All Rants

Alcohol is the only thing that helps me say how I feel anymore . 19 months sober for nothing. I can't live a sober life.

I just fucking hate everyone alive on this planet. Legitimately want to just not exists right now. I’m so tired of living. Alcohol just sometimes isn’t enough. People are so shit to eachother.

I feel so disgusting. My dad raped me. I mean I think it was rape. For some reason my body welcomed him, but I hated every second of it. Does that count as rape? And I've a relapse into hurting myself again because of him. He keeps telling me not to tell anyone but Its really hard and its making me feel like shit. I know if I tell someone he'll prob end up in jail and I don't want that and that's why I havn't told anyone but I feel like shit and I don't want this to keep happening. But I know it will because i'm a people pleaser and I cant say no.

i did something that i knew could be wrong, but i didn't know for SURE that the wrong thing was happening, but i didn't take the steps to make sure it wasn't even though i knew it was a possibility. and now it turns out i DID do wrong/bad and i feel evil and disgusting for it. i don't know what to do or how to feel better because i HATE the thing i did and usually ACTIVELLY ALWAYS avoid it but this time i just didn't think enough about it to avoid it and now i did something wrong and i feel horrible.

I hate autism. Ik its not an excuse for any behaviour and im aware ive been mean in the past and current. And im sorry. Im always working hard towards my goals and my future. Sometimes living with autism is hell. Social life is nonexistent, and connections is harder then ever. Love life is also nonexistent too especially when ur lgbtq. But I've accepted it.

Sometimes I think to myself. Why did I ever put so much effort in one person I truly poured my heart and soul into for 3 years. A girl I loved. Although. I know our relationship was not healthy in many ways. I wish it still worked out. But, it happened for a reason. She said I was never the problem and she wanted to work on herself. But, she choose someone else so quickly and pushed me away. Maybe I never mattered in the first place. True love nd dedication isn't worth it anymore.

I'm not used to putting effort into school work. Everything's always been easy for me. But since the start of my sophomore year, I've been struggling in collage algebra. Why do I have to be in collage algebra? Am I ungrateful for hating that I was put in that class? Is it my fault that I suck at math? Sure I haven't had an actual math teacher that sticks around for more than 2 months for the past 3 or 4 years, but others are doing so much better than me. Why am I a failure? I feel myself falling behind and I've barely even had the motivation to get out of bed, I don't even know how I'm managing to turn in (most of) my work. I hate school. I hate that I'm not smarter. I just wish I don't wake up tomorrow morning, just so I don't have to feel so worthless on top of everything else going on in my life.

i lose friends. why? i dont fucking know that. theyre all predictable on one thing, theyll leave as soon as you become comfortable. and its like you cant do anything about it. its just, inevitable. we shouldve just studied without any external connections, maybe that way we all wouldve graduated. i will never understand why people have to put others down when theyre on top of the FUCKING table with their 46 medals of appreciation and not because of their grades. like you have all forms of appreciation do you want a cookie for dragging others down? shitless shameless and fucking deluded losers. all of them have NO RIGHT to talk on who i am when all they do i search for appreciation while putting others down in the dark depths of vision. IF WE WERE ALONE MAYBE THIS WOULDNT HAPPEN. DECADES HAVE PASSED AND YOURE TELLING ME THE EDUCATION SYSTEM HAS ONLY DEGRADED?!

i don't feel good about myself at all. its like i used to be something, but im astronomically not good at anything. i grew up what is supposed to be called normal. i cant understand it. i know that there are seasonal depressions and shit but tmamn this has been so.. long. feels like decades have passed and im fucking done with myself. i want to prove myself right on something positive and not prove my overthinking skills again. i repeat everytime i predicted that someone would leave me because i had nothing on the fucking table. i FUCKING hate everyone. FUCK YOU TO ALL 20+ PEOPLE IN ALL 4 SECTIONS OF MY BATCH LEVEL IN SCHOOL. YOU ALL HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO JUDGE MY LIFESTYLE NOW. YOU WANTED THIS, SO FUCKING TAKE IT. I LOST FRIENDS TIME AND AGAIN AND YOU STILL USE ME FOR FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT. FUCK ALL OF YOU AND YOUR SHIT. IM NOT SOME PUPPY ON TELEVISION TO BE JUDGED. YOU HAVE NO EMPATHY AND WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WITHOUT IT. YOU ALL GREW UP SHITTING AND SHITTING. DIE ALL OF YOU DIE

i hate how i just have to move on. its been 3 years, and i hear that the person i've been dying to meet has to exit apparently. this is killing me inside and yet i still do things i shouldn't all while never being able to meet them. i feel so lost like a opportunity truly happening once has been lost to pure dissipation and its like i cant do fucking anything. im so lonely.

Ever since the cheating he's been acting more happy then ever and I'm still as sad as I was when I found out .. does this mean he finally chose me or am I just being played again ? Wish I could get a mans perspective. Idk. That's all for today .

how i was saying, since Friday 17th, she decided to be another person to be, and she expects that i gonna talk normal to her, and she complained yesterday because i didn't. Bro, life is hard, school fuck us up, and because of school i wanna kill myself, i just wanna end this shit.

mine experience is more about school and how my relationship is going with my mom. First thing is that every thing at school i'm good, unless math, i cannot explain how frustrating it is, how it's affecting my relation with my mom, someone who I love from the deep of my heart. She is mad at me and acts like i'm the problem, and i really am. I have no doubts. How can school be like that. She is yelling at me every day like idk bro. I'm getting tired of it fr. She keep saying that next year we gonna move to another country and if i dont graduate, i'ii stay. Do u know how it feels to have such a weight at your back like it all depends of u. It's like she's saying that everything is my fault, and you know what, maybe it is, maybe its all my fault, my fault that she has all that illness, that she almost died because of the illness that she has, that we still here in this country, the reason of all her stress, the reason of everything. I used to be very very close to her, but since friday

I cannot wait until I finally fucking die. This life is so pointless and I am so useless.

I feel like I chose the wrong career and I'm too far in to change. I finally got my "dream job" about 6 months ago and it's now what i expected it to be at all. For context I'm a therapist. Since I'm a new clinician I have to have supervision. My supervisor is also my boss and during our meetings I don't feel like I'm learning or growing that much. We really just talk about things relating to her business. Most day I feel like a dear in the headlights. I'm trying my best to help the clients I work with most days I feel like im not doing enough. I'm also burned out a bit. this past weekend I felt like I had an impending doom over me because I knew i would have to go back to work on monday. part of my feels like maybe it's the company but the other half is saying maybe it's the career in general. i don't know, but i need to figure it out because the last thing i want to do is cause harm to any of my clients

why are there lvls to sh? its like everyone is competing eachother and i just feel so inferior

so many scratches and only one bled

i'm so tired. Everybody has their end but I wish mine would come sooner, like really soon. Or I wish I could just skip to the future where all these problems are so far behind me. I'm so tired.

I’ve been way too anxious over uv exposure and the negative effects of what it can do to one’s health. I need an advice on how not to think about it so obsessively and still be able to live normally.

idk y but like my mum keeps siding w my sis whenever she does shit to piss me off like tf its not my fault she was born I didn't ask for her y tf ru making any problem associated w her my problem jn I was being nice and clearing ppls laundry but then sm texted me so obvi I replied but then that thing had to open her mouth n be bitchy abt me not finishing up w the clothes first like hello? she complained abt me not clearing her clothes when I wasnt even done w mine yet too if being nice was a crime then at least say so then that way I wont have to always regret being nice mind u this is def not the first or last time shes gonna pull bs like this n I was like sm texted me so I had to reply then my mum was like dont talk to ur sis like that idk y but she always has a problem w how I talk if Im nice Im being sarcastic if Im talking normally like how I talk to my friends she complains abt how I sound like idc whatever I do is not enough for anyone and I js dont know what they want from me.