All Rants

I wish I didn't exist. I wish that the people that I have met never met me. I wish that my parents hadn't thought they wanted me. That they'd wanted a child. I wish the friends I have made just left me alone when I was "the new kid" in school. With every person I meet I just feel heavier. Knowing I'm important to someone hurts, because I can barely understand my own importance. I don't understand how these people around me can say that I'm their "friend" or their "daughter" with genuine joy or pride, while I'm staring in the mirror wishing I could die right where I stand. It makes no sense.

I never feel like I fit in anywhere. I kinda hate myself all the time I don’t fit with what I’m studying. I’ve never really fit in at school and it’s not like I’m weird or something or that I don’t have friends because I do. I just don’t have the friendships that I see around me. I don’t have people. I can just tell things to. I don’t have a Bestie like that I don’t feel like I’m surrounded by people who support me I’m constantly stressed and sending signals that I’m struggling and yet the people around me don’t reach out and they ignore it. I study so hard and I’m so interested in the topic. I’m studying yet. I’m not succeeding. I do everything right everything that you’re told you need to do in order to be successful and fit in and do all of it and I’m still not enough sucks for a while. I blamed other people because I couldn’t understand but it’s starting to feel like it’s me. I can’t be open with people because I don’t trust them. I don’t let people support me because they don’t re

I'm slowly starting to hate my friends. They're fine when it's one on one but when it's the whole group they're awful to me. Especially someone in my group who says she's "A sweet soul" when she's caused me to relapse on several occasions. Nobody sees it and I just want to leave all of them but if I do I lose the people who are actually nice to me. It is 100% my fault that I picked awful people to be my friends but I can't get out without losing important people. I have some mental issues, and being around them makes them so much worse. I have 2 friends who I think actually care about me, and even then I'm not that important to them, I'm only kept around because I'm funny sometimes. I know I'm probably just being dramatic but even so it still hurts so much how I'm not good enough for anyone. No matter who I surround myself with I will always end up alone. No matter where I am there will always be someone who people like more. I say "It is what it is" but I'm so close to breaking down.

I hate working, how i wish i could just generate income without working this much! :(

im tired of trying. i can't be a good daughter to my father no matter how hard i work. im disappointed in myself. im only 14 and sick of living.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I need to be perfect. I feel like stabbing myself with a pencil. I don't like this. I feel like I'm being pressured into getting everything perfect or I'm punished. I feel like crying even if I get an A, this feels pointless. Even full scores feel nothing to me. All I can feel is sadness and guilt, I'm the friend everyone can vent to, everyone can be comforted by, but I feel horrible like I'm ungrateful and I can't help but compare myself to others. I feel like everything I do is judged even if it's good. I act childish around others, so they don't waste their time on someone useless. All of this stacked on me feeling like it was my fault my mom can't walk anymore because of that driver. Even any slight movement near me feels like I will get hit even if I've never been hit before in my life. I often can't control my feelings. I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel like everyone judges me for my interest of ants even if they aren't.

We're all strong enough to get through the hurt. Fuck everyone else and what they say about us. Or how they make us feel. WE ARE THE STRONG ONES!

My mom has made all of my graduation how she wants it and now she’s pitching a fit because I don’t like any of the basic caps I wanted to decorate it myself but noooo we need a template I comprised I didn’t see any like I wanted they were all basic and not me and she gets mad and gives me the silent treatment my grad pictures I wanted my glasses on the whole time noooooo so I compromised do majority with them off and some with them off I have no headshots for my stupid senior portrait my senior quite she dogged on me the whole time wanting to put something from Hannah Montana when that’s just not me that’s her maybe it’s because she never got a graduation but it’s really bothering me I’m almost in tears at the table I’ve asked her to help me and she doesn’t think about what I want she’s think about what she likes it’s just really frustrating because I’ve had to do my college experience and aid alone and she can’t even help with grad stuff without losing her temper

tell him im sorry. i wont be dead. not physically, at least. i love him. Tell him to remember that.

here comes the aftermath. i tried to end things but i got too scared once i was looking down at the water. i was just on the dock crying and it was so embarrassing sniffling and ppl passing by. i eventually started texting friends because i genuinely couldn’t tell between wanting to live or die. seeing that they care made it feel worse, like why did they only tell me to live now? now that i was almost closer to my goal? i took the train home and now IM in my room, i feel empty. like why am i here, i cleaned my room and everything in case i didnt make it back. but, maybe its now a sign to just actually try to get better instead of venting on here..like my college does free therapy so im planning to take that opportunity now. i hope all goes well for everyone else, this is my last post on here because it genuinely isn’t good to keep on posting like this!❤️

I just wanna go back to being able to just ask him random ass questions like what his favorite dinosaur is or if he prefers brownies with or without nuts. I wanna make food for him not just because I'm in love with him but because making food for my loved ones is part of my love language.

I just want to him to hold me in his arms like he did then. I want to burry my head in his chest, close my eyes, and breathe in his scent. He always smells so nice. I want to feel his heartbeat against my head and hear his breathing. I miss him so much. I want to go back to those times and take more of him in. I'm so fucking sad and he was my comfort, but now he's the reason I'm sad and I can't seek his comfort. I feel like I'm dying without him. I feel like everything is wrong. My breathing feels wrong. I feel him stuck in my chest, but I also feel him in my blood flowing through my veins all throughout my body. I can't stand it. I need him out but I also need him further in. I can only hope he feels the same way so we can someday hold each other again. Our hearts can beat against each other.

I feel like shit. I miss him. I miss having the option to just send him a random reel or text him a random thought. I want to talk to him to clear the air and move forward with our friendship in this new chapter we find ourselves in. But it's too soon still and I told myself I wouldn't contact him directly until his birthday which is in 3 days. It's barely been a little over a week since we last spoke and it was a heavy ass talk. The heaviest we've had and probably one of the heaviest I've had with a friend and someone I have feelings for. I hope he's ok but the toxic and fucked up part of me hopes he's feeling just as bad if not worse than me. He is the one that fucked up after all or at least he carries the biggest fault here. My main fault was letting myself get led on at my big ass age but like how could I not. I wasn't the only one who saw it. Everyone was telling me to just go for it cause it seemed like he was trying to get with me.

I just feel so tired of the loneliness that comes after finally taking a step back from that toxic friend group. Everything's adding up, my body insecurities, unhealthy sleeping habits, that stupid highschool exam that determines if I am a good student or not, and friends, or rather lack thereof. I wish I had someone I could text to without any specific reason, someone I could rant about my crush with, someone with whom I can improve and someone who doesn't see me as competition, but teamwork. My grades are slipping, so are my habits, and it's disappointing to be young and already out of your prime. I hate how prideful I am of skills I didn't even master yet, of how weak-willed I am. I wish I was like one of those instagram models who study 12 hours a day. I can't do that, that's how lazy I am. I also wish I gained my spark back, I wish I could joke freely with my parents, I wish I could laugh without covering my teeth, I wish I could joke the same way I used to.

What the fuck is wrong with everyone?!

I am feeling down, exhausted, tired and just wish I didn't wake up this morning. I am tired I do everything and get nothing in return. My husband will leave and have no communication with me and when I say something about he starts to ignore me, stop talking to me and make me feel like I done something wrong. We had a rough patch about 2 years ago and almost divorce. But I thought we were working through it and was getting better. But he treats me like his enemy sometimes and say things like I don't want you and you can leave out of my life, but tells me to trust his actions and not his words. Well his actions are he doesn't take me out we don't talk about anything but news and whats going on around the world. I try to have other conversations with him but he ignores them. I try to plan things with him and he shuts me down on the planning. I am so hurt and broken right now and he say I am imgaine things

I'm losing my mind slowly. I'm going to break soon... IM BROKEN !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm starting to accept the fact that I will never be good enough in his eyes. I will never be who he needs or wants me to be..

I can't stand how it's normal for adults to be so emotionally unregulated they think it's a sign of trust to unilaterally burden other people with their deepest insecurities and expect the other person to be an on-demand source of reassurance. It feels almost inevitable I become someone's therapist in a relationship or an object of obsession. I don't want to be chased or held up on a pedestal. I don't want to fill the void in someone's life because I will never, ever be enough to fix it- it has to be resolved by that person themselves.

I want to forgive. But I can't. I want to just forget it ever happened but I can't !! The trust is 100% gone. Been together 11 years and it feels like its just all down the drain. I hate myself because I got cheated on. How does that make sense? I keep going over everything in my mind and just keep thinking if I would of did something different none of this would of happened ... I hope it gets easier. And I hope I can stop bringing it up. That's all for today.