All Rants

i sometimes think to disappear so that all of the stress, problems and hatred to self will be gone.

Why I am not good at socializing? Why I am Introvert and so shy? Why I am so scared to speak for myself? Why I am not good at communicating? Why I am so dumb? Why can't I just stop over thinking and just be happy? Why I am me?

i feel so stressed i have abusive parents my mom mostly have been abusing me since i was rlly little it started with words and discipline and then physically shed beat me when i turned like 8 or 9 i started to explore my body and i was reallly curious about it id watch porn and explicit videos and my parents later found out about it they yelled and mentally abused and hurt me my parents beat me with hangers, wires, charging ports, wooden spoons, and js anything they have at the moment it rlly does hurt because i cant escape; my family are rich and i have other family members that abuse theyre children too i couldnt go to them if i wanted to i hate my "african househould" when they think abuse is justified and js discipline i never get to do anything my parents treat my siblings better. this has been going on for so long i jsut wanna die and cry ic ut myself and im scared of reporting anyhting because my mom is pregnant and i rlly js dont wanna go into a bad foster home :(

I can’t open up to people about things whatsoever unless I’m in certainty that they will understand. I had interests I trusted people to know, shows I liked, music I liked, but I can’t share anything anymore. Even in my own family. If I say that I like something people give me weird looks. My family asks why I’m not going to tell them with open arms certain things and then proceed to give me an "euuggghhh.. okay.." look when it isn’t something they’ve heard of. When I’m being creative for myself I don’t share because I’ll be forced to explain every crevice of the piece, and after that eternally judged. I’ve been attacked for my interests so many times by so many people when they’re just normal. My heart and interests and desires are things that take work to dig at, even with those I’m close to. Even if I loved a person with all of my heart and were ready to be as vulnerable as I could with them I don’t know if I could open up about things. I’m too sensitive.

I feel like I’m about to snap. I’m a student athlete and I’ve been hiding how bad my mental health is for months from my therapists, teachers, and everyone. At the start of softball season I was outgoing and high energy, but now I’m just a shell. I’m underperforming on the field and everyone is noticing. My coach called my mom because she was worried about me being gloomy. I panicked and texted my coach saying I was fine. I am 100% NOT ok. I feel like a liar and now I feel like it’s too late to tell the truth because I doubled down I’m in a dark place and have thoughts about ending it, but terrified to say that because I’m a minor and scared of reporting. I don't want my mom to think less of me or look at me like I’m bad. Im so done with pretending. I just needed to put this somewhere because I’m at a breaking point and feel like I’m losing my mind. like i honestly just need some good advice on what to tell my coach i need her help and ive lowk almost reached my breaking point pls.

I feel everything and nothing at all. Maybe that's the BPD, that's most definitely the bpd. Lately it's been less euphoria and more major depressive states. I relapsed in self-harm, regrettably. I have never been this close to ending everything, but I don't know if a part of me is just scared or if it is really the rational part of me refusing to be a part of a statistic. I'm chronically and mentally ill, no cure for anything. Just hope, hope that I have very little of. My 19th is coming up and I'm terrified, terrified because never once did I ever think I would make it. Birthdays are just a reminder that I grow older but my issues persist. I have no one I can fully trust, the one person I did trust with my life is gone. Not physically, but they're not here in the same way they were. My fault.

I hurt my back in February. The medical system is so flipping slow. I tried everything to avoid surgery, but surgery is the route that I need. I am off work until then. My surgeon said 2-3 weeks- his scheduler said June. Wtf. Trying to get them to fill out the paperwork so I get paid until then is ridiculous. Like pulling teeth. I'm bored just sitting at home watching tv and sleeping on the couch. The bed hurts too much for my back. It hurts my knees to walk. Im at my wits end. Friends don't call and check on me. My dad and brother are both POS'S. I honestly don't see anything I've done and would gladly fix anything I have done. My husband is amazing, but he has to work and take up my slack, so he's exhausted at the end of the day... I just feel so alone and sad.

I’m feeling quite down about my friendships lately. They’re already so few, but I feel so disconnected from my friends lately. I know people are busy and have their own things going on so I try to check in and be available, but sometimes I feel like it’s all pointless. Why put in effort or worry so much when the other people won’t even care a fraction as much? People can do whatever they want with their time, especially if I know they want to relax, but it just… makes me a little sad when I see a friend commenting stuff all over social media but they can’t be bothered to text me back until days later. I don’t even bother texting them about stuff I usually would anymore because I know they won’t get back to me very quickly. But they have time to be chatting with people in streams and other sites? Idk. I’d never complain about this to them bc it just makes me seem unreasonable and whiny. But yeah, just a bit sad about how alone I am right now.

I feel really worthless lately. I feel really alone in it and the voice just gets louder every day. I genuinely hate myself, and it's starting to affect my hygiene, I know people are going to say, "just get help!" but if i told someone, they'd just worry, and i feel so worthless i would just hate myself more if someone spent their time on me. I feel a bit suicidal but I'm way too scared of anything dangerous that the chances of me gathering the courage are slim to none. This just makes me feel more stuck, i feel there's no escape.

i want to start this off by saying that i am the one in the wrong here. i was the piece of shit. i'm only venting on here so i don't expose my friends whom i have hurt to my feelings - they do not deserve to carry the burden of my behavior and the feelings associated with them. i went on a cruise and heavily flirted with my roommate the entire time. i confused them so badly that it upset them because for me, it was just for fun, but they stated that for them it was serious and i effectively led them on. i feel horrible. i should have just asked, checked in, or known. we both heavily flirted but had had convos like, "flirting with friends is fun/having crushes on friends is normal/fine/means very little"; but we cuddled and stroked each other's thighs a lot. i'm just stupid! i'm dumb as fuck! i just thought it was a little fun, like the kind you have at a summer camp as a kid. my poor friend. i hope they just friend dump me like i deserve. i hope that entire group does. jesus.

I keep laughing or not showing any emotion during serious situations...i'm convinced I have some messed up phycological thing that make me either emotionless or laugh in situations that I shouldn't. like my parents talk about their struggles sometimes, and my dad was naming all the shit that happened to his mom and I laughed...I didn't want to it just happened. and at funerals I never feel sad,happy, or anger. Just nothing. idk why it's kinda scary...

ap season is really catching up to me and i've been incredibly burnt out. i know i signed up for these classes so that's that but i've been needing to take naps after school. but my mom crashes out on me, yells at me and calls me a liar if i sleep for over 30 minutes. i've been sleeping at 4AM and i have to wake up at 7AM. so obviously i'm going to be tired after school and need a nap these days. but no. she just crashes out and acts like it's the worst thing possible if i even suggest wanting to take a nap. so i've been taking naps without even telling her and now she just comes into my room and yells at me crazy saying how crazy i am to take naps. she's the last thing i want to be stressed about but she just adds to my problem. imagine going back to home where you get yelled at for taking naps. i hate it here.

i just hate i have to be fucking enthusiastic and some kind of "special" only to land a junior it job. I get it - I'm refugee, trans, zoomer, what else?! russian, sure! How much of segragational stuff I have to go thru only to be seen as "unqualified" to get a job? Oh and grinding leetcodes when AI ATS is everywhere? "Who do you want to be?" Hell if I know! Alive and not dead by having no creativity and only 2 years of C++ work (that's also was done shitty) behind!

I know it shouldn’t be that big of a deal compared to other people’s but my mom keeps thinking I’m probably a self centered brat. Today I answered to her in an annoyed tone because okay I just don’t want to hear about this I don’t care. She started saying about how why would I talk to people like that. But I just said just you and dad but that was mainly because they were one of the closest people I am to in my family since my sister is away in university and my older brother and I aren’t close anymore. Like I know the people you get angry at more easily is your parents. I don’t get how she doesn’t understand how I’m just a moody teen at times, but maybe it’s my fault. I kinda wish now that I just stayed silent the whole time she was talking but it just annoyed me too much not to answer in an annoyed tone. So after that she asked me if I thought I was good in the mind, saying how I would act fine with strangers but not them. She kept saying to learn and that I was bad in the mind.

Those ladies did everything they said would happen.

I just dont feel happy like ever i feel my relationship is slowly starting to crumble i feel im losing myself and i have no one for support.

I am really into music and i have been going to violin classes since i was in grade5 and stopped during covid era and started again when i was in grade9 with a new violin teacher he is one of the best in our city and i started cello lessons too and when i was in grade11 i left home to study in boarding school and i can occasionally hv classes when i went home now i js finished my grade12 and started violin and cello lessons but my parents told me not to attend anymore and music is not only my hobby i want to be a musician it is my lifelong dream i always dreamt about my life as a musician and going abroad and be apart of orchestras but today my dad threatened me he would cut off all my freedom and will have no further education or ever go to college if I continue music lessons and its not common here to move out at 18yrs old

I recently got beat up by a girl for no reason, my nose got broken, my face and arms were covered in bruises, and now, i look normal again. So everyone keeps mking fun and making jokes and says, well your face looks normal, so its hard to remeber.... I feel so angry about it and i feel like its not ok. We pressed charges, im still a minor. And, the police are doing nothing...

There is this bitch who we used to be friends but i broke it off since he decided to spread some rumors about me, but the more I leave the more it annoys him even more so he decided to go lie about how i am obsessed with him and I try to fight off people in his life for him. Rumors got so bad that I am being harassed constantly by people coming to my dm's...people in the complex I live in talk about me and the fact that he even turned people I know against me makes me feel even worse. As we speak I'm planning to vacate cause I just can't live here and hopefully I will find better people.

Tw: grooming M14 Some older lady talked to me about stuff stuff awhile ago and I seek motherly validation for it. Obviously that’s not what I’m looking for but I don’t know how to stop, I’m turning 51 🔂 in a couple months and as I age I worry I’m almost “expiring” and I’m not as worthy as I was. I just wanted to get my feelings out there