All Rants

I just want to die Please just let me die.

I've had depression for a while now and it never really manifested in the ways that it does with others, since i never wanted to hurt or kill myself. I mostly just felt empty and apathetic, the only times i really felt depressed would be when i would make myself with specific music, and i liked doing it since it was a genuine emotion that actually felt real. Recently a "partner" who i was forced to leave, helped me break down the immense walls i had built up, and i actually felt how depressed i was. it sucked. i wanted to hurt myself, kill myself, tell him to kill himself and remove the burden he put onto me. i hated it so so much. i tried to take a shower but i made the water extremely hot, and burned myself on purpose. i liked it. Im already aware that im a masochist and enjoy pain, but i realized that i had also used it as a coping mechanism from previous pain i had experienced. unfortunately since i had to leave him, i resorted to putting the walls back up so i don't hurt anyone

I hate how insecure and just awful i am to myself. I want someone to rant too but everytime i try and vent i always feel like im just making stuff up so i can be the center of attention. Im only 14, why do i have such strong emotions? i have pretty bad abandonment issues since ive been awful to my friends and im trying to be better, but it still definitly left deep wounds that ive just walled up and ignored. The one person i ever felt connected to and like i could truly be myself with, we met under circumstances that had me lying about who i was, and i just ended up being forced to leave them, even though i knew they hurt in the same way. my life is good and i dont really have that much stuff wrong with me but im still so hollow, and i know i have depression and that sorta stuff, but i still dont really feel happy. Im always bored unless i have constant stimulation due to my ADHD and i love being able to care for someone if they need support, but i dont feel like i get anything back.

I feel like a failure, nothing i do is working, im really bad at socialising and have a really bad avoidant disorder, ill avoid all people, i dont want to its just when i talk to people i feel scared, vunerable, i get paranoia, i feel like people hate me and are against me, theythink im just a burden or in the way, that im useless because of how i am, so i isolate myself, ive done it so long now that i dont think theres any way of improving myself, even when i was getting support, id want to avoid my support sessions even though the people were kind and trying to help. I dont like the way i am, i get overwhelmed by everything. Idk how to fix this, i quit my job because i couldnt handle being around people, i felt like they hated me and thought i was useless, talked about me behind my back. I felt unsafe. I feel unsafe going back into work, but i need to do something. Idk how to get help. Childhood was bad now im lost and never got help. Trust noone

NSFW! So I am a minor, and i joined a nsfw discord server because i saw it on some smut i was reading on ao3. It was cool and some of the people were chill and i got to know them better. Long story short, i started to message with this one person a lot more romantically than the already freaky nature i had because of the server. He was unaware that i wasn't of age, and we got to a point were we became boyfriends because we did care deeply about each other. It was only after accepting and growing closer that i began to be more open and vulnerable around him, which led to me venting and other things, and he did the same. I started to realize how much he and i were similar in many ways and because of that i knew i couldnt keep it from him anymore, because the longer i let it go on the more it would hurt him. so i told the truth, left the server and dont talk anymore. Im not looking for anyone saying what i did was bad or i didnt know, im fully aware of what i did and regret it deeply.

it’s genuinely so hard to find other weird or neurodivergent black girls. I’m mixed and I only ever found one weird mixed girl like me and we were so close til I had to move and I realized like, it’s so hard to find people like me? there’s little black people in my school since my schools mainly white ppl and secondly Latinos, so that’s already hard enough but they aren’t weirdos or have any special interests 💔

What's something you have to deal with regularly that nobody else seems to understand?

Yes Im that type of person who will do all the work on a project if i see that you are not willing to do it, i got called a try hard for that but then who else would've done it if not me? A day before I text everyone if they have any ideas, they never do so someone has to, no?

The uncertainty and risk that is required for connection eats at me all the time too. I’m afraid of rejection but ik I gotta be the one to make the move

I guess it’s whiny to complain about my rather minor issues but idk sometimes I want to complain and whine and moan about random shit. I fucking hate that we don’t have a rider lawn mowers it’s a pusher one because it’s better exercise

Everyone is mad that I won’t just move on from my sibling’s alcoholism. and act like it never happened. I am at the point where I think my entire family is crazy and don’t want to deal with any of them. I also will not lift a finger to help if a relapse happens.

I don’t know how to fix my depression either I’m just going to hope things get better and then maybe I’ll feel better

Tbh I’m not logical and productive this is correct I actually waste so much time and procrastinate a lot

My teen was diagnosed with depression, but is not taking treatment seriously and pretends to be fine and doesn’t put in any effort to make changes. Meanwhile, I spend every day worried and anxious about how to help.

I hate everything that's cutthroat, everything that's ruthless. I want to move away from perceiving inequality as contrived to just snap up attention on social media, but I wind up hating inequality and aristocratic elites that do nothing but assume you're empty for validation and attention. I hate all intellectual endeavors where rigor is expected before creativity, though I'm too dense to be logical and productive as they see it. I'm just a brainded cvnt seeking love for something nobody would give a fuck about in the primitive state of man. Wh1ny, toughen up. You're whipped into believing that anyway. What the fuck do you know? You're laughing at me behind clasped fingers. What the fuck do you know that I don't? Why the hell am I being judged? I find out later that it's all fake, everything I ever thought I wanted was fucking fake. All I can do is continue anyway, no matter how absurd it becomes.

god if you’re real come get everybody, WE are all ready 🙏🏾🙏🏾

One particular popular bully kept a record of my behavior from a year ago to torture me with. He posted about how I'm only faking the image of a melancholic and an intellectual, how I'm dependent on everyone else's love because I can't create anything original. I'm not into academia, I regret ever giving the impression that I was, but there's nothing I can do around pretentious wannabe academics but suffer and write the next piece for myself, whether it follows their ideology or not.

My problem is being more approachable in the first place. I'll stop before I get sadder.

Lately I'm tempted to drink again. I've been sober for...I think all year but like yeah the stress just really makes me miss it. Last year the stress broke my sobriety but at least it wasn't bad and I was able to stop fast. Sigh I hate my life there's like a 8 page essay of shit I don't like about my life

Heres hoping you find an outlet... i already know i practically need babied.