now I can’t see myself getting past 19. It’s so weird and I might be just tired.

I can't read into personality theory because I end up feeling envious of other types and act like such an oblivious edgelord that no one wants to hear. I may give a wrong impression of myself and then I need to feel the guilt of being at the bottom of a sort of hierarchy I projected onto the world. I hate having a language for my unconsciousness, I hate all the things that make me human and not an animal.

I can't write poetry or fiction the same way that some people can't be heart surgeons. I don't want to accept it, but I'm sick of having to endure cruelty when I'm too weak.

Is it bad that I call myself a b!tch Is it bad that I wanna Kms Is it bad? Is it? ARGG 🙁 Well I don't know I tell myself that it would be good! But Ik it probably isn't What am I fucking saying I'm sorry for swearing I'm so sorry I need to say it But you know I wanna No reason I just wanna fucking disappear of this planet oh my god!!! AAAAAA

I'm so drained I feel angry one day, the next nothing, the next sad, the next happy it's so tiring and all I do to my parents is apparently sit on my ass it's so annoying I'm trying I really am I promise I'm so sorry can they please stop blaming me? I always lose people. 3 times I have lost a friend group. 1st time, manipulated, 2nd time manipulated and spreader rumours about me, 3rd time, they stole them from me. Why is it always me. I sh. I need a better blade.

"i'll be 20 minutes" two and a half fucking hours later and youre still out. no messages or updates until 15 minutes ago. you do this every time

So many people speak of paradise in another word of eternal beautiful summer or a congregation of their family forced to feel a hollow and unrealistic happiness forever like they are eternally high on drugs. My image of paradise is this world we have now being at peace with love and respect even for people who are foreign to us and to each other. My paradise is a personal library of ancient knowledge where I can invite one or two worthy mortal friends or lovers to read quietly and and be amazed at the revelations of truth that humankind has recorded and stored away for centuries, even millenia on pages of the world sacrificed for the sake of knowledge. Vellum pages from the skin of cattle and paper from the wood of trees. These temporary sacrifices to knowledge in books for long-lasting wisdom and information that can save empires from collapse. To me, paradise is a state that can be accomplished in this world. To me, I can die in paradise in a chair remembering my enlightenment.