All Rants

I'm too young to be depressed, too old to cry, and im still here.

why does it hurt? why does it hurt so fucking much? why is it that the only thing i wanna do is kms? why is it that im too scared too? why am i like this? why doesn't anyone care? why am i too scared to ask for help? why do i cut myself so fucking often? why am i clean for 1 day and then do it 42 times the next? pls. i js want it to stop. PLEASE! why do i pray to god that he is real so he can fix me? why do all my friends hate me? why do i follow my friends instead of being part of them? why cant i do anything? why am i so fucking stupid? i need help.. please? why is the floor so fucking cold? why dont the pills work? why cant i stab myself? WHY?

i need medication for my ocd BAD... i don't think i should be stuck on one thought and one incident all day and i don't think it should make me want to die???

I'm bitter and hateful at life, life fucks you all. I wanted to dream, and live out my dreams, but my dreams are unrealistic by parents alike. I wanted to FUCKING make a anime, animated series. I can't draw, i can't animate. I can write but nobody will read it, i can draw but nobody will look at it. I have no skills, and the thing i like. The one thing i want to do. I can't. I have no skills but want it allll. I literally can't win anymore. Mu life is shit, i was born on this earth to do nothing but work myself to death. I didn't ask to be here, to be born and suffer like this, I didn't.

Made fun of for expressing my suicidal feelings. I'm either an expert like everyone else or a fraud. I know it's my fault for projecting my volatile emotional state onto those people instead of just doing what's best for myself.

I fucking hate you so much. I hate you SO FUCKING MUCH. I do my best to try to think of your positive sides and think of nothing. You call yourself 'realistic' then insult everything and expect people to like you. I get it's okay to have boundaries but that's all you fucking are. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You talked to me while drunk and your words really touched me, you made me thought you actually cared about me even if it was hard to show but no, you return back to the fucking bitch I hate you as. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You invalidate my feelings constantly, belittle me, and make me insecure all while you cry too. I really hate how my mind makes me idolize you. I don't want to be you. I want to be better than you but you make it so hard to hate you for so long. Maybe that's just my ability to forgive so easily.

That obnoxious stomping really pisses me off ok. I'm 99 percent of the time quiet and bother nobody. Other fam just shrug it off or ignore. I get fed up of this shit. Grow tf you petty disrespectful salty ass bitches. It's fuckin bullshit.

I no longer have a purpose in life I feel myself becoming more useless and lazy by the day. Purpose is what gets humans moving and out of bed. But without purpose we're just drifters. Life becomes meaningless and what's the point of going through? Its not like I have some sob story I create my own problems. I just wish for an easy fix but I'm too much of a coward.

Why TF do people kid and adult alike above me have to friggin stomp like brick/cinder block feet nearing 10 o'clock at night? Wtf is wrong with people? Don't have the sense God gave a goose I guess. Smh

I fucking hate myself I wanna fucking kill myself. I have a passion project I'm avoiding because WHAT? I'm too unmotivated? That's not a thing? Right? I can't tell ir I'm starving or not..I can't tell if I'm tired or not. It hurts. Everywhere. I'm confused. I just want to die. I have no one to talk to.. I'm miserable. I'm not healthy at all. I feel each day I'm slowly deteriorating. I might have depression and OCD but I don't know because I won't be taken to a therapist or psychiatrist. If I grow up. I want the ability to make my project a reality and take breaks without feeling like a waste of a human.

it almost seems like they're mocking me. laughing, joking, like the perfect family without me. without. ME. maybe it is better if I just disappeared. then this sudden happiness in our family can be..everyday..normal. i'm sitting in my room. I don't eat. I don't eat dinner, lunch, nor breakfast yet they don't seem to give two fucks about it. I've cut myself. I can't stop staring at the crimson dripping cuts, decorating the outside of my wrists in my favorite color. the worst part is, is that it isn't the fact I cut myself that scares me, its the fact that its so noticeable. I wonder what their reactions would be to the cost of their actions towards me.

I don't feel human every time I try I fail. Everyday I am the old ghost that desperately wants to be revived again. I learned how to minic one, but it's sloppy. Somedays I perfect it correct, most days I don't it's a failure. I can't react in an emotional setting when someone needs me too me. I cannot be helpful when I am loud and obnoxious. I cannot be intelligent as I fail to be punctual and awake. I only talk about I and when I want to learn about others they don't speak. They are a wall most of the times and I can't break into their human side. I envy all that can be their age, I envy those who can love a person and not obsess, I envy those who are human.

im so fucking mad i got seperated from the only friend that actually. Cared about me we got separated into different schools and now im here to fend for myself sure we could talk online but its just not the same. school drama and stuff is what gets us talking this is actually so unfair im extremely traumatized by my previous school and i hate the people at my new school. i get racial remarks and made fun of for being neurodivergent and constant harassment. i cant even get much help because of my parents apparently school is supposed to make you confident n loud and proud at the end of your senior year but thats bullshit. apparently i haven’t found my people? ill bet you im the strangest person you’ll ever meet and im trying so hard to blend in every day If i said i wanted to kill myself again that'll only bring me to the psych ward and disappointment to my parents i miss my friend but i literally cannot do anything. im out of control of this situation this shit is so unfair

I feel so alone. I feel like my family and friends hate me. My friends haven’t talked or contacted me this summer and when I try to talk to my family they make fun of me and my interests. And when I tell them how I feel they say it was just a joke and to stop being suck a cry baby even though they are calling me weird and stupid and ugly to my face. It’s been bothering me so much that I started self harming again after six months, that they know that I have struggled with in the past that my brother once made fun of me for. I think everyone would be better off without me and that I’m just a burden. Can’t do anything right and I’m chopped. Idk if I’m being dramatic or not but I just want someone to care for me.

I think that I might want to kill myself. This pain is too great. The people that I turned to for answers turned their backs on me the moment I began an investigation on my ex. Not only did my ex betray and “punish me” when I asked for a break to focus on my schoolwork. I found out that they were a liar, not a petty liar but a treacherous liar. Calling me “unsafe” the moment I asked for a break. I woke up with all of my writings gone, my account banned from the discord server we were in, and I was barred from asking if she had done these things. When I went to others for help she, because she blocked me didn’t give me access to our shared dms so I was left without anyway to defend myself. I became a scapegoat for so many people. I don’t know what to trust anymore. Was she lying to me the entire time?

I love my family, my parents and all that. But it just gets so frustrating whenever they argue, my parents had a really bad bad argument last year and it was in the car on the way to my aunts party, my mom kept instigating and telling my dad to drop her off and she’ll walk home, she was crying too so it wasn’t helping my situation. I sat in the passenger seat and i couldn’t even listen to my music like I always did, I kept my back turned and tried to comfort my mom the best way I could, I kept repeating at her to stop and calm down but it was like I was on mute and all she could hear was whatever venom my dad was spitting back at her. Today, about 10 minutes ago my parents seemed to get into another big argument, my mom was crying and hyperventilating and I had to lock the room and bathroom so she wouldn’t go into the balcony where my dad was and continue the fight, I felt so useless because I can’t fix anything, I’m only 15. I wasn’t made for this.

I really hate work. Every time i clock in i have horrible anxiety to the point where I break down in the car or during long shifts I begin to experience physical symptoms. I had a panic attack last week at work after a long lunch rush, multiple customer complaints, diffcult managment, and then being handed a vest a fellow coworker had just warn while they threw up. This is a minimum wage fast food job so I feel so stupid that this is even affecting me this much. I love some of my coworkers and I don't want to leave them and I know that some newer hires rely on me to call out managment when things get rough but I can't do this anymore. The job itself isnt hard other then some customers but the manangers are horrible. They have little consideration of people outside of their own group and constantly talk bad about everyone. I need to quite but the thought of leaving my trainees and those newer people who rely on me is holding me back. I feel selfish but this job is draining me.

bloodstream has ruined me in ways i can't understand. it's making me realize all my younger trauma with my dad. it was terrible. i knew not to trust him when i was 5. i should love my dad not feel a raw sense of fear. not to be scared if i anger him to the point he hits me. what was enough? anytime he yelled at me i cried. i couldn't not cry. the way he would say he didnt care about me, and made me feel like a stupid little girl who has no sense of anything. i shouldn't have felt that. i should've felt like a kid. not a bitch. i cried to my mom wondering why my dad just couldn't love me. why i couldn't just be the kid he wanted.

I was so in love with you, everyday at school when i saw your beautiful brown eyes i felt safe. I felt like as long as i saw you i would be fine, all my anxiety faded away. yet you never really cared did you. you say we're friends and say we love eachother in the platonic sense. but what was it really. what was it. what was it when you got mad over the fact we couldn't sleep in the same bed bc ur mom found out i was gay? what was it when even your best friend thought we were dating over how non friendly we acted. what was it when you would notice anything new about me. what was it when you were scared to tell me you broke up with your boyfriend. what was it when you always wanted to hold my hand. what was it when you KNEW you were making me feel things, making me confused. but still did it. still looked at me with adortion. still looked at me in any room. I AM SO TIRED of this. okay? you don't know how much it hurts to see uwith your girlfriend talking with her but ur eyes are on me.

fuck my life i actualy hate this world i wanna kill myselfso fucking bad but i told myself that one of my friends is worse than me so i cant until they do AHHHH