All Rants

I want to come out and be open about who I am but I know I'll get disowned and stuff. It's really sad when I think about it. Sometimes, it makes me think I'll forever be in the closet.

Feel alone, hate everything, why am i even hoping the rest of my life has anything for me?

My friends birthday is coming up and she's having a party at the mall. She invited me and I know she invited a lot of other people I don't know and don't like and that just makes me not want to go anymore. I feel horrible and guilty though because it's her day. I'm not going to not go, but I'm going to leave early. But, I feel like a horrible person because I'm leaving early on her special day. I was also thinking about just making up an excuse to not go but it made me feel guilty. I don't know why I'm feeling like this.

I hate people who pretend to have mental illnesses just to be different. Like no making sure your pens are in order then saying shit like "omgggg I'm soooo OCD I loveee when my things are all straight and perfect" does not mean you have OCD. Try washing your hands every 30 minutes because you feel like you caught life threating virus that's going to kill your family. Or having to rewash your body because it was wrong the first time and you aren't clean because it was "wrong". STOP SUGAR COATING MENTAL ILLNESS IT'S NOT CUTE AND QUIRKY, IT'S OFFENSIVE.

lowkey I feel like I live such a main character but side character life. like everyone has their moments but I strongly feel like I’m both at the same time considering my luck, like wdym I have like 3 friends but I’m experiencing some main character as shit like my crush actually likes me back or ex bsf reaches out first???

Putting cute bandaids on my self harm scars feels like a form of healing. I feel like Im caring for myself in a weird way. Its really nice

Is it a crazy thing to say that I wish I didn't need to exist? I wish I didn't need to eat. I wish I didn't need to bathe. I wish I didn't need love or a bed or clothes or water or anything. Everyone I know, knows that I'm selfless and not in the way to feel better about myself but in the way that I don't think I deserve any good thing that comes my way. I feel like in the eyes of the people I know, I'm just here to help others, like they only see me as someone they can use because they know I will. I don't want to be used for my brain or my strength or my ability to be patient and give back to people. I want to not exist. But I don't want to die. not because I don't want the freedom but because of what it would do to the people I know. I feel I only live for other people and not myself. I feel like I need to be perfect but who am I even perfect for? my partner? my parents? Myself? surely not so why do I need to exist? I don't know if any of that made sense but thanks for reading

I feel like my gf is drifting further and further apart from me and I don't know what to do. at this point in our lives she's constantly stressed about various things and it's completely reasonably to be stressed but whenever she's stressed she shuts down and she heals on her own. However when I'm stressed I want her to be there to comfort me and tell me that nothing else matters because I'm safe with her but right now we're both stressed out so she's been distant but I'm extra dependent on her and I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared of loosing her. I'm scared of telling her that it hurts me when she's more distant, that I'm scared she'll just think of me as a chore or something else to deal with. I feel like I can't tell her because she has enough to worry about already and I don't need to be another thing on the to do list. In my heart I KNOW she would never think of me like that. maybe it's just my ocd telling me I'm worthless again.

can that stupid orange just fucking die already i fucking hate you

I always feel like I'm bursting with words I want to say, but I can never say all of it. I can never speak my mind even if someone gave me a chance because the truth is I'm gross and disgusting and there will always be someone worse than me, so why even pretend like I'm struggling? I want to die. Maybe just to prove to myself that I AM bad enough. I don't know what I want. I do have friends but it feels like I'm always pushing away. Maybe I like it better when I'm alone. No matter how much love someone gives me, I'll always push away. Not out of fear, maybe I guess I'm just selfish. I hate myself. I hate feeling like this. I hate it so much I want to die so badly. I want to run away so badly. I cant look at myself anymore I cant live in my skin anymore. I hate this so much no matter how much I cry and talk and vent, it'll still be on me. I'll never feel human. I'll never feel real. I'll never want to truly live. But whatever.

Lately I have a urge to move out of our house because I feel suffocated. There are times that my mother would pressure me into supporting our family, but how about me? All my pay check goes to them. I don't anything left for myself.

im so fucking mad at myself, im so mad at him. we have been talking for four years, but then none of us were brave enough to start a relationship with eachother, but we both know we were eachothers, we even admitted it. then, last week we talked more than usual, so i wanted to finally ask him out since were finally a bit older, which is when i found out he got a girlfriend all along. what the fuck? was i nothing to you? do you think its fucking funny to toy me around like that? teasing me after i confront you about it? im not some fucking side chick. im not gonna approach a taken man anymore obviously and im keeping my distance as far as possible. but i hate the fact how i still cant confidently say im over him. i hate this i hate it, why does it have to be me? why the fuck is it always me? fuck this shit

a few weeks back i found out my bestest friends at school were all talking shit about me, what the fuck do i do? but honestly im not surprised because i knew they were popular people who would just laugh at anyone to make themselves look better, but still i feel like im stabbed in the back

I have anxiety and OCD, it gets worse every day, these days have been shit, I feel like shit, I wanted to stop, rest, do nothing for days, am I doomed to suffer from this for ever? I just want peace

I still feel so stupid for letting my ex treat me so poorly. I let them walk all over me and break my boundaries. One day they just started ignoring me, they would avoid me irl, they didnt talk to me or text me for THREE FUCKING MONTHS, then they came back and broke with up me over text, apparentally they stopped loving me months agos and never wanted to talk about it. I hate them and myself so much.

Should I be in a relationship if I don’t fully trust my partner? It’s not his fault at all. It’s because of my two exes. My first one would abuse me every single day. She would hit me and get mad at me for the slightest things. When she fully broke up with me because I said they had red flags, she forced me to date her again. I didn’t want to. It’s partly because my best friend talked to her and is basically the reason she wanted to get back with me. I didn't have a say and when I told her I just wanted to stay friends she stalked me the rest of the night. My other ex manipulated the shit out of me. She made me scared to look at another person for fear that she would find out and hurt me. She was the most toxic person ever. She made me not be able to trust anyone fully. She ruined my life. I almost ended it all because of her. And when I told her I was about to she said “ can you not I have a lot of family issues and don’t need this added on to it.” Am I the bad guy?

I’m a mess. I’ll be this way forever

The people who says girl should support other girls, we should be there for eachother and all of that crap, are such hypocrites. Cause, when getting dih is on the line, they magicaly forget about their own speech

Is it bad to be so (I’ll admit it 😔) down bad for someone you cute without the e yourself for them and imagine them cutting you and you make a whole ass playlist on Spotify about your love for them but yk they won’t like you back :/

I wished you liked me back. You’re so funny and talented and fun and weird and attractive and it sucks that im so far away. It sucks that I wanna die sm and im so ugly and fat and disgusting and I wouldn’t be good for you. I was so fucking stupid to think you liked me back. Every “I love you” and flirtatious joke abused my heart and I just can’t fucking take it. I want to hold your hand and hold you and go to your concerts and watch you play guitar and watch movies and paint and go on walks/bikerides ROMANTICALLY. I’m sick of all the back and forth but I just can’t let you go. Why do you hurt me like this? I’ve cut myself for you, i imagine you killing/hurting me all the time because YOU WONT LEAVE MY FUCKING BRAIN. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU. YOU DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE. WERE SUPPOSED TO TALK, ARENT WE BEST FRIENDS???IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU. but fuck, I love you. and you’ll never say that back in the way I want you to. im sorry 4 eyes.