All Rants

My babydaddy doesnt help hes completely useless my own dead beat of a dad is my exs bestfriend now and has been telling him financially and hasn't ever helped me and it makes me so uoset I have completely shut my dad and now baby daddy to cause of what there doing to me not just to me there doing it to my son

I’m very privileged as well and ik I’m in a good situation compared to 99% of the population it doesn’t make it any less difficult I’m sure others feel like this as well

Im so tired, where do i start again? Im so lost. i dont have anything to me now, no money, no family, and no friends. so how can i start?

And I imagine and ruminate a lot and waste potential thinking when I should be doing

Yes I am judgmental and hypocritical and flawed and I have so many issues with myself and I have no fucking idea how I would even begin to start a conversation with someone I don’t know

I have a lot of issues with myself. The biggest i have is not being able to interact with people. I cant start conversations with people i dont already know, and even when people start conversations with me, I cant think of anything to say and the conversation just ends up falling off very quickly. I want to talk to people and I wanna be social, but I just can't and I dont know how to fix it. If there's someone I think is cool, or am interested in, I cant get myself to talk to them, I just end up sitting there and imagining what potential conversations could be like. Another issue i have is I assume everyone's judging me all the time. I try to tell myself that no one actually cares, and they're doing their own thing, but im also a very judgemental person. Not outwardly, I dont say it or let it mess with anything, but I still judge often, and I assume people do the same for me.

The reels were an analogy I thought it was funny ragebait it’s obviously very offensive content I’m sorry there was no other response so I felt the need to blow things up again which is immature

Im so upset today, my boyfriend open up my ig account and see conversation of me and my friend. its just some random conversation and we used to send reels to each other about some motivational quotes and love quotes of being a special friend cause we know each others secret and we care for each other (my friend is gay and im a female). So now my boyfriend is mad because he thinks i made someone special and not him. Mind you i used to send him reels but he wouldn't respond to any of it so i stop and now seeing me sending reels to a friend make him mad. He said a lot of words and not very appropriate. Im tired, he thinks that doing all the things for us to work and so did i.

I think I'm going to loose my mind if I stay isolated for much longer.

I miss her so much it feels like my love is crushing me, it’s making me sick. I miss her sm, I love her sm, everything reminds me of her. I hated her when I first meet her…her round cheeks, sunken eyes and crooked teeth. But overtime I wanted to caress that face, peck her eyes then lean in for a smooch from that sweet mouth that smelt like cigarettes. I didn’t even notice when I started to fall so hard, but now she’s gone and I realize all these feelings are so strong. I miss her. Her voice she made overpitched was kinda loud but it was HER voice, her thoughts and opinions or her sweet words like “I love you.” I wanna hear it again, even if it meant crying and falling inlove all over again. “I love you,” sounds like a dream now. I love you. I love you. I want to hear her repeating that to me while hugging me again, holding me like I’m something special. I look at the pictures he took and that’s where I look happiest, with her.

I'm so lonely I want to cry. I get so jealous when I hear everyone else talking about having fun with their friends. I don't have anyone. I'll never get back all these years of loneliness.

I'm so sick of everyone. I don't have any friends IRL, nor do I have any in school. And the few online friends I do have just don't care about me. Ever since my friend started dating, I've become the backup friend. All the two do is talk about how in love they are and how they "goon" and shit when they see each other. It's just mushy romantic stuff, or creepy sexual stuff. And this person that my friend's dating cannot take anything seriously. I posted a vent and used a photo of my legs as the background. I was wearing thigh highs and garters, because they're cute?? And she commented "Were the thigh highs really necessary?" Oh, okay. We joke about femboy stuff and thigh highs pretty often but what the fuck, bro?! I was venting about how my health is declining and all you care about are my fucking thighs?? They know that I don't just wear thigh highs as a "joke" I feel like people just use me for entertainment and leave whenever I've become boring.

I'm so so fucking lonely and I've missed out on so much because I'm miserable and lonely and I don't know what to do. I'm missing out on the best years of my life while everyone has friends and I'm so scared that I'm wasting my life. I wish I had friends. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. I'm so miserable. What if the rest of my life is miserable and I never find friends or fulfillment? I don't know what to do. I hate myself. I've lost so many chances and opportunities. I've wasted so much time. I wish I had people who loved me.

I use to hate my dad so much. He drank all the time and would throw stuff at me and my little sister. I had hated him so much, I had several escape plans, and every night I cried about how much I hated my life. I’m a minor, I can not control what I can do. Trapped with a threat in my own home, I really hated it all. I wanted him gone, and each time I saw him I felt an unbearable disgust, anger and sadness. It’s only been a year since him being abusive, and yeah I still am upset on how he treated me, but he doesn’t throw stuff or drink anymore. He can still be very rude, but I think it’s better now, but that’s left me with confusion. I use to want to escape him so bad, I would try hanging myself even at 7 years old because I felt life was so FRUSTRATING. I really hate those memories, and I know when he treats me this, well it’s just temporary since he use to compliment me just to throw me around. But honestly, I wanna have hope in him, I want to think this can be my dad still.

I vented about my SA on here and how I still talk to the guy who did it to me. He was my friend of several years, and everyday it got worse. First just touches of my waist, then my thighs then more. I couldn’t understand it or why he would do that - he’s my friend. A good person. That’s what I told myself. When I vented on here about my confusion, people blamed me? They said it’s my fault for still being near him, that I’m just encouraging him now. I dislike being touched, I told him. I keep trying to distance myself but he apologizes then I feel bad. We’ve known each other for so long and it’s hard for me to let go of such a close friend. Why am I being told I’m the bad person when I’m crying about a person I trust always grabbing my ass, trying to do more when I keep repeating no - how am I bad?!?

I wish I had someone to rely on...

I never said I was going to kill myself, but yes I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. I said I don’t want to live which is maybe melodramatic I don’t want to live the way I’m living, and sometimes I get tired of the world I live in. I’ve harmed myself once. Is that weird to admit? There are so many people who struggle with this I do too

i wanna be her so bad. I hate my body and my ed is getting worse

I think I'm starting to hate my dad. Like I feel awful saying that because he's probably trying his best but I'm just so frustrated. Okay so he always treats me like a child. Mind you I'm a teenager, so sure you could say "That's normal, you're still a child" but i mean FULL ON BABY VOICE and everything!!!!! its so fucking frustrating. And not just that, no, he also seems to think I can't think for myself. "Do you want _?" "No." "Okay. I will _ anyway." and then I'm like not happy yeah cuz i didnt want that and he's like "Why aren't you happy???" WHY WOULD I BE HAPPY, I SAID NO?!?! Or like another thing, he doesn't know SHIT about me! "Hey don't you like __?" I LIKED TJAT WHEN I WAS SIX YEARS OLD!!!! NOT ANYMORE! Why is he like this??? Why can't he accept I'm not a little kid anymore? Another thing he does, tho I'm not sure it's related, is whenever HE wants something he's like "hey do YOU want _??" or even worse he just says to someone else "[name] wants this" WHEN I DONT!!

I close this door to keep YOU OUT. Leave me alone.