All Rants

I think what was worse than the diagnosis was the knowledge that I will likely be medicated for the rest of my life, and even then I still have depressive episodes. I was 12 when first medicated. I don’t fully know a life without meds. And I want so desperately to have kids and a family only day, but how can I have kids knowing I could pass this on to them? How can I have a family and make my significant other or kids worry about my mental state because it will never be normal. Stability only lasts so long for me, and I can’t imagine putting someone through that.

Sometimes I feel this fatigue with everyday life. I do feel that I have a good one and I have friends and family who love me, but sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up with the expectations expected of me. I’ve always been the one to do good in school, never get in trouble, and to do well in everything I do. So sometimes, if I do something less than great, it feels like a much bigger failure than it probably should. Trying to be good at my job, good to my family, good in activities I do, while also maintaining a healthy lifestyle, exercising, getting enough rest, staying true to my faith just seems impossible sometimes. It’s there’s always something to do and I feel like I can’t slow down without falling behind. I also feel like I can’t express this because I’m worried it’ll seem like I’m complaining about nothing important while the people around me have real problems that matter. I just feel tired sometimes.

I feel like my struggles don't matter to people and they never will. I wish I was smart, I wish I was skinny, I wish I was lovable, I wish I was a boy, I wish that I could fit in with other people without them looking at me weird, I wish I wasn't such a freak. I wish I was never groomed and assaulted, I wish I didn't feel so alienated from my peers, I wish I could truly relate to the people I surround myself with, I wish my mom and dad would listen to me without making more problems of it, I wish that they would love eachother, I wish I wasn't so uncomfortable around my dad, I wish that people would feel more sorry for me but I also wish I didn't seek out others pity, I wish I could be in the relationship I want but I'm not worth that kind of effort and time. I wish I didn't contemplate killing myself every other day because my existence is so useless, I'm mediocre at my hobbies and I don't amount to anything and I genuinely just want to put myself down because everything is horrible

I feel like being fat and trans just lowk makes me 10x more unlikable to other people, I could pass well if I wasn't fat/"curvy", I'm treated like a lesser woman more than I'm treated as a man and feminized by everyone I know for my features such as large breasts, waist curve and little to no body hair. It's upsetting having an eating disorder but not one that's serious enough for people to care for your well being. When you skip meals it's just you being healthy but when a small person skips meals their in need of protection. At what point do I need to keep starving for it to matter to people. and I feel like my boyfriend doesn't actually like me either. that or it's just dysphoria/dysmorphia talking. I always feel like a fat, foreign monster in the presence of others and I fear I will never belong for the rest of my life no matter if I lose weight or medically transition. Even if I did I feel like my past would just continue to haunt me and in my head I'll always be weird and ugly

My friend is upset at me because of what happened last week when she found this bird that had fallen out of its nest. Just a week ago, her boyfriend found it and they both had gone to me for advice because I have birds of my own. Now I tried to tell them, that I have minimal knowledge on the topic and I am NOT an expert. But I told them the run down, find the nest. If they can't, make one with warmth and then get food. As a result of me stressing out over this, I had only slept 4 hours to help them out. The whole day they had sent non-stop videos and questions. So I told them what I would do, go to a pet shop/vet and ask for help there. They did neither, and then around 8 PM my friend asks where to buy food and all the shops are closed. At this point I'm overwhelmed because they had told me multiple times that day they wanted me to take it in and take care of it.

My asshole feels like a volcano…I hate being anorexic…I miss taking real shits and not laxative forced waterfalls..I got boba today and there’s too much mf foam

Its been only 5 months since I've turned 18, and life already feels like ot's too much to handle. After years of suffering from chronic illness and gender dysphoria, I have just come to the realization that I have missed so many things that my peers have already experienced. Hell, my younger teen years are a blur. I only remember maybe one exciting thing or two that changed me for the better. The only positive thing that has happemed recently is that I started HRT, and even then, the cost is adding up and feels like a burden, though I know if I ever stopped it I'd commit suicide. I don't understamd why my existence has had to be filled with so many hardships. I am at a crossroads right now. Graduation is near and I feel lost. While my best friend is going to college, im taking a gap year. I feel like of something ever goes wrong, sich as losing funds for my estrogen injections, I'll probably kill myself.

i feel like everyone was happier when i wasn't born. and then they turn...depressed after i was born.

In my school, we have a club that basically teachers are in there and students and teachers pick who is the club. And I was so excited, the most excited for the club to start. And I believe it even started because of me and my friend grop's enthusiasm for our senior year. I didn't get in but my entire friend group did and people who literally don't even care and I just wanted to be in a club and got in. I just feel like crying because I literally don't know why they didn't pick me. I know it's not because of anything academic or behavioral and I did sign up. And I have been trying to get over it, telling myself it was probably an accident and they forgot to say my name but they had they're first meeting and nothing changed and I've been trying to shrug it off and try t ppl get over it but I really care. It just sucks to be left out on something you really care about.

Feeling crap because recently I’ve been touch starved and I’m a trans girl so it’s slightly rougher out here to find regular people. Found this one Trans girl who is just so not my type but a pretty okay hang. We hooked up once and it was fun but the second time (last night) I really just wasn’t feeling it and I know it’s because I don’t find her attractive and I feel like shit cuz maybe I’m leading her on but I was trying!! Being open to new people and stuff! But I just felt gross after. It was the first time I’ve hooked up with someone I wasn’t really into and it was mostly because I was lonely. I don’t know my late 20s just kinda suck in this department and I’m sad this made it worse.

I keep telling myself that I'm done. That tomorrow I'll finally do it. But I don't. I honestly keep hoping that maybe I'll get shot or ran over or that maybe I can overdose on some painkillers. Why can't I just do it already? I tell myself I want to die constantly but I also have that little voice telling me not to. I hate that little voice. And I hate the fact that I'm slowly forcing myself to be accepting of the idea of going to hell so I can kill myself without hesitating. I honestly want to start sh ing but I physically can't. I can't do anything. Basic hygiene is hard. Eating is hard. School work is hard. Waking up is hard. Living to my own expectations is suffocating. I don't even know who i am anymore. I wish I could talk to someone about everything. About all of my problems but I can't. I want someone to hug me and tell me I'm enough or that everything will be ok while I just ugly sob, even if I know I won't believe them.

Back in February of this year I lost my baby at 9 weeks and I don’t know what to do. It’s beating me up so bad mentally and I’m afraid of trying again because what if I lose the baby again. One of my biggest fears is that I’m infertile or just not being able to be a mother at all. I don’t know how to talk to my partner about it without breaking down and crying either, he knows I wannabe a mother badly but me being scared is holding everything back

God I wish trans kids are more accepted. I have identified as trans for about two years now. My whole family is Christian and I am not. Im not welcome. I'm practically forced to be Christian and not be trans. I have lost all my friends because my mother took my phone and put me in online school. I have no one left and I feel like I'm trapped. I've lost hope. I feel depressed because I can't express ANYTHING about myself. I cant even talk to my mom because I'm scared she will get mad at me and blame my identity on social media. TRANS KIDS DESERVE RIGHTS!!

i want to die, how can i ask for help?

i consider myself to be socially adept in life, which means having friends and therefore having to keep up with them on social media. but lately i feel so burnt out from everyone i just want to pause everything in time, lay in bed and do nothing but eat sleep and play video games, unpause and then go back to daily life like nothing happened. even scrolling is exhausting - i see an ad every 2 videos on tiktok or instagram and twitter's full of bullshit.and having to see everyone's performance on social media is so stupid to me. i know that social media is and always will be a performance but even so i feel so tired seeing people be fake for the sake of good appearances. all i want is for this whole world to disappear. no amount of partying i do feels good, i dont like anyone including myself, and i want this all to be over one day.

Sit at my desk to try and be productive. Too tired. Start passing out in my chair. Decide to accept that I should just sleep. Go to bed. Roll around overthinking for 3 hours. I really wish I could just sleep to not be tired and then dedicate this thinking energy to something meaningful when I wake up.

Got into a relationship about 17 or 18 years ago. It ended up being a long distance because they had family issues and needed to move. The relationship wasn't perfect. But they would do things to show that I was important to them when they could. But there were times I would get ignored. I would feel insecure, betrayed, angry. And when they respond, needing comfort from their own bad situation, I'd just still be mad. I broke up about 10 years ago now. And after a year, I thought I got over it. And for several years I just fully blamed them for everything going wrong. But over the years, I continued reflecting on myself, improving, becoming more kind, patient, and trusting. It's hard and still in progress. I finally admitted to myself that I was the problem. 3 years ago, I reached out, apologized, and we became friends. We get along a lot better now. They are engaged and I was fine with that. I visited last year and started having dreams about us getting back together. I want them back.

It's so annoying that my family doesn't understand that my disability makes my life harder. Like, I get physically sick if I a certain type of food too often and I can't work if I'm distracted by hunger. My autism makes it to where I would rather go hungry than eat something that I don't like, but I still can't work because I'm hungry. Then, they insert themselves into the situation and berate me for not choosing something even when I explain why that option doesn't work for me. They completely ignore the fact that I'm disabled until it affects them and then they berate me until I freak out. Like, I'm not acting like a toddler, I'm dealing with the struggles of being autistic and you're making it worse.

i hate this world so much. when i was openly radqueer i was so much happier and stress-free. for those who don't know radqueer just means radical queer, accepting of literally everyone. because i actually try to love and support people who are misunderstood like me. but i decided i want to try and make a career online, so i deleted all of my rq accounts, messages, no traces left. and i'm so fucking miserable. i literally want to die. those spaces were SO kind, so loving, so positive, actually offering help and advice, no trolling or ragebaiting or being mean to others (at least the spaces i was in).. now i'm in normie spaces and i hate it. everyone is so rude and cruel, making fun of others and mocking people openly, i don't understand? how do people live like this? i want to go back but i don't want to jeopardize my safety and possible career.. fuck my life dude. i hope i die soon.

Why is making friends so hard. I mean I'm finally trying to talk to people and I'm doing pretty good but I just can't ever get that comfort with people that I used to get back in elementary and middle school. I wish I could live a fun-filled highschool life with parties, deep late-night talks, lifelong friendships and love. What scares me more is that what if college turns out exactly the same. Thousands of what-ifs worry me everyday. Like what if I end up all alone cuz of my incapability of forming human connections. Or what if I never find someone to love. Or what if I never find a bestfriend. Man I don't even know how it feels to have a bestfriend whom I can be very open with, who would know what's going on in my life, who I would be afraid to lose. I have come to this point where I'm not even afraid of losing people cuz of how many people I have already lost.