The guilt and fear I feel is eating me alive. I'm so angry at myself for not having self-control or discipline. I shouldn't have eaten dinner. Yes I'm angry at myself, but I'm also angry at my mom -- despite telling her that I did not want to eat dinner, she prepared it for me still. I'm so fucking angry because in a way she enabled me to eat: seeing leftovers on the table waiting for me makes me feel bad about wasting food, so in a way I felt like I was also tricked into it. I'm genuinely so frustrated at myself for binging on a bunch of high-calorie shit for a month straight. I'm so angry and upset, that all I can think about is to hurt myself as self-punishment. It is currently 1:30 AM on my end as I'm typing this out. I can't fall asleep with all this pent up emotions in me, and even the multiple attempts to soothe myself through self-harm did not work. I need to punish myself more. I don't know what to do with myself. My own actions drive me to have dangerous thoughts.