All Rants

it almost seems like they're mocking me. laughing, joking, like the perfect family without me. without. ME. maybe it is better if I just disappeared. then this sudden happiness in our family can be..everyday..normal. i'm sitting in my room. I don't eat. I don't eat dinner, lunch, nor breakfast yet they don't seem to give two fucks about it. I've cut myself. I can't stop staring at the crimson dripping cuts, decorating the outside of my wrists in my favorite color. the worst part is, is that it isn't the fact I cut myself that scares me, its the fact that its so noticeable. I wonder what their reactions would be to the cost of their actions towards me.

I don't feel human every time I try I fail. Everyday I am the old ghost that desperately wants to be revived again. I learned how to minic one, but it's sloppy. Somedays I perfect it correct, most days I don't it's a failure. I can't react in an emotional setting when someone needs me too me. I cannot be helpful when I am loud and obnoxious. I cannot be intelligent as I fail to be punctual and awake. I only talk about I and when I want to learn about others they don't speak. They are a wall most of the times and I can't break into their human side. I envy all that can be their age, I envy those who can love a person and not obsess, I envy those who are human.

im so fucking mad i got seperated from the only friend that actually. Cared about me we got separated into different schools and now im here to fend for myself sure we could talk online but its just not the same. school drama and stuff is what gets us talking this is actually so unfair im extremely traumatized by my previous school and i hate the people at my new school. i get racial remarks and made fun of for being neurodivergent and constant harassment. i cant even get much help because of my parents apparently school is supposed to make you confident n loud and proud at the end of your senior year but thats bullshit. apparently i haven’t found my people? ill bet you im the strangest person you’ll ever meet and im trying so hard to blend in every day If i said i wanted to kill myself again that'll only bring me to the psych ward and disappointment to my parents i miss my friend but i literally cannot do anything. im out of control of this situation this shit is so unfair

I feel so alone. I feel like my family and friends hate me. My friends haven’t talked or contacted me this summer and when I try to talk to my family they make fun of me and my interests. And when I tell them how I feel they say it was just a joke and to stop being suck a cry baby even though they are calling me weird and stupid and ugly to my face. It’s been bothering me so much that I started self harming again after six months, that they know that I have struggled with in the past that my brother once made fun of me for. I think everyone would be better off without me and that I’m just a burden. Can’t do anything right and I’m chopped. Idk if I’m being dramatic or not but I just want someone to care for me.

I think that I might want to kill myself. This pain is too great. The people that I turned to for answers turned their backs on me the moment I began an investigation on my ex. Not only did my ex betray and “punish me” when I asked for a break to focus on my schoolwork. I found out that they were a liar, not a petty liar but a treacherous liar. Calling me “unsafe” the moment I asked for a break. I woke up with all of my writings gone, my account banned from the discord server we were in, and I was barred from asking if she had done these things. When I went to others for help she, because she blocked me didn’t give me access to our shared dms so I was left without anyway to defend myself. I became a scapegoat for so many people. I don’t know what to trust anymore. Was she lying to me the entire time?

I love my family, my parents and all that. But it just gets so frustrating whenever they argue, my parents had a really bad bad argument last year and it was in the car on the way to my aunts party, my mom kept instigating and telling my dad to drop her off and she’ll walk home, she was crying too so it wasn’t helping my situation. I sat in the passenger seat and i couldn’t even listen to my music like I always did, I kept my back turned and tried to comfort my mom the best way I could, I kept repeating at her to stop and calm down but it was like I was on mute and all she could hear was whatever venom my dad was spitting back at her. Today, about 10 minutes ago my parents seemed to get into another big argument, my mom was crying and hyperventilating and I had to lock the room and bathroom so she wouldn’t go into the balcony where my dad was and continue the fight, I felt so useless because I can’t fix anything, I’m only 15. I wasn’t made for this.

I really hate work. Every time i clock in i have horrible anxiety to the point where I break down in the car or during long shifts I begin to experience physical symptoms. I had a panic attack last week at work after a long lunch rush, multiple customer complaints, diffcult managment, and then being handed a vest a fellow coworker had just warn while they threw up. This is a minimum wage fast food job so I feel so stupid that this is even affecting me this much. I love some of my coworkers and I don't want to leave them and I know that some newer hires rely on me to call out managment when things get rough but I can't do this anymore. The job itself isnt hard other then some customers but the manangers are horrible. They have little consideration of people outside of their own group and constantly talk bad about everyone. I need to quite but the thought of leaving my trainees and those newer people who rely on me is holding me back. I feel selfish but this job is draining me.

bloodstream has ruined me in ways i can't understand. it's making me realize all my younger trauma with my dad. it was terrible. i knew not to trust him when i was 5. i should love my dad not feel a raw sense of fear. not to be scared if i anger him to the point he hits me. what was enough? anytime he yelled at me i cried. i couldn't not cry. the way he would say he didnt care about me, and made me feel like a stupid little girl who has no sense of anything. i shouldn't have felt that. i should've felt like a kid. not a bitch. i cried to my mom wondering why my dad just couldn't love me. why i couldn't just be the kid he wanted.

I was so in love with you, everyday at school when i saw your beautiful brown eyes i felt safe. I felt like as long as i saw you i would be fine, all my anxiety faded away. yet you never really cared did you. you say we're friends and say we love eachother in the platonic sense. but what was it really. what was it. what was it when you got mad over the fact we couldn't sleep in the same bed bc ur mom found out i was gay? what was it when even your best friend thought we were dating over how non friendly we acted. what was it when you would notice anything new about me. what was it when you were scared to tell me you broke up with your boyfriend. what was it when you always wanted to hold my hand. what was it when you KNEW you were making me feel things, making me confused. but still did it. still looked at me with adortion. still looked at me in any room. I AM SO TIRED of this. okay? you don't know how much it hurts to see uwith your girlfriend talking with her but ur eyes are on me.

fuck my life i actualy hate this world i wanna kill myselfso fucking bad but i told myself that one of my friends is worse than me so i cant until they do AHHHH

ever since l moved things have went terrible for me. i have no friends because the people I graduated with were horrible to me. im long distance with my boyfriend which just makes things more lonely. i used to have beautiful curly hair until i moved here. the hard water has damaged my hair terrible to the point it doesn't curl anymore. I've struggled with hair issues and self image for years. this just made it worse. on top of that, I get my eyebrows waxed to keep them cleaned up because they're thick. I went to a place here, and they waxed off a chunk of the front of my brow. now im left with a sparse brow and it won't grow back into the square shape it used to be. another brow lady waxed off the tails completely, so now they won't grow in the way they used to either. the top of my hair has weird breakage in one spot that sticks up, I don't even use heat on my hair. i can’t even tell if its new growth. it makes me look stupid. I’m just feeling unlucky and I’m over it.

My cat was diagnosed with a condition where her intestines are in her chest. I am so scared for her, it is making her vomit constantly because her lungs are squeezing her intestines, making it hard to digest so it comes back up. This also makes it hard for her to breathe. She means the world to me and idk what I would do without her. I’m just scared that the surgery is going to cost a lot, and my family is kinda broke rn, so I’m scared what this will do to us financially. Also I’m scared that she is going to die, if she does, idk what I’ll do, she is like my child, when I’m at home, I’m with her and she is with me. I just hope that the surgery is cheap and that my cat doesn’t die. Also the reason I’m scared is because, I’ve had depression for years, and it kinda fluctuates. And I’m scared that if this cat dies, I will spiral into a deep pit of depression and not be able to get out. Because the same thing happened when my two “ best” friends ghosted me and I tried to kill myself. Bye 😘

I didn't SH for literally 123 days,i think it's a quiet beautiful number but i also feel like relapsing soon,so idk

Im a jobless loser and i dont deserve to have anything and the bare essentials like food and shelter need to be constantly justified everyday by applying to jobs I'll never hear from and/or lose to AI. My career ended before it even began and now I am an uneducated, unskilled 30 year old.

im so fuckin jealous and petty and bitter over how much my bf puts time/energy/focus into committee work/hanging out with friends more than anything involving our relationship. Anniversaries are forgotten, birthdays are planned by me, all talk about trips and vacations and doing things together as a couple are just that. I've expressed wanting to get married and he allegedly agrees but nothing has moved forward on that. Despite having the means to change our lives we're not taking any drastic leaps and its the same thing over and over every day. Its clear these committee meetings and spending time with friends are what he's passionate about, the things he actually wants to do, and this relationship is just an afterthought. At worst I feel like I'm his roommate that he'll have sex with when he's in the mood (and only when he's in the mood) who also cleans up after him. There is no romance, there is no courting, no passion. I wish I had the means to live on my own sometimes.

i really cannot stand having to comfort somebody when im already exhausted feel like shit and theyre upset for no fucking reason to start with

I cut off my friend of 4 years because I felt she was toxic. Our friends did the same thing and supported my decision. But everyday I think about her. And all feel is regret. It feels like i have no one talk too and no one who shares the same interest as me. I miss having someone who could call whenever I wanted too. I miss having someone who could play videogames with me. I miss having someone who could cosplay with me. I miss having someone who could reply to every message I sent within a few minutes. I miss having someone I could show my art too and immediately be glazed instead of ignored. I miss her. But the actions she's done are so awful but the more I think about it the more I realize that she really has changed. Yes she still has terrible qualities, but maybe instead of ditching her I should of helped her. I whann be friends again, but I don't wanna get sucked back into the situation I was in. I don't think it was just her, I think I might've been toxic too.

maaan i hope I never have sex again it was overrated anyway

Been a failure, I could not find a role that suits my education which I dreamt of, not being able to support family, going through a medical emergency both financially and emotionally. Not able to look after my health. Losing friends, not brave enough to approach someone for help. I'm a mess. Only thought I'm having constantly is why was I born.

Ive been in a depressive episode for 3 months, I cant do this anymore. The only reason I'm still sane is because im trying to keep my family together. I have no one to talk to about how im feeling, and my family suspects nothing. They compare me to my sister who's becoming a problem saying they're glad im not like her. Truth is im trying to be a good child and make my parents happy, ive always hidden how I feel to cause less problems. Im jealous of people who can cut themselves, im itching to do it. But my mum has found out 3 times before and I dont want to stress her anymore. So I cut on the upper of my thigh but that doesnt suffice. I want to cut my arms freely and not just a small portion of my thighs. When I move out its probably the first thing im doing. I wish I had someone to comfort, amd hug me, and someone I could just tell everything.