All Rants

i dont feel alive

it's my first time venting for anyone but i think i needed this. what will i say is different than what you think. i hate myself not in a way that makes me wanna kill myself or depressed i just feel pity like im a ungrateful person i feel like i dont deserve to have good life. i got in troubles recently and everything made me feel like im the worst. i look at myself in the mirror and feels disgusted like im looking at an ugly creature. i feel guilty about many things in my life but idk how to start or will i forgive myself. i dont even know if what i'm saying in understandable but this is the most accurate description about what im going through.

Well, here I am venting to the computer cause I feel so disconnected with humans in general. Sometimes I feel I am not an interesting person because I am not doing back flips in front of people. I am more like a iquana, I blend in the background. I am the person never been seen. I can't help that I am not very talkative at first. I want a real friendship, but I have a hard time trusting people. With intrusive thoughts seeping in, I pull back. I know we are all just humans and we learn different experiences and traumas that mold us into who we are. I can be patient, but the pain of doing so hurts too badly. Emotions. I know it's healthy to set boundaries. Writing in a diary doesn't make me feel heard. So I upgraded to the internet. Maybe I will feel a little validated, maybe. I have to eat a certain diet because I am sensitive to food. Even the healthiest foods. Eh. 1000 words isn't quite long enough. Passing a math equation is exhausting!

I am so tired of school. I know this is temporary, I know that I'm almost done with all my pre prerequisites, and I know that in a couple of years I will be grateful that I pushed through but OMG I'M SICK OF IT! I hate doing school work and I hate my job. I am only in community college and I know the school load is gonna get worse when I transfer. I see everyone around me having fun and I wish that was me but I only do the same things every week and the only fun thing I get is time on my phone. I can't see any friends because we all either have work or a school project or I'm working at my dead in job that I wish I could quit. I want to go into Psych and I love my psych class but every other class sucks and I hate doing school work. My parents don't understand and I am so stressed about possibly failing since they paid for my college. I wish I was a little kid again or I wish that my family had some generational wealth so I didn't have to do all this.

I wish I didn't see his bleeding wrists and see him cutting over and over every time I close my eyes. I wish I didn't send him so many nudes thinking that is actually what he needed. I wish I hadn't actually thought he cared about me as a friend cause it was 2 years. I wish I didn't know he was 29 from the start

sometimes I wish some thing actually fucked or sad HaD happened to me in my life so I had a reason to self harm a reason for fucking everythimg and thats so fucked upand my family's almost perfect and bar the fact half my friends sh i have the best friend group I wish I could help them. And my dad wants dme to go to the police cause he found out about me getting groomed ish and i can't because icat show them proof because I told the guy my homelife was shit and i had this made up shi life and why am I so fucked

I FUCKING HATE OLDER MEN SM ANS PEOLE JOKING ABOHT SUCIDE AND SELF HARM AND MY PARENTS THINGING IM THE DUMB ONE LIKE TF I WS 11 HOW WOULD IK WHAT TO DO WHEN I GET GROOMED AND FUCK I JUST KEEP SEEING THE VIDEOS OF HIS WRISTS AND I WISH I COULD TELL SOMEONE I STUPIDLY MEET UP WITH HIM IRL AND DFHUHCDFN BUT I CANT CUSE IM SO TUPID AND I WISH I NEVER DOWNLOADED SNAPCHT. ND ALL MY FRIENDS THAT SELF HARM I WISH THRRE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO AMD YEA

FUUUUUUUUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ME HOLY FUCK IM WORKING PLEASE STOP TALKING TO MEEEE

honestly fuck you. Goodbye

If u really loved me you wouldn't have done those shit, I hate you for it, but I believed that you'd change. Prove yourself to me

I hope u grow some brains and balls and stop running away from your own mistake and responsibility. I gave you enough chances, I don't deserve your shitty treatment. If ur not ready to comit then leave me alone, let's stop everything here. I'll remove u from my life for good.

I’m scared. I’m scared of the bad person I’ll become. I’m scared of facing the consequences of my own selfishness and failure. I’m scared of all the bad things I’ll end up doing because I only care about myself. I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want people to look at me and see nothing but a monster. I don’t want animals to run away from me in fear and disgust. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a bad person. I know this feeling of shame and guilt will pass and I’ll continue doing what I always do, but I’m still scared.

I’m lonely and depressed

im genuinely so disgusted with myself, i contemplate why im still even alive. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore without crying and wanting to throw up. I hate myself so much and i don’t know how to fix that mentality. I don’t feel like i deserve anything, and i constantly feel guilty. I hate having to eat because it’s just a reminder that i’m a disgusting fatass that nobody will ever love. The hate that i feel for myself is genuinely insane, and i often think about how much better people’s lives would be if i weren’t here anymore. All i do is fuck up everything and cause problems. I feel like such a burden to everyone around me, and i feel so ashamed even walking out in public because people have to look at me. I can’t do this anymore. It’s so fucking hard getting out of bed in the morning, all i want to do is sleep forever and get out of here. And even now i feel like such a selfish person for sharing this because there are so many other people that have it worse.

how does she do it every teacher loves her she gets good grades is good at everything good at art people reach out to her and it doesn't even take her that much effort and badminton she's so good and she's so smart she knows most of the countries even ivory knows them and when i try? nope. and then its just like how bc I try yet I only do average in everything compared to everyone else in my class bc you look at the average grade for the class in something and its around what I got you look at me comparing my art to other people its just average when I do dance classes I thought I was at least okay at it but nope I got put in level 1 elite team instead of 2 or 3 and I was put with people younger than me and its like whatever I try doing anything it ends up not good enough my parents are never satisfied with my grades and they tell me to stop doing the minimum when im trying to do better but i just cant. even though some people are like “but you are doing better than

so my parents took me to therapy today and they walked me around- i told my parents i didnt like it but they still signed me up... UGHHHHH "its someone you can talk to" STFU FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE- like i dont need someone to talk to i NEED someone to leave me alone and let me figure out things on my own without bringing me down?!?!

My former teacher (who was a grad student in my university) falsely accused me of stalking, sexual harassment and violent threats, and caused me to lose one of the most valuable possible degrees I could've gotten, in the #5 ranked school in the world for that degree, when I had two classes left. I also once greatly respected that teacher and had feelings for her. It left me mentally broken and I wasn't even doing basic healthy things, on the top of the horrid final year at that school due to what the teacher did to me. I lost so many friends, feel like all those memories were tainted and broken, and a whole path in my career was broken. I almost ended my life and was 99% there but a friend convinced me to call the suicide lifeline. I did, told the guy my story and he told me he could hear the pain in my voice. I feel hatred for her and don't understand how someone could ruin a life and then go on like nothing. I just feel so much poison in my system, I don't know how to forget this

Uggghhh i feel so drained, the school year is almost over amd they are drowning us in school performance tasks BIG ONES! We got research stuff to do, lots of acting, math tournaments, and a lot more. I know some people are facing more difficult problems than the ones I'm facing but still i feel so drained. And we only have 2 months of no school until it's another school year to face

i dont even know what to do guys. everyone are just...so close minded to me. now my aunt is sending me back to my mom and telling me to stop learning and take care of my siblings instead. I DONT WANNA DO THAT i swear if only my tears werent so drained id bawl my eyes out right now. i dont wanna go to that damn province and stop learning. they say it could teach me a valuable lesson... i just did something stupid like my class ends in 1:30 pm, and i got home almost 5 pm. did that on purpose because my aunt leaves for work around 3 or 4. i did it because i avoid being scolded because apparently i spent like my lunch money for tueday to friday, she gave me that last week for that week. well i skipped class in tueday to thursday for some private reason and that money she gave me, i used it for my snacks when i go and spend most of my time in our church in thursdays and sundays. i was hungry so i used that money. i refused to ask more money since i still got some left. idk guys :(

i recently got interested with one of my classmates. she’s a girl and im a girl also. just last january i found out that she has a girlfriend, i dont know why, but i think i have a little crush on her, i dreamed of her this morning, this is so fucked ip