All Rants

Depressed Pan here! To @ANIMALSINMYHEAD and W31RD_K1D.5038 I don't know if I should do it... I tell myself nonstop that nobody cares...

oh my jesus fuck i wanna play a ttrpg where im a merc with a gun So Fucking Bad. I'm Always GM'ing For Shit Like FIST Or Cyberpunk Or LANCER Or Some Other Shit Because I Like It But Oh My God Please I Don't Wanna Be On This Side Of The Screen Jesus Fuck I Wanna Be A Player In This System PLEASE. Being A GM Is Fun And All But I Want To Be A Player With A Character Sheet Please Oh My God Please Holy Fuck. I'm In A Dark Fantasy Campaign Right Fuckig Now And I Don't Wanna Sound Ungrateful But Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I Wanna Play As A Merc With A Gun In A Modern Or Future Setting. God I Wanna Be A Player In A TTRPG That Isn't In A Fantasy Setting It's Been So Long

i have horrible thoughts and feelings but i cant reach out because i already know i am not gonna hurt myself or someone else. its just pointless. i just feel horrible all night and then i feel sick the next day and then it goes away. i dont have anyone to support me through that. i dont have any medication to manage these feelings and anxiety and panic attacks. not that i could be given anything anyway, i am diagnosed with opioid use so they will not give me any more controlled substances animalsinmyhead

Tbh I’d like to have friends but I don’t want to make any atm because it’s all gone horribly wrong. At this point, it’s safe to assume that I’m the problem, so I’m going to go to therapy and try to figure out what’s going on with me. I miss having friends though. I feel like I can just never have a good time period though. I never really feel like I’ve had any sort of true bond other than one person and even that eventually soured. Maybe I have behaviors I need to look into. I just feel like I never really fit in, and not in the way of its anyone else’s fault. It’s just how I’m wired.

Knowing its a normal trauma response doesnt make wanting to be groomed and used and abused and assaulted again feel any less shameful or any less guilt inducing. It causes physical internal pain in my reproductive organs. i hate myself so fucking much. animalsinmyhead

Can anyone who's been to therapy like confirm if SA and grooming and incest can have the same traumatic affect and impact on sexuality that rape does. I have also had constant dreams of being kidnapped and/or raped almost every night since i was 12 and also one of the assaults was physically painful and from a partner, and the other was at a "friends" house and i yelled at him multiple times to stop Or am I just impacted too much by it because of my existing anxiety? I know everyone has a different threshold but I just want to know in general if the brain does not care whether you were penetrated by a penis or had someone force themselves onto your penis I feel crazy and disgusting and my therapists have always minimized it and one said online grooming doesnt exist even though one of them when i was 13 was a 25 yr old in my church-school and had agreed for him to take my virginity reposting cause i just feel rly alone rn

It always hurts how my mom treats me, when I came out as a trans guy to her she laughed at me and mocked me and it felt really bad, it feels worse knowing she'll never treat me like her son like she does for my younger brother. She's been ignoring my identity for almost 2 years now and I have 5 years until I can do anything about it ):

you aren't alone. there are so many people who care about you. maybe you haven't met them yet, but won't it be so nice when you do? it might seem like it's you against the world but it isn't. it's hard to realise but it isn't. imagine one day you meet the best friend you could ever ask for. what if that day was the day after you left your toxic friend group? or a week after a breakup? what if you get the cutest pet for a birthday you never thought you'd live to see? bad things have happened to you. but they don't define you. and it's not your fault you feel this way. i believe in you. no matter what you've been through, i believe you'll survive. i never thought i'd live to be 12, and i turn 13 in september! if i can do it, so can you. and although i'm a stranger on the internet, im with you every step of the way. address a rant to me anytime you need <3 ~W31RD_K1D.5038

I tried killing myself 3 times, cut myself more times than I can count. Starved myself as a punishment everyday. I feel like I’m loosing a battle in me. Don’t get me wrong I want to live, but lately things have been going worse, they updated my dosage on anti depressants. But yet I can’t stop, I can’t stop thinking about killing myself I sometimes go to sleep dreaming and making fake scenarios where I die. That’s how bad I want to die, is getting harder to control my emotions and to put up an act that I care, and the smiles. I’m so tired I just want to go to an endless sleep. I want to die and I want to die soon.

Depressed Pan here! Send messages. This might be the last time you hear from me. Say a random username, I might put a rant about you. Depressed Pan out!

im so mad at myself. i got out of my depressive episode a couple days ago and i decided to take some stress off and try baking some cookies. i failed the recipe and they turned out horrible. the thing is, my parents weren’t even mad, but that moment i just felt like such a failure in their eyes, and i just to uncontrollably sob right then and there. i wasted so much ingredients, i wasted the oven electricity and i wasted everyone’s time and hopes for a good batch. I feel like an attention seeker just thinking about this.

Hey uhm I keep ranting on here. It's helping a little bit I guess but then when I come off of this website and go back to school and having to deal with people and pain and selfharm it just hits me that I'm still a kid, I'm 12. I'm not even fully developed yet. I don't really know how to end this but it's kind of comforting knowing real people with the same feels as me read these, I hope everyone who has these problems, whether they have this app or not, gets better. Stay safe all of you. ♡

i wish a truck could come and just help put me out of my misery

Depressed Pan here! Was I accidently made? Were my parents young and afraid? Did God accidently put me into this world?

I hate being trans. I hate periods. I'm bleeding right now and I fucking hate it. Other boys don't get them. I hate it so bad. It hurts so much when I see blood knowing it means I'm a "real woman" or whatever. I look male and most people assume I am but sometimes I don't feel male at all. Especially when I bleed. I can't tell most of my school friends because I already get picked on and called gay or zesty or worse which I can't say. I want it to go away. I'm too young for medication but then I'm old even to bleed and even get pregnant if someone tried to. (I'm not and no one has tried to which I'm glad obviously) I wish it could all go away. My b00bs, my privates, my periods. I hate it all.

I hate my fucking life. I hate my body. I hate heart. I hate my brain. I hate everyone whose hurt me. I wish to not exist but I don't wish to die.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I honestly want to die so bad. I wish I could rot slowly. I want to end up like Yuri. I want to lay down and just bleed and rot slowly until I'm free. I hate the sharp ache on my arms but it's the only thing I can feel other than numbness. I feel sick, so fucking sick. I want to throw up this feeling and then just feel better after. It's not fair. Other people in my school get to have fun, be happy and have fun with their friends. I want to be happy. I want to have fun at school. I can get help so easily and I am, BUT I CANT STOP. IT HURTS SO MUCH HEARING THAT I HAVE TIME COVER UP MY ARMS WHEN IT ACHE SO BAD. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE AND NOT MENTION IT. MY HEAD HURTS WRITING THIS. I'M JUST GONNA SLEEP AND HOPE I DONT GET UP.

I hate talking, I hate reporting infront, I hate socializing, I hate anything that includes me using my voice box, and I hate myself for thinking I'm such an incapable person.

RE: abortion Just in general, how about you post and publish your work in places for poetry and prose, instead of posting something which is clearly not a vent because you are clearly not an aborted fetus that has to live a life of trauma from being aborted. Because the ONLY thing you are doing right now, is upsetting survivors of rape, child rape, incest, etc, triggering people who have had to have abortions, and in general just trying to guilt trip people. This is senseless bullying. You are making everyone feel worse and triggering them by using fictional content that you could have gone your whole life without posting here. I can't implore you to have empathy and discretion any more than this. If youre pro-life, this isn't the way to get people on your side. Neither is harassing PP and taking away the ability for people in poverty to get pre natal care and reproductive healthcare and cancer screenings and STI tests, especially if the location doesn't even DO abortions.

Depressed Pan here. I would cut myself, but as a 15-year-old, I play around in short clothes. The cuts would be too easy to see. Who would cut their private parts? Anybody have places I can cut myself that nobody would realize?