All Rants

I haven't felt truly happy for 3 years. Oh, it's just school. No. You shouldn't be genuinely depressed craving for a quick end to it in 8th grade but being too scared to leave the 6 people you care about too much. Now today 3 years later, I feel like every happy moment is fake, and I play the part too well. Nobody catches on, but I catch on when others are slightly off. I wish someone would look a little too close at me and see some patterns. I don't want to be a bother, but I also want to enjoy my life. If I can't enjoy it, what's the point. I'm so tired. I want to just sleep and dream of my own happy little world where everything in my family went right, and it be one of those dreams that feel longer than how long you slept. I wish that was real. It always feels real because I feel something in those. I feel stripped of anything 99% of the time. I want to feel something for more than 5 seconds. Please. Make something I'm proud of make me feel that. Please. I'm so tired of faking it.

i cant bring myself to care about anything in my life anymore. i went from a 4.0 gpa high achiever to skipping all my lectures and barely doing anything for my clubs and research labs. i feel like i should care more but all i wish for now is to die in my goddamn sleep. no one fucking gets it and i dont want to burden my friends so all i have in my fucking stupid life is shouting in the void. i want to be a normal college student i want to have a girlfriend i want my parents to love me i want to be happy and not want to kill myself every fucking day i jus twish i was never born at all.

I am a late bloomer(age:20) and have talents in multiple areas. I can sing, dance, draw, compose, write, play a little piano and produce music. How do I get them out to the world and be established? From my childhood, I was always told to suppress my talents. Only a few years ago, my parents started accepting my talents.

I lost. I spent 2 years, working on my mental health only for a competition to set me back 1 year in progress. I had to live up to my sister’s expectations. I hated art because of that competition but I did my best. Because I’m clumped together with all the smart people. But I haven’t done anything to deserve to stand next to them. I spent 78 hours hating myself, went back to self harming, obsessing over my painting, my blood sweat and tears were in it. And someone, my best friend, who did it over night. Won. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate everything. But I can’t hate her. She went through tough shit and I can’t do this. I ended up cutting for the first time because of this and now. Now I’m scared.

Recently ive been dealing with a lot of unprofessionalism, and communication issues in school. I feel alone and frustrated right now and its taking a toll on my motivation, which is great during finals week. My "people pleasing" sub-concious says its ok when really it isn't. I'm learning how to advocate for myself but I'm scared that i'm going to lose relationships along the way, which I can already see. i'm mad at myself for not telling people how i feel, as well as feeling mad at them for treating me this way. It sucks but, oh well.

I think what was worse than the diagnosis was the knowledge that I will likely be medicated for the rest of my life, and even then I still have depressive episodes. I was 12 when first medicated. I don’t fully know a life without meds. And I want so desperately to have kids and a family only day, but how can I have kids knowing I could pass this on to them? How can I have a family and make my significant other or kids worry about my mental state because it will never be normal. Stability only lasts so long for me, and I can’t imagine putting someone through that.

Sometimes I feel this fatigue with everyday life. I do feel that I have a good one and I have friends and family who love me, but sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up with the expectations expected of me. I’ve always been the one to do good in school, never get in trouble, and to do well in everything I do. So sometimes, if I do something less than great, it feels like a much bigger failure than it probably should. Trying to be good at my job, good to my family, good in activities I do, while also maintaining a healthy lifestyle, exercising, getting enough rest, staying true to my faith just seems impossible sometimes. It’s there’s always something to do and I feel like I can’t slow down without falling behind. I also feel like I can’t express this because I’m worried it’ll seem like I’m complaining about nothing important while the people around me have real problems that matter. I just feel tired sometimes.

I feel like my struggles don't matter to people and they never will. I wish I was smart, I wish I was skinny, I wish I was lovable, I wish I was a boy, I wish that I could fit in with other people without them looking at me weird, I wish I wasn't such a freak. I wish I was never groomed and assaulted, I wish I didn't feel so alienated from my peers, I wish I could truly relate to the people I surround myself with, I wish my mom and dad would listen to me without making more problems of it, I wish that they would love eachother, I wish I wasn't so uncomfortable around my dad, I wish that people would feel more sorry for me but I also wish I didn't seek out others pity, I wish I could be in the relationship I want but I'm not worth that kind of effort and time. I wish I didn't contemplate killing myself every other day because my existence is so useless, I'm mediocre at my hobbies and I don't amount to anything and I genuinely just want to put myself down because everything is horrible

I feel like being fat and trans just lowk makes me 10x more unlikable to other people, I could pass well if I wasn't fat/"curvy", I'm treated like a lesser woman more than I'm treated as a man and feminized by everyone I know for my features such as large breasts, waist curve and little to no body hair. It's upsetting having an eating disorder but not one that's serious enough for people to care for your well being. When you skip meals it's just you being healthy but when a small person skips meals their in need of protection. At what point do I need to keep starving for it to matter to people. and I feel like my boyfriend doesn't actually like me either. that or it's just dysphoria/dysmorphia talking. I always feel like a fat, foreign monster in the presence of others and I fear I will never belong for the rest of my life no matter if I lose weight or medically transition. Even if I did I feel like my past would just continue to haunt me and in my head I'll always be weird and ugly

My friend is upset at me because of what happened last week when she found this bird that had fallen out of its nest. Just a week ago, her boyfriend found it and they both had gone to me for advice because I have birds of my own. Now I tried to tell them, that I have minimal knowledge on the topic and I am NOT an expert. But I told them the run down, find the nest. If they can't, make one with warmth and then get food. As a result of me stressing out over this, I had only slept 4 hours to help them out. The whole day they had sent non-stop videos and questions. So I told them what I would do, go to a pet shop/vet and ask for help there. They did neither, and then around 8 PM my friend asks where to buy food and all the shops are closed. At this point I'm overwhelmed because they had told me multiple times that day they wanted me to take it in and take care of it.

My asshole feels like a volcano…I hate being anorexic…I miss taking real shits and not laxative forced waterfalls..I got boba today and there’s too much mf foam

Its been only 5 months since I've turned 18, and life already feels like ot's too much to handle. After years of suffering from chronic illness and gender dysphoria, I have just come to the realization that I have missed so many things that my peers have already experienced. Hell, my younger teen years are a blur. I only remember maybe one exciting thing or two that changed me for the better. The only positive thing that has happemed recently is that I started HRT, and even then, the cost is adding up and feels like a burden, though I know if I ever stopped it I'd commit suicide. I don't understamd why my existence has had to be filled with so many hardships. I am at a crossroads right now. Graduation is near and I feel lost. While my best friend is going to college, im taking a gap year. I feel like of something ever goes wrong, sich as losing funds for my estrogen injections, I'll probably kill myself.

i feel like everyone was happier when i wasn't born. and then they turn...depressed after i was born.

In my school, we have a club that basically teachers are in there and students and teachers pick who is the club. And I was so excited, the most excited for the club to start. And I believe it even started because of me and my friend grop's enthusiasm for our senior year. I didn't get in but my entire friend group did and people who literally don't even care and I just wanted to be in a club and got in. I just feel like crying because I literally don't know why they didn't pick me. I know it's not because of anything academic or behavioral and I did sign up. And I have been trying to get over it, telling myself it was probably an accident and they forgot to say my name but they had they're first meeting and nothing changed and I've been trying to shrug it off and try t ppl get over it but I really care. It just sucks to be left out on something you really care about.

Feeling crap because recently I’ve been touch starved and I’m a trans girl so it’s slightly rougher out here to find regular people. Found this one Trans girl who is just so not my type but a pretty okay hang. We hooked up once and it was fun but the second time (last night) I really just wasn’t feeling it and I know it’s because I don’t find her attractive and I feel like shit cuz maybe I’m leading her on but I was trying!! Being open to new people and stuff! But I just felt gross after. It was the first time I’ve hooked up with someone I wasn’t really into and it was mostly because I was lonely. I don’t know my late 20s just kinda suck in this department and I’m sad this made it worse.

I keep telling myself that I'm done. That tomorrow I'll finally do it. But I don't. I honestly keep hoping that maybe I'll get shot or ran over or that maybe I can overdose on some painkillers. Why can't I just do it already? I tell myself I want to die constantly but I also have that little voice telling me not to. I hate that little voice. And I hate the fact that I'm slowly forcing myself to be accepting of the idea of going to hell so I can kill myself without hesitating. I honestly want to start sh ing but I physically can't. I can't do anything. Basic hygiene is hard. Eating is hard. School work is hard. Waking up is hard. Living to my own expectations is suffocating. I don't even know who i am anymore. I wish I could talk to someone about everything. About all of my problems but I can't. I want someone to hug me and tell me I'm enough or that everything will be ok while I just ugly sob, even if I know I won't believe them.

Back in February of this year I lost my baby at 9 weeks and I don’t know what to do. It’s beating me up so bad mentally and I’m afraid of trying again because what if I lose the baby again. One of my biggest fears is that I’m infertile or just not being able to be a mother at all. I don’t know how to talk to my partner about it without breaking down and crying either, he knows I wannabe a mother badly but me being scared is holding everything back

God I wish trans kids are more accepted. I have identified as trans for about two years now. My whole family is Christian and I am not. Im not welcome. I'm practically forced to be Christian and not be trans. I have lost all my friends because my mother took my phone and put me in online school. I have no one left and I feel like I'm trapped. I've lost hope. I feel depressed because I can't express ANYTHING about myself. I cant even talk to my mom because I'm scared she will get mad at me and blame my identity on social media. TRANS KIDS DESERVE RIGHTS!!

i want to die, how can i ask for help?

i consider myself to be socially adept in life, which means having friends and therefore having to keep up with them on social media. but lately i feel so burnt out from everyone i just want to pause everything in time, lay in bed and do nothing but eat sleep and play video games, unpause and then go back to daily life like nothing happened. even scrolling is exhausting - i see an ad every 2 videos on tiktok or instagram and twitter's full of bullshit.and having to see everyone's performance on social media is so stupid to me. i know that social media is and always will be a performance but even so i feel so tired seeing people be fake for the sake of good appearances. all i want is for this whole world to disappear. no amount of partying i do feels good, i dont like anyone including myself, and i want this all to be over one day.