All Rants

It's really hard going through a breakup and still having to go to work. If I could I'd take off a week but I can't, I need that money. Every day not working is less money I'll have left over after bills. This is hard and idk how I'm managing.

introduced two of my closest friends together and we became an inseparable trio, but they got closer cuz they share hobbies and likes. ive always known i was more of a loner and i like silence and i definitely need my own space, but ive always believed a person needs a few close people by and those two were (technically still are) my ride or die. i find it hard to talk about stuff, sharing things about ones self is hard if you've never done it, right? i confronted my two friends about it before, but it was probably my immatureness back then, i caused a big scene and messed everything up, but we got back up slowly since then. now, from my pov they're still my best friends and they mean the world to me, and are one of the few peeps i talk to, but these days they hang out without me often, i don't even get invites to roblox games they play for hours. and they match profiles, bios and stuff.. im feeling left out from all of this, but speaking up is hard when it didn't work out in the past

I can't stop thinking about any frustrating things. I get upset when people make me try things that I don't want to try. OH, I'M SORRY THAT I AM ALLOWED TO TRY NEW FOODS ON MY OWN TIME BUT INSUFFERABLE PEOPLE MAKE ME TRY NOW.

Fuckkk im tired of everything.. I keep pretending idgaf but deep inside i feel like there is a void thats never going to be filled... not a single soul cares bout my filthy existence but i want to live not for anyone else but myself although i loathe this so called "self" but still there is a part in me which wants to embrace it like a mother does to newborn.... im not doing well w anything im not fit , bad at academics and no motivation to work for no achievementa to show , waste my whole day scrolling like an ape , worrying abt non sensical thing ecen feel like i am sick sometimes and think small changes in my nody is something serious lmao then when i introspect everything seems silly and the whole cycle of self loathing continues... either i break this cycle now or its never gonna happen... i have tried many times but nothing has worked but this time i dont wanna look back i wanna run.. as fast as i can hope i dont look back and give myself up to this void✌️

I am struggling to find reasons to really keep going anymore i have a huge lack of self esteem and im worried im secretly a narcissistic abuser but i dont know and i dont know how to fix myself or my feelings or all the sad things that happened to me i dont get it and im worried im just going to give up, i dont want my only reasons to stay be someone else but i really don’t have any other reason and im finding myself losing interest in everything It feels like its coming soon and im just painfully waiting I hate being scared of what people think of me or being scared of vulnerability I either complain too much or not enough, where does it end? When will it end? Am i seriously ever going to get better? I don’t know what will work or help anymore maybe this is just what im doomed to feel forever

I'm so fucking tired of everything and I don't know what I'm going to do in my future. I hear from my friends their plans for their future and I'm like "oh, cool! I'm going to support their passions and hope everything goes along well for them" but what do I think about me? I had a dream but I feel I lost the passion. Mom is always like "study this" "get a good job" "this isn't going to bring you money" well shit, thanks (I love my mom but I'm genuinely tired of hearing that) I feel I don't have motivation nor interest of the topic my mom wants me to do. It's all about the fucking money and I'm tired, I genuinely don't know what I'm gonna do in the future or what job will I get.

everything is too much. I can't handle being the person so many other people depend on. I can't even keep my own shit together, and other people are waiting for me to fix their problems??? and now I'm getting written up at work for finding and fixing the problem that students were having enrolling in this fucking class that I'm somehow fucking responsible for helping students enroll in even though that's not part of my fucking job description because I'm not a fucking specialist, I'm an assistant, and if you want me to do a fucking specialist's work, maybe pay me the extra thousand bucks a fucking month. but no, instead I don't get paid for it but i DO get in trouble for not doing it perfectly. fuck.

Trying this website because I need to let things out, cuz if I don't I might end up cutting myself as always, it's hard for me to confess but I love cutting myself and harming my body any way possible, I know it's wrong but I don't know what else to do, I get panic attacks but my mom doesn't like labeling and she doesn't like it when I use that word for myself so now even I don't acknowledge the fact I have panic attacks over small and minor thing, ranting like this makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I have no idea what to do

my therapist made me join a program dbt and it doesnt do shit the therapist in the program told me to quit acting and quit my dream of teaching cause i was telling her " i can't ask people in theatre about callbacks cause i dont see any of them cause none are in my classes" so she tells me to quit and this isnt the first time she did smth like this i was talking to someone who my parents hate so she says take away her phone so i had to take my moms laptop cause im not getting anything back ever so now that makes everything harder honesly i hate this program its making me hate myself more and more and it hasnt even been a month its been 3 weeks

I don't like myself but i dont hate myself. I dont find myself attractive but i dont find myself ugly. I dont want to die but i dont want to live the way i am. i cant stand some people but i cant live without them. I hate some of my families' beliefs but i still desperately try to find reason in them.

ive been questioning a lot about myself. my gender, sexuality, and mental health have caused me so much confusion. i have good days and i have bad days just like everyone but sometimes i feel like maybe not everyone goes through the things ive always considered to be normal. I'm gonna break this into groups bc i cant think of a better way to split it up. Gender: sometimes i dont feel like the gender i was assigned at birth but im still comfortable with it most of the time. Basically, i dont mind being called by she/her pronouns but idk if that's just bc im used to it even though it can feel wrong or if i genuinely feel like im a girl. Sexuality: im probably only attracted to people who look and identify as male or masc but idk what label i could use for that attraction bc of the whole gender thing. Mental health: idk if my mental health is bad or if i just am bad at dealing with certain things. Sorry if this was hard to follow but thanks for reading <3

Never had a bestfriend, never had someone like me, I feel unlovable sometimes

I dont know how to explain it when people ask but im scared I suppose im scared of not being good enough im scared of living but im scared of dying too im scared I won't become who I want to be im scared I won't be who they want me to be but im also scared of becoming who I want to be or who they want me to be im scared im so easily replaceable im scared im too much im scared im too little im scared of who I am and who I'm not im scared my partner will someday see how much of a mistake I am and leave me im scared I don't give enough but im scared I give too much too im scared of speaking but im also scared of not speaking im scared the way I love is wrong despite trying my best to do it right im scared of keeping people close but im scared of having nobody too i know im scared of so much more but it's so hard to explain this constant fear I have people always say I'm overthinking it which yes I know but sometimes I feel so alone and the fear consumes me it feels like I'm suffocating

My parents and sister are fighting downstairs again. It's been 2 hours. Fuck life. :)

Every single time. When I have something to look forward to , to get excited about , to be happy n cheerful about .... That stops. Let's say something is all confirmed and all ready to go n I'm excited, but it lasts for a very short time , my happiness is short lived. The plan immediately changes. It's not jus about plans , about everything. Every single time I've noticed this. Evn now. Right now happening. Alwys. I can't evn be happy for a second cus it gets ruined..

Today, I feel that my mom and my therapist let me down today. I am supposed to see my therapist today, but she listed my next appointment in November. Since my mom is on jury duty, she can't help me with this, and I could only send my therapist an e-mail hoping to get answers. I can't call my therapist because she doesn't have a work phone. I have absolutely no one to talk to right now, I need to get this off my chest, because if I don't, I'm going to explode. When I needed my mom the most, she is not here. This makes me both angry and upset, because I have questions that need to be answered pronto, and I couldn't even get that. I am on the verge of crying because of all this, and I can't do anything else right now until this gets resolved. Nothing will make me happy until I get answers. I want answers and I want them RIGHT NOW!

Putang ina!! Edi ako na masamang putang inang magulang!

trying to understand my life cuz i feel that i am pressured to be someone i cant be I have a inner thoughts that tell me that its my life my choices and then when i talk abt it people say im selfish /they understand when they dont .I feel that if i had to stop talking people would ask hy i went quite but its me trying to ughh i cant find the word

sometimes it feels like the only people you can go to are people that don’t know you behind a screen

the life we live is a life without boundries