All Rants

i'm kinda jealous of everyone who gets to buy whatever they want it's kinda worse because i'm in a campus with a bunch of rich people. still, my friend who's not exactly rich gets enough money to have a monthly allowance. i've always gotten barely any money and people would have to pay for me. i don't want to leech off of others all my life, but i remember me in elementary going hungry, because the pocket money i got barely covered for two tiny fried sausages to survive for the next 8 hours. i don't know. it's not a big deal since me and my family can still eat and have a roof on our heads, but i wish we had enough to indulge, even just a little. i don't want to worry about money every time i want to eat snacks. i want to get a job or at least do work online, but i'm scared i won't do well. i just want some money for me. i'm not asking for a mansion, or a private jet, just comfortable.

I confronted my friend about an issue I had with him. He slept with a girl I like, and he offered to stop talking to her if I was around and felt really uncomfortable. I told him that they both are single and just enjoying life anyway, nothing serious, made some jokes and played it cool. Not mad at anyone but I still feel like a loser, I feel so much envy of my friend. The way every time he made a joke so casually about that situation like nothing, the way just every girl always talks to him and never me. We both believe we're very similar in a LOT of aspects, so why does everyone still prefer him? The worst part is that I feel sad, but also kinda happy for him cause he's super autistic and anxious, and this whole thing brought him a lot of confidence.

Eh maybe if I just give up then things will come, I can’t count how many times I’ve had to deal with people who choose jobless abusive controlling scumbags over me, maybe I should just be a shitbird maybe that is how one attracts partners. Or Maybe being squared away is too much for people to handle having a work ethic and goals not being abusive. Maybe I’m too stoic too sweet too self reflective or maybe I’m just conceited for thinking any of those things make me better then a jobless abusive person.

i just can't win. No matter what i do right now i just can't have a victory that lasts longer than a few seconds. Imposter syndrome is devouring me alive. My partner assures me im seen but when i need them most they run from the scene because i become too much to handle (which in their defense, is understandable.) in my field im always just good enough. Im on the map, but when it's something i make on my own it's seen as mediocre even if the same love and care or more so is placed on the personal projects than the group collaborations that go farther. I just want for once to bask in a victory of my own. I just want for once to be the best at something. Because right now im the best at being eh.

My family is so effed up. I'd probably make the psychiatrist leave the room. I have heard stories of people dismissing patients saying can't help you you're to broken for me to help or some crap like that and blah blah blah. WHY ARE YOU IN THAT FIELD OF WORK THEN? I don't believe that b s for a second. Anybody can be healed with enough TLC is my belief. Sigh. Random thoughts at 2 am. I kinda wanna scream though. I'm tired of so many things drama, attacks, hateful tones, gaslighting, condescending uncaring to uncalled for words, all from my own family. Words are powerful too you know. As someone who family uses as a free therapist at times I never talk down to what's being said to me , they don't care to do just that and it's unbelievable. I'm not a urinal or toilet you can just shit on and walk away. I'm human I got feelings and emotions too. Drunk ass addicted disrespectful family. Yes absurdity indeed.

I hate myself and there's nothing I can do that makes me feel better because I've always hated myself it's what the world has taught me to do from the moment I started school to the moment I left I barely felt like I was worth keeping around because all that happened around me is people or upset and angry and I always blamed myself it's true I have been called beautiful pretty smart and talented but it always feels like lies because no one really cares until you're gone, if they knew my hatred. I would Have help but.. the Help just wants my money and nothing more. I have been dehumanized by my job treated like a moron because im autistic and i dont work fast enough.

I feel so Worthless.. I started self harming a year ago now, I started on may 11th, and for some reason, I can't stop having relapses.. I hate it, but I feel bad for hating it cuz I know other people have it worse. I keep imaging telling someone abt this, but every time I think about doing it- I just freeze.. These last couple weeks have just felt like nothing. Like- most of the time I feel nothing, other than when I relapse.. I feel so pathetic. Sorry is this wasn't very organized.

I just want to be gone but I know I never would. I’m reckless bc I don’t care if I die but I would never be brave enough to do it to myself. I wouldn’t even know how.

Really? Why my fam gotta knock on my door 2 o'clock in the effing morning? Dont care if I was awake or asleep, there's an unstable drunk in the the house, that's the whole blanking reason why my. Door. Is. Locked. Crap like that is why. Idgaf even it was just wanting allergy medicine.....NOT AT 2 A CLOCK IN THE MORNING THAT'S BULL. not that they need it to be honest. So my other fam.even texts me to give them an allergy medicine. Like why won't people leave me tf alone? I'm not stupid ok. Because prior to this they're like oh I can't take it it bothers my heart but now it's a different story. Why,? They're trying to get messed up on a mix of meds. I know because it's happened before so you can't fool someone who knows their behavior. Regardless you shouldn't bother me unless it's an emergency, which it actually WAS NOT. And after I gave them what they wanted I received crappy sarcastic condescending remarks from them grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Pisses me off ok. Bastard made me mad earlier.

14 girl here, i started when i was 12, sendding nudes, videos, self harm, eating disorder behaviors...all of these landed me in hospital after hospital. i just got home from lpng term and i want to relapse so bad already...im sososo sick of all of this crap, like why cant i behappy, im a spoiled fucking hoe

im 14yr old girl, me and my mom have a good relationship, but tonight was hell with my sister and i now look at both of them differently, i have no clue what to do

when i was 14 i was sent a gore link and.. ever since i saw that video i feel like ive gained an addiction. and i feel disgusting about it. because sure i dont get off to it but i cant help but go back, im now 17 and cant stop, im scared to tell ANY of my family or even friends due to fear of judgement but it makes he sick.

My friend won’t listen to me. She’s always venting about herself and her problems, and when I’m just there listening she gets mad at me for not saying much or giving bland responses, when I do say something she ignores my advice or says that she can’t. It’s also frustrating because people always think I have no issues. They always brush off my feelings or says that I don’t understand. I’m so tired of it all.

im such an academic failure i feel like all my work is entirely useless.

im so disappointed in myself. ive been practicing competitive math for like 9 months, yet i failed the second round of the competition. only top 2 can advance and i got eliminated as #3. i just feel like a failure since so many people expected me to win.

My mom is constantly calling me names and shit and I'm struggling so fucking badly and I'm ready to kms and just O.D and just die but I'm trying to hold on. I'm just ready to relapse or sm. I'm so drained and tired. I'm just ready die. I don't want to leave my sister and Whoever I have left but I feel like shit.

It hurts. It hurts so much. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my fingers hurt, I hurt. The stench of food sickens me, I'll eat to make them happy but I don't want to. I don't have any disorders, I know that. So why? Why does everything hurt? Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. It all stresses me out.

i feel like no matter what i do im destined for failure. things just go wrong all the time and i feel like i don’t understand people well and ill never have a group of “my people” i feel really alone and the one person i love and trust i can’t even talk to or see. i’m tired of burdening people with my existence

Strutting your stuff like you have any stuff to strut. Your square flat ass looks even weirder with the way you walk. Massive turn off.

I'm tired. Mentally, physically, and somehow more. I never know if my friends are real, my best friend has been lying to me, I don't know if my crush still likes me, my friends are doing self harm, I started self harm tonight, I'm up all night and am exhausted in the morning, I have finals for school until around June 4th, I get sick a lot, I feel as if my emotions numbed and more. I want help. I NEED help. But I can't get help...