All Rants

I was homophobic and now im not but im 6 days clean and nobody knows other than strangers because I dont tell any of my friends when I relapse anymore but im glad that im clean

Wouldn't imagine that the only time I would talk to my mother after months was to ask her about an issue with the insurance. Like wow I hate the fact that I had to use her insurance and then it doesn't work so I call her. Now out of guilt I told her I will talk to her soon but only if nobody's is there. But there always someone there. I just want her to apologize not just act like everything is fine. It's so hard to try to talk about a topic that hurt but was like everyday for her.

Im only 13 I know this sint the end of the world but it just makes me so sad and scared. Im going to 8th grade this year. I thought I would continue on in the same school with the same friends, the same hallways, the same notebooks, the same teachers, the same everything. But my parents had applied me to a school much closer. (old school was 30mins away. New one is 2mins walking away) I had tried to get into it last year but there was no place for me and I thought it would be the same this time too but turns out I got in. Im really anxious about that i dont what to start over. I like my friendgroup I dont want a new one. My teachers are so awesome I mean it when I say I dont dislike any of them. They're all so amazing. But now ill be going to a new school and worst of all alot of the kids from my elementary school are in that school. I hated who I used to be I was such a weird and mean kid. So I was glad I could start again somewhere far away where no one knew me. Iwantosaymorebutican

Keep sitting on your ass at work Miranda M., while the rest of us get up and room patients. You ugly fat ass is just going to get more fat. No amount of cycling afterwork is going to trim that fat down. You lost weight so you could get your hip surgery done but looks like you learned nothing. You're a fking disgrace to S*U.

Bak bak bak bak bakbakbak bakkk

My gf is in so much emotional pain im scared she might khs. I am also on that edge i cant bring myself to say anymore but im falling apart. I got into a double-honors class and now i can only think to myself of how stupid i’ve become. Even if everyone says im a genuis i feel so stupid… I can’t keep up with this class I can’t keep fighting I can’t keep being reminded of my lack of freedom and freewill because im a minor. I have a very criticizing and emotionally neglecting family and im so tired… I can’t everything is too much I keep thinking about kms. But I don’t wanna die… I just wanted to be happy but instead i live in a household where i don’t have the right of freedom and i live like a dog school, home, school home or if not, chores, chores, sleep, chores chores, sleep. I am giving up. And i cant afford to bring anyone down because i’ve been a nuisance for too long a huge pain.

I wish I was perfect, I wish I would gain weight, wish my hair was different (keep getting shit for my hair color but I’m a broke queen) I wish my ex would come back, I wish I had a different life . I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE god please come save me wish my parents weren’t abusive and weird. I wish I was a different person

I'm so miserable. No matter what I do, someone bigger than me always shows up and does it better, or he shows me how it's supposed to be done. My efficacy is lost. I want to avoid being seen, I want to be seen and not treated like a lesser animal. I'm always losing territory, hating myself and living in my head is stupid and weak though. I know how little I don't know, I understand that I can't know.

The next button is broke. Or the broke button is next. Something like that.

I am so miserable i have had depression since i was 10 years old after an accident in 4th grade summer vacation after that it all changed i started fighting through my life rather than enjoying it. I had always been one of the best students in my school i even became the best before i moved into middle school. Middle school… that’s when it got worse i thought elementary was horrible people were cruel and bullied me mocked me but i was 11 I didn’t understand yet. I was also dating this girl i loved- No I still do I would take a bullet for her. But her life is so much worse than mine she’s been SA’d many times and lives in a highly abusive house hold and moved out and lost any friends she had and she’s always grounded. I’ve made sure she’s comfortable she is now. I think..? But honestly I’m in the verge of suicide my first year of middle school destroyed me. Now after that I am in a double-honors class and every i feel like i keep getting more stupid and stupid. I cant… I cant…

tired. so so so tired. too much work. too much violin. so tired. want to give up.

My gf is very loving, but i dont think she cares about my mental health, or doesnt treat it serious, when i told her i was struggling, she said everything will be fine, and when i said that it was very hard to say that 2 minutes later, she didnt know what i was talking about, am i the problem?

I hate being gay. some people make it their life mission to "convert" us for no logical reason other than their religion says it's wrong. in short you ruin life for people you have never met, who have never met you, who just wanna feel good about themselves for being morally and intellectually superior, but they dress it up as motivational speaking and emotional testimonies. goddamn just let me exist and we can leave each other alone. if they really wanted to make people believe the sky was green they could do it. they don't care about others they just want people agreeing with them. i have never felt that being gay was wrong - the only shame I've ever felt was imposed on me by other people telling me so.

i feel trapped in my marriage. sometimes i wake up from a dream where i'm with a different man. never any one man in particular that i really harbor any feelings for. it's more like, the man in my dream is one who wanted to be a husband-- who wanted to be a father and have a family. in my dreams, i'm with a man who cares for me. my current husband has no aspirations for the future. he isn't interested in going to school to get a degree to better his/our lives. i'm almost 30 and i've wanted children for so long. all my life i've wanted to be a mother and he's taking away my time. he's wasting it. without me, his life would fall apart. he would lose the cooking of every meal, the laundry getting done, my income. he has no money and no credit. he really hasn't done a thing for me since getting married. hasn't kept a single promise. but without him? i would be free. my life would be no worse without him and that's what makes me so sad.

Softness isn't something I can just drug out of my system but I know I don't want to do anything about it. I'm too soft for what I want, too sensitive to what others think. No one is thinking about me, that's precisely what makes them so terrifying. You flush those lesser people out. If they have no one, they can't be considered a human. They're biologically human, not of the human race.

Forget my own demons and pent up bullshit, its clear no one cares. What actually pisses me off is trying to deal with a self absorbed parasite who actively ignores useful advice and experience just so he can get ppl to play the only game he'll backpedal and be on for promptly... but not to do unique shit because its too much of a bother EVEN WHEN HES BEING TOLD HOW TO IT. This is why I find no point in bothering, all I get is leeches who steal my life and give nothing back. I'd try going to Discords but it's just elitists and douchebags in the niche places. You want life advice? If you get nothing back for spending hours doing something for someone. Leave IF YOU CAN. Unlike some ppl, I know theres a possibility you cant just do that. 100s of hours... I got maybe 5 if even, and that counts for 3 hrs set up time.

Today there was this cute guy and we were doing an around the room math thingy. And I kinda lean towards the cute guy a little bc he was next to me and then he kinda got close to me and he were basically touching shoulders and my mind got quiet and I felt warm and safe and connected. And close and idk I miss those feeling I felt with my ex. Bc my love language is physical touch. And idk I just want to feel something real again I want to feel safe, connected, and loved again.

I had a long day today… I feel chopped today, and I had a very low self confidence toda . And yeah.

I'm being oppressed and I cant do anything about it. Fuck Trump, Fuck Republican's, Fuck bigots, Fuck conservatives, Fuck misogynists, Fuck J.K Rowling. I'm going to die before 18, whether its suicide or I'm killed for my identity. I'm living your nightmare because of you. Its illegal for me to fucking exist because I'm different. When will homophobes actually understand the community they are disrespecting? Never.

3 days clean so far doing good