All Rants

Someone wrote something to me in one of my posts and it ever so slightly gave me back faith in humanity. they said this. "itll be okay Astro i dont wanna say ik and i understand cus i dont but ik how fustrating it is when ppl say they know when they dont anyway itll be okay keep pushing thru alright? be kind to urself ml-f.g" To whoever FG is... thank you. It meant a lot to me in such a hard time of my life. I couldn't have asked for more than that. -Astro

I’m stuck I don’t think I deserve this life if I’m not going to do anything why am I even living. There’s someone out there who is desperate for the life I live now, they are way more determined to live and to turn their life around yet I have all the resources but I don’t have the brain or the will to continue or to make change.

ahh fuck i hate my life i sh so fucking much i dont wanna count it tho cus its only a safety pin and they rarely bleed much either but i did it 50 times yesterday no exaggeration and 42 the other i swear ill be clean for 1 day and then do it a shit ton of times the next i wanna die im fully prepared and i js feel like i watch my friends like i have no friends and im not my closest friend's friend by far and no one would notice if i actually did or maybe then they would finally realise and maybe care a little..-f.g

I love reading/writing but hate it at the same time because it just reminds me of how depressing my social life is. It does serve as a good distraction (and overall very comforting, coming from an introvert) but it’s the only thing I cling to nowadays, and I’m afraid it’s starting to become another addiction. My health is bad enough as it is.

Can tell it's a slow news day when the local rag publishes not one but two articles about someone seeing a rat outside maccies. Ooh a hungry rat going somewhere where drunk people drop their food on the floor, shut down the city!

I really miss my hometown. We often take mini trips there when things get rough or whenever we feel like it but I honestly just wanna move back there. There was something about the air that felt so comforting, the people were much nicer. It was so peaceful. Obviously I know it might be different now, as it has been years but still. I just want a fresh start because it feels as if I’m fucking losing my mind here

I graduated a few months ago with a bachelor's in environmental science. I guess I just feel so behind everyone else, even though I know not to compare myself to my classmates, but it just gets the best of me. I barely have any job experience, other than being a research assistant for a semester cause of course, the position was only offered for one semester, but that was 2 years ago. I have only 2 GIS projects under my name that I am proud of, and a capstone project. My GPA isn't the best either (I was basically a B- to B student, which I know I could've done better). So I feel stuck watching most of my environmental friends get jobs right after they graduate, go to law school, or start a master's program, while I can't even show anything. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely proud of them, but the feeling of everyone doing well while I can't even show anything for myself and can't land something is just so disheartening. I just feel so stuck and discouraged.

Today, I was so angry at my sister that I broke one of her possessions, I can't believe I did this. I'm such a bad person, I've always thought im a good person and would never hurt others, but I guess I was wrong. She said mean things to me, and in a moment of rage, I did it, and was so shocked after it has happened. I was really unable to process what had happened. I feel like I should be punished very harshly to be forgiven. I'm thinking that I'm such a bad person that doesn't deserve love at all. Maybe that's why she bullies me.

i hate school. i hate home. i hate my friends. i hate my mom. i hate my dad. i hate my family. i hate myself i hate everything. i want to dissapear. everytime i eat i hope i choke. everytime i take a bath i hope i drown i want to die. my mom is disgusting. i hate her i hate her i hope she dies. i hope i die. im disgusting, mean akward andugly. i dont deserve to fucking live i dont deserve anything. i should rot in hell.

Well. I noticed i have lernt to hate christians so mutch it has become a problem for my everyday life and i cannot stop anymore. I know its wrong but i cant stop hating their constant lying. I have even so bad thoughts that i wish i could just shoot them. Im sick and tierd of listening their jesus trash. It is a huge problem on my end. I know it is an issue i even went to therapy. It did not work. I am tierd of listening their trash lies.

I hate living at my dads. Some days I just cry in my room because I want to go back to my moms, or get away from here. Both I guess. I wish I could have more freedom in my life but I'm still a kid so its not really up to me.

My runaway brother came home today. My parents set up an alarm system to warn them if anyone opens a door. I have school pictures thrifting and baking stuff tomorrow but I'm sure I'll be worried the whole time... -Astro

im so tired. i cant think i cant drive i cant do anything, im going nowhere, i want to die

i am so ugly i am going to cry. i never take pictures of myself. when i try to? i delete all of them because i am too ugly. nobody understands. i hate my face. and you know the funny part? i am too scared to point it out because i know nobody will reassure me. even with my bsf i am scared. no one will tell me “omg no what ure so pretty”. instead, they will stay silent. they will laugh awkwardly and look away. they will say with reluctance “everyone is beautiful”. fuck. everyone i know is prettier than me. i’ve cried multiple times because of this. it doesn’t make it better that i don’t have many friends (i deal with social anxiety) and nobody has called me pretty other than my friends and family. i wish i was joking. i am trying to lose 29Ib to get my face slimmer. it probably won’t work bc i think its genetic but whatever. also i am 5’0! which makes it worse. i wish i was 5’7. anyways ive already lost 4Ib in a week so thats good. i dont see any changes. i fucking hate myself.

feel like I'm letting everybody down. I just jerk off, play videogames, watch reels. Now that summers over, it'll be better. But still, I can hardly handle not being occupied with one of these things for longer than a few minutes unless I have some other guided activity. But every day from school I get home, jerk off, scroll reels, hop on games with my friends. I want to go outside but I'm scared. I want to try something new but I'm scared. I'm weak and small and never the best in the room at anything.

(mb this is stupid but this can't be left in the drafts again) Speaking hurts. I cant sleep without thinking about every conversation Ive ever had where I never learn to speak the right words at the right time. all I do is cry and sulk like a pathetic baby bitch. Its hard to do anything social without being on the verge of tears during or after. The worst part? Many times its infront of others so now they probably think I do this for attention and think Im pathetic too. I cant even go to my closest friends or find any sort of help without feeling like I'm a shit person, it will only make things worse, and/or everyone I know already hates me. I wish I could get something to fix me myself or even just a name for what's wrong with me so I know I'm not making things up. I was supposed to have fresh start but now Im back where I started, and it's only getting worse. I'm going die like this arent I? I hope its soon. Im so much of a coward that I can't even bring myself to do it.

My ex, I’ll call him R. I had a big crush on him and he felt the same, I felted like the happiest boy ever. One day I vented to R about self harm (from texting), I told him to not tell anyone. The next day at school he saw my self harm cuts that were still red on my arm and then kissed them, telling me not to feel sad or anything. His mom finds the messages we had and his mom calls the hospital on me, I got send there for about a few days. The next day when I see him he looks at me weird and then tells me how much a shitbag I am and switches up on me. Half a year ago and yet I still like him.

I don't want to be trans. I wish I were still secure in being cisgendered. I wish I never had that random thought of wanting to dress like a woman. I don't want to do all the hard work of transitioning. I'm not strong enough. I don't love myself enough. I'm too lazy. I've always been too lazy to do the hard things that are good for me. I would half-ass it and give up halfway through and be stuck as a dude with boobs and hate myself even more. Not to mention all the other people out there, all the bigots and transphobes, who would start hating me, too. I'm not capable of doing it. I want all of this uncertainty to go away, all of this desire to change myself or start HRT to go away. I just want to go back. I wasn't always happy, before, but at least it was familiar and safe. I just want to go back...

My mom is so weird at times. It feels like she cares but at the same she doesn’t. She takes care of me, buys me things, but she also yells at me most of the time. Sometimes she’ll call me slurs (targeting to queer people and people with disabilities) or grab my wrist to the point they start to bruise. One time I had really bad depression and started to bed rot. My mom walked in my room one day and got so mad she started throwing my own things at me. And then she tells me she loves me. I can’t tell is she’s lying or not.

im feeling so bad rn i think i might relapse and sh or get a drink...idk anymore