All Rants

I was just staring at myself thinking until a huge wave of everything I’ve been holding in came down. I started having a panic attack and I just couldn’t stop until I stopped and just cried for idk how long but it felt like forever. I was planning on killing myself or harming myself heavily to where I wasn’t going to hide it. But after the cry I still didn’t feel better I didn’t feel good I still wanted to die I still wanted to harm myself. I always feel like I’m sad and idk how to let it out the only way solution is to harm myself I feel it’s my only option. I’ve been clean for so long cuz Ive been waiting, waiting for a time where I can hide it easily and no one would question me for wearing long sleeves or jackets to cover myself.

I’m so tired of being a loser. I’m ugly, I have no hobbies, my rooms gross, no guys like me, I have no friends, I’m bad at school, and my family hates me. There’s no escape from any of it either. School is hell and home is too. So I’m just left barely existing. I’m just so tired. I don’t have the guts to actually kms but i honestly think about it every day.

My friend had just lied to me and I’m finally realizing all the things she’s done that aren’t ok. We tell her not to say anything because we could get in trouble but she still does it, she ignores wtv we tell her not to do. She doesn’t listen. Now she lost my trust and idk what to do and how to end friendship with her. I already knew someone was going to die this year. I’ve known for a while but I was dreading it to be her or anyone.

i genuinely can't believe that u were my fucking first. i can't even decide wth to trust u or not but i do cus i still like you, i still love u but gosh ur actions r saying the opposite damned u. i really love you.

I can’t believe I put up with you for so long. I really believed you could change. Now when I actually WANT to leave I’m scared I’ll lose you to something worse. You aren’t a good person, nor a good friend. It took me too long to find out to the point where YOUR EX dm’d me to tell me about everything. I’m so grateful she did.

What's a boundary someone crossed that you're still processing? I was raped. Sexualized. I was 4. The.knife feels pleasent. If you stabbed me I'd push it deeper to be closer.to.you. IM committing now. Goodbye

I want to slice my skin until I bleed out. I can't do this anymore.

I can't stand being a kitten in the natural hierarchy of things, but I genuinely don't want to change, nor would I have ever changed in eras preceding this. I'd always be in the lowest caste. The only sense of community I have is in lowbrow fandoms where everything was made without my effort. Where effort is involved, I'm treated as a utility. By temperament alone, because I'm not suited to be like them, I turn every piece of knowledge against myself because historically, I was needed as a peasant or an expendable hand. I wish I could swap bodies with some Californian actor.

I would rather be anyone else. I hate myself more than anyone else could ever. I hate making people worry about me, but I am also attention seeking by asking for help. I think I have all of these mental disorders like ADHD, depression, anxiety and BPD, but i feel it would be attention seeking to tell my parents that. I can't tell anyone anything without Para, the voice that tells me that I am a Sadist and feeds into those thoughts, telling me I am being dramatic and influenced and that I should just die. Sitting in my bedroom alone while the house is asleep at 11 pm holding a knife and threatening Para that I am going to use it isn't usually something that someone my age should be doing.

I am going to be suppressed. The other members of my community don't realize they're next. "Remove the T from LGBTQIA..." Brother, THAT'S YOUR COMMUNITY. All you're doing is destroying the only barrier between you and the floods of bigotry. Once the trans folks are suppressed or dead, its the gays and asexuals, then the lesbians. We are all going to die by somebodys ignorance and the sooner you understand Trump is going after you next, the more of a fighting chance we have. Trump is going to burn us alive... All because of something we cant control. If you genuinely support that man, what are you thinking? I don't care if he fits your religion and pallet better, SUCK IT UP. How could you be so cruel to kill, suppress, illegalize a community of people who didn't ask to be there. Nobody would be gay or trans if it was a choice. All it is is pain, just pain. Who wants that? its not our fault, we don't want to be this way either. But no conservative would listen to my educated views lol :(

I wish to erase myself, I can't erase those like me. Better ones will sneer.

My friend reposted a video with the caption "sometimes i hate being the therapy friend. like sometimes you need to deal with your own problems." after i texted her breaking down crying, i told her i just needed to talk to someone to keep my hands busy before self-harm. now instead of reaching out to the only person i feel safe to talk to about my struggles i guess i'll just sit here and deal with it probably in the wrong way. Note to all strangers struggling: hey guys, i know you've been struggling a lot. i don't have to know what hardships you've been dealing with to understand you "enough". i just want you to know that I love you guys, you are special, individuals that have been growing and pushing through everything. you still have determination in you, and im proud of that. you guys are amazing, so don't ever let yourself down. stay safe and stay tough. love you all

My mom is always calling me lazy but I’m trying so hard. I just need to be left alone. It’s like she enjoys making me miserable.

I’m tired of living at home. I wish my mom didn’t have me. I mean, her whole life was survival. Her having me and my brothers was a mistake that we now have to suffer from. She makes me feel ashamed of being alive.

Why do I like you so much, but I know you don’t like me back at all, you don’t even see me that way. If I told you how I felt, you would be disgusted and distance yourself from me. If I don’t say anything at all, I’ll be hiding the feeling in my chest forever. So I ask myself is it worse to suffer in silence or to suffer alone.

I'm so excited for school to start. I'm going into middle schools and can finally leave that fuckass elementary lol. Most people are nervous. But for me, elementary was a duckling eldritch horror. No 6 year old should attempt suicide. I know I'm developing wrong. I'm 11 and feel super duper whimsical and child-like. Its just that I never got my childhood. People mock me for my struggles, I was talking about why I attempted and they said it wasn't a real reason and compared my trauma to theirs. And yet I was still their friend. At least now I hold some self worth and wont let people treat me like a doormat.

lowk I don’t want to go to school

okay, I will be ranting about a specific music group. I WILL BE DROPPING NAMES. if you disagree its fine jst dont leave a hateful note KATSEYE. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD ALL OF THE MEMBERS, MANAGEMENT AND FANS PISS ME OFF. first: the members. these girls are all so so very talented but they focus more on being sexy and hot. all I have to say about them. THE FUCKASS MANAGEMENT. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SEXUALIZING YOUNG GIRLS. PACK IT UP HxG. They are making them do gross dances, and now all of their songs or music videos are about sex. "your body gets twisted and tangled in mine" "I know you want it on my tongue" SHUT THE FUCK UP. the hootie frutti music video? DISGUSTING. not to mention, they are doing collabs with kids brands. (kuromi, dti, toca boca, etc) I think they're doing this so they can get young kids to also sexualize themselves so it's like a cycle. last, the fandom. EYEKONS ARE SO SO FUCKING ANNOYING. there r some chill ones but most of them r annoying. I don't hate EYEKONS

i had this crazy dream thats making me question everything

I feel like every school year is just a repeat. New faces, new lessons, some years harder than others. But it all starts and ends the same: “this is a chance to grow. A chance to change and be better.” And the endings always like a crisis about whether or not I matter. I want to be better. I just don’t know how to change. I guess I did change, I just don’t know how much. I realized I’m gay, or at least not straight. I realized what I really wanted. I stopped planning for the worst, and stopped caring as much about revolutions, because why should a 13 year old protest? But I’m still disappointed with myself. I haven’t changed much. I’m still here. In this shit hole country. I want to go and try new things, apparently that’s what keeps you from being miserable, but vacations aren’t enough, and it feels selfish to say that. I know not all people get that. I think I might just want to move and get outta here. Maybe for just a month or two. Maybe longer than a year.