All Rants

I just want a friend. I sit in my room isolated and rotting all day. I have no one to even connect with. Please why can't the universe just help me this once.

The days seem to blend together. Every day just is the same. Nothing makes me feel happy anymore, things I used to be excited about faded. My parents never seem to understand how much weight they put on me. I was forced to be the mature person from such a young age. I was always told to listen to other people's stories, until I neglected mine for someone else. My partner broke up with me a a few months ago I don't think i've ever felt that much pain before. Three damn years of being lead on. I was always there for them no matter what they went through yet.When I needed support, no one came for me, they immediately turned the tables on me to make it about themselves. I sat there and listened to them while I internally struggled and had no one to go to. I Have been sexually assaulted three times all under the age of fifteen. And every time I tried to speak up about my experience , i'm turned against , i'm seeing as the enemy. Everyone starts to believe anything they hear.

I wish my grandfather hadn't been so cruel to you mom. I wish my grandmother had loved the way you looked. I wish you hadn't lived through a civil war. Maybe if none of that had happened, my life would have been kinder. Maybe I would have had a real mother then. Maybe I would have loved myself, and my brother would have loved himself, and maybe he would have loved women.maybe you would have loved yourself, loved my father, and loved us. And we would all have lived happily ever after.

I wished someone would hug me...

I am afraid of life, i am afraid of pain, i don't like being hurt, i don't want to be in pain anymore. I am scared of life. I am scared to live. I don't know what to do. I lost all drive, ambition and motivation i once had. And i just have a hard time in life. David goggins says to go against the pain or confront whatever i am scared of but i just end up more scared and afraid than before when i do that and at the end whatever i tried went nowhere. And most important of all people just keep hurting me over and over i really can't catch a break. Yeah i am one of those guys, so what? Who cares? You certainly don't.

never fucking watch porn. it’ll seem cool at first but it takes years of your life. the addiction is bad enough but the recovery is worse. i have been emotionally numb, missing out on important milestones, existential thoughts, anxiety and i can’t tell anyone i know. it’s taking forever and i just wish i could go back to a happy child me

i wish i had any bit of motivation and aspirations in life. i don’t know what i wanna do. i’m at the age where everyone is figuring it out, everyone but me. all i do is bed rot. i wish i had something going for me. i have no friends, no support system. i just think and talk to myself. i stay in my room every day and only go out to get necessities. sometimes i feel like a waste of space. like i wasn’t meant to be here.

This a safe space to say i don't like David Attenborough? His voice isn't soothing to me, it's just a stereotypical old British man voice. I feel like imma have a mob sent after me lmfao, just had to rant about it for a sec.

i feel bad when i am with my parents bc i always try do avoid them and never say i love you and i don’t really have a good relationship with them, even tho now it’s getting better. it’s the fact that we had some troubles over the past 2 years and i still can’t get over those things. my mum left home for some times 2 yrs ago, then last year we had many fights and when my parents discovered i used to sh, my mum became unbearable and she said evil things to me. she wished on the worst things and said she had wanted to khs so many times. and many other things. i don’t know what to do with my life. there are so many other things going on but i don’t really wanna write everything

Why do people need everything to be normalized? Just do your thing. Why do you need everyone else to do it too so you feel ok about it?

my mom frustrates me so much. She just argues, complains, yell, lecture us so much to the point where I just numb it out. And even if I have a choice the decisions are invalid, hardly anything. I mean its toxic when your young but I am over it. I have no support in whatever field i want to do since both parents love to ignore me, and as a person who is going to college, I think its best if I talk to someone about majors but if your parent hardly do anything, but my parents love to complain about "college searching, and major searching." to me. I am over this bullshit

Why won't you fucking listen to me, I keep sitting here saying these things the same things ive told you over and over for months and guess what it means fucking nothing. Quit telling me you love me, Quit telling me that oh you want to help and all that other bullshit. Its obvious now that what you say is just to make me feel cared about. Guess when you said I would be easily manipulated i should have known.

I feel like I am becoming insufferable to be around. I have misophonia and I feel like I have a million and one things that trigger it. I love to be around my family but every time we sit down together I just get angry because they make my trigger sounds. It ruins everything. It ruins school, dinners, the cinema, anywhere where there’s no background noise. And I can’t just tell them to stop because it just makes me look rude when I tell them to stop snapping their fingers, or chewing so loudly or tapping on things or clicking their teeth. Theres nothing that makes it better either, I mean I can’t wear noise cancelling headphones all the time. It’s ruining everything.

god i don't know why but every single day i end up crying because of what goes on in my family, like both my parents and my siblings cant comprehend any other emotion but constantly being dismissive or angry, im constantly scared to talked to my parents mainly. I feel as if im being put right on a stage crying my literal eyes out half the time, just to be judged every day of my life from simple decisions to big ones. Every word i speak gets put through their ears like its a threat, or a form of attitude and it definitely isn’t. Like every sentence i speak gets translated into a huge puzzle, i just honestly wish that my family could be not bipolar for one fucking day please.

my girlfriend of a year just came out to me as polyamorous yesterday, and im not okay with it. shes already got a boyfriend, a guy shes known for a couple of months. i dont want to know shes got another partner who she already spends more time with than me. i told her id be fine with it as long as she didnt forget about me, but im starting to regret saying that. i want her to be as happy as possible, so i let stuff like this slide cause i know shed be unhappy if she cant feel like herself. i feel like our relationship is going to end very soon, and im devastated just thinking about it.

Why am I so fcking ugly......?

The knots in my stomach tighten. Looking at you is painful. My heart doesn’t sing the way it used too. It doesn’t feel the soothing hums. I feel nothing. Im running on E. I fake my smile. I fake my laugh. I feel the depression creeping up behind me like a heavy shadow. I can never escape the grasp. My anxiety eats me bit by bit. Your presence doesn’t bring ease. You laugh & smile with bliss. You are a phony. You never address our issues. Instead you bury them. I feel very dark at times. My thoughts are tormenting me. I want to escape but i can’t. It will never mend anything. I don’t want you to touch me. Intimacy doesn’t fix the burned bridges. What’s broken can’t be put back together and look identical to what once was. I have no heart strings left for you to tug on. I have to fake everything for you. I want to know what freedom is like. I don’t understand how someone who loves you can be so cruel. This was my way of venting through writing what seems like a poem.

Sometimes, actually a lot of the times, I wish I had a best friend. Someone who I could genuinely connect with and be myself with. Someone who would never judge me, someone who I could constantly relate to, someone who could constantly relate to me. And not someone who would instantly drop me if they found someone else they found interest in. I crave that sort of friendship, where no matter what, we would always be together.

it's SO hard to like anything, because for some reason famous people are either into children or did something else that's disgusting. i've been a fan of obey me since i was in middle school, and now that asmo's VA has been confirmed to be privately messaging and meeting up with minors, i'm so irritated. i've already had like 2 other games i'm into go through something like this, and people are defending miura and babying him. HE'S 46 BRO he should know better it feels to selfish to want to continue playing and being into OM after this, but the team said they were looking into it and working on it, so i don't feel too iffy about it,, but it still feels weird because he's promoted the game and been the face of it like crazy. and everyone would CRUCIFY you if you're even a little sad about the game being affected. like yes, i'm rooting for the victims 100% and i hope they get justice, ofc. i'm also disappointed about my fav game, i'm not saying idc about the victims, ofc i do😭

My parents have never hit me, never screamed at me. Never abused me but I still feel neglected. They never ask how I'm doing, there's never food for me in the house, there's food for THEM but not for me, and when there is I eat it all like a fucking fat ass and then I'm left with nothing until they go shopping again. And the next time they do they buy things I like but hide it from me since they know I'll eat it in a second. My dad can't communicate with my mom about getting me a therapist but he can spend all day watching, creating and surrounding himself with CP/CSAM and zoophilia shit. I wish I had a normal dad. A normal family. A normal life. I wish Ive never moved, I wish I could stay in one town my entire life. I wish I could get my dad arrested. I wish my dad loved me more than he hated my mom