All Rants

So much is going on rn and I am so stressed but can’t seem to say no to peoples plans and I feel bad. But it is killing me and idk what to do I’ve been crying all day.

I just unscrewed the pencil sharpener and relapsed AGAIN. God, I'm such a fucking pathetic human being. Nothing even really happened to trigger it, I just wanted to feel something. I fucking hate myself for that. I'm such a horrible human being, I don't understand why anyone ever tries to understand or love me. I'm so fucking worthless. And the blood is seeping through my clothing. Great. If anything, I'll just blame it on my period.

Some litteral angel just sent me a note and im sobbing my fucking eyes out. You may know who you are, you may not, but you genuinely just saved my life. Thank you so much, I wish everything in life goes well for you. -K, ps: the advice about the relationships was actually so helpful <3

I'm scared to go outside because of all the people out there

I saw a comment on my recent rant and yes I relate to you so much, I took two classes in healthcare in high school, got CPR certified. completed 100 hours at my local hospital, and took a seminar class about public health. and yet my dream is to have a business, someone in law, or to be someone in psychology. The thing is when I say something about the three of my dreams they would dismiss it or say "why did you ever take a healthcare class when you could take criminal justice? Why didn't you take a psychology class or whatever fucking class" and I sit there going thinking "this is why I feel unsupported," like not every single decision or thought that I think has to be either malicious or negative. It can be "Oh wow you wanted to do this? Well we can certainly try doing this." I don't know it feels like I am introspecting into my own parents parenting and that made me feel shitty. BUT THIS IS MY FUTURE, YOU CAN DISRESPECT MY BOUNDARIES, ME, AND MY FRIENDS BUT THIS IS MY FUTURE.

I just want a friend. I sit in my room isolated and rotting all day. I have no one to even connect with. Please why can't the universe just help me this once.

The days seem to blend together. Every day just is the same. Nothing makes me feel happy anymore, things I used to be excited about faded. My parents never seem to understand how much weight they put on me. I was forced to be the mature person from such a young age. I was always told to listen to other people's stories, until I neglected mine for someone else. My partner broke up with me a a few months ago I don't think i've ever felt that much pain before. Three damn years of being lead on. I was always there for them no matter what they went through yet.When I needed support, no one came for me, they immediately turned the tables on me to make it about themselves. I sat there and listened to them while I internally struggled and had no one to go to. I Have been sexually assaulted three times all under the age of fifteen. And every time I tried to speak up about my experience , i'm turned against , i'm seeing as the enemy. Everyone starts to believe anything they hear.

I wish my grandfather hadn't been so cruel to you mom. I wish my grandmother had loved the way you looked. I wish you hadn't lived through a civil war. Maybe if none of that had happened, my life would have been kinder. Maybe I would have had a real mother then. Maybe I would have loved myself, and my brother would have loved himself, and maybe he would have loved women.maybe you would have loved yourself, loved my father, and loved us. And we would all have lived happily ever after.

I wished someone would hug me...

I am afraid of life, i am afraid of pain, i don't like being hurt, i don't want to be in pain anymore. I am scared of life. I am scared to live. I don't know what to do. I lost all drive, ambition and motivation i once had. And i just have a hard time in life. David goggins says to go against the pain or confront whatever i am scared of but i just end up more scared and afraid than before when i do that and at the end whatever i tried went nowhere. And most important of all people just keep hurting me over and over i really can't catch a break. Yeah i am one of those guys, so what? Who cares? You certainly don't.

never fucking watch porn. it’ll seem cool at first but it takes years of your life. the addiction is bad enough but the recovery is worse. i have been emotionally numb, missing out on important milestones, existential thoughts, anxiety and i can’t tell anyone i know. it’s taking forever and i just wish i could go back to a happy child me

i wish i had any bit of motivation and aspirations in life. i don’t know what i wanna do. i’m at the age where everyone is figuring it out, everyone but me. all i do is bed rot. i wish i had something going for me. i have no friends, no support system. i just think and talk to myself. i stay in my room every day and only go out to get necessities. sometimes i feel like a waste of space. like i wasn’t meant to be here.

This a safe space to say i don't like David Attenborough? His voice isn't soothing to me, it's just a stereotypical old British man voice. I feel like imma have a mob sent after me lmfao, just had to rant about it for a sec.

i feel bad when i am with my parents bc i always try do avoid them and never say i love you and i don’t really have a good relationship with them, even tho now it’s getting better. it’s the fact that we had some troubles over the past 2 years and i still can’t get over those things. my mum left home for some times 2 yrs ago, then last year we had many fights and when my parents discovered i used to sh, my mum became unbearable and she said evil things to me. she wished on the worst things and said she had wanted to khs so many times. and many other things. i don’t know what to do with my life. there are so many other things going on but i don’t really wanna write everything

Why do people need everything to be normalized? Just do your thing. Why do you need everyone else to do it too so you feel ok about it?

my mom frustrates me so much. She just argues, complains, yell, lecture us so much to the point where I just numb it out. And even if I have a choice the decisions are invalid, hardly anything. I mean its toxic when your young but I am over it. I have no support in whatever field i want to do since both parents love to ignore me, and as a person who is going to college, I think its best if I talk to someone about majors but if your parent hardly do anything, but my parents love to complain about "college searching, and major searching." to me. I am over this bullshit

Why won't you fucking listen to me, I keep sitting here saying these things the same things ive told you over and over for months and guess what it means fucking nothing. Quit telling me you love me, Quit telling me that oh you want to help and all that other bullshit. Its obvious now that what you say is just to make me feel cared about. Guess when you said I would be easily manipulated i should have known.

I feel like I am becoming insufferable to be around. I have misophonia and I feel like I have a million and one things that trigger it. I love to be around my family but every time we sit down together I just get angry because they make my trigger sounds. It ruins everything. It ruins school, dinners, the cinema, anywhere where there’s no background noise. And I can’t just tell them to stop because it just makes me look rude when I tell them to stop snapping their fingers, or chewing so loudly or tapping on things or clicking their teeth. Theres nothing that makes it better either, I mean I can’t wear noise cancelling headphones all the time. It’s ruining everything.

god i don't know why but every single day i end up crying because of what goes on in my family, like both my parents and my siblings cant comprehend any other emotion but constantly being dismissive or angry, im constantly scared to talked to my parents mainly. I feel as if im being put right on a stage crying my literal eyes out half the time, just to be judged every day of my life from simple decisions to big ones. Every word i speak gets put through their ears like its a threat, or a form of attitude and it definitely isn’t. Like every sentence i speak gets translated into a huge puzzle, i just honestly wish that my family could be not bipolar for one fucking day please.

my girlfriend of a year just came out to me as polyamorous yesterday, and im not okay with it. shes already got a boyfriend, a guy shes known for a couple of months. i dont want to know shes got another partner who she already spends more time with than me. i told her id be fine with it as long as she didnt forget about me, but im starting to regret saying that. i want her to be as happy as possible, so i let stuff like this slide cause i know shed be unhappy if she cant feel like herself. i feel like our relationship is going to end very soon, and im devastated just thinking about it.