(PT1)I despise my ex girlfreind and my hatred for her- I can't even begin to describe. Time after time I gave her the chance to tell me the truth to which she responded with no, until I went and found outside answers for what I found she was hiding from me. The thing is- I was willing to keep what I found private until she decided to go behind my back and delete all of my summer writings after I had asked for a break to focus on my goddamn college assignments so I could get my associates degree. When she went behind my back and then blocked me, so that I wouldn't have anyway of asking why she did those things. She triggered something in me- she became the enbodiment of the PTSD that I had told her about and the PTSD of my family being evicted from our home when I was 11yrs old. We only had 24hrs to leave our home and we all know damn well you can't pack up a home in 24hrs. I lost so much things I had since I was a small child and family heirilooms. Much of what was left was stolen.
Recent Rants
People don't understand that I'm at least more pent up than I should be but I have to act completely normal at all times, lest I be upsetting at bear minimum but because my home environment doesnt give space for my pent up ass to even self care for it which im sorry but no I need someone... I just wish I could lose all inhibitions and be able to be basically a stress toy. I'm sick of being alone in utilitarian family land. Sick of being the dependable without any true way to care for myself. I tried meeting people and I get I caused problems, my fault as it normally is but maybe fucking understand I can't do better because I've no fucking option. At least this form of suffering is in earnest unlike that crap red pill philsophy garbage. Im tired. So, tired.
I hate thoes yt shorts where they show some stupid non funny video of wasting food then suddenly show a white Jesus….bro- JESUS IS BROWN + HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WASTING FOOD. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP. You just want clout 😭😭😭
the unrelenting desire to continue pushing no matter what odds are stacked against you is something that's hard to maintain but GOD it's satisfying once you do -r.s
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I have my light in my life. I have everything I could want in my life. So why do I still feel incomplete? Why do I feel like something is always weighing me down? Is always dragging me under millions upon billions of sand grains covering every part of me and every exit that I could've went out of?
It’s pointless to stalk or keep tabs on me everywhere when your heart already belongs to someone else. Please stop doing that. It’s uncomfortable and creepy
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Thank you god ji for removing him from my life. I’m grateful and I was delusional all these years. Thsnk you for opening my eyes and showing me the truth. I wish the best for them and I hope he stays loyal to her
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so i'm on a zero hour contract. Work is shit, hardly get any hours, like 3 shifts a week. Looking for a new job but every job i find it's way out where i live. like over an hour on a bus. I don't drive so i have to rely on buses everywhere. I feel like i'm failing at life. I'm in my 30's and i can't drive, can't afford to move out and i suck at my job.
There's this whole situation with someone I really like. She's my crush, but she's straight, and I've liked her for a long time. I told her how I felt before, and she was actually really kind about it, but I still have feelings for her. I've been trying to just act like a normal friend, but lately I've been overthinking everything and worrying that I've somehow made her uncomfortable or stressed her out. I care about her so much that sometimes I end up blaming myself for things I probably can't control. And then there's everything else going on in my head on top of that. Sometimes I feel like dying, and I've struggled with hurting myself before. I don't want to go into details, but recently I got scared I might hurt myself again. I moved away from anything I could use, and I'm okay right now, but I'm still scared of where my thoughts can go.
not to join the cacophony of, "damn, i wanna kms," on here, but... damn. sigh. im just not really sure what to do anymore. over the past year, i've gotten wombo combo'd by contamination/cleanliness OCD and worsening chronic fatigue (when i was already disabled) so going out for even a day takes all of my energy and then some, knocking me out for a day or two after, and then aggravates my depression instead of making me feel any bit better, but the only way to "get better" is going to be by going out and trying to do all the hard things until something clicks. it's just... it feels useless right now. it doesn't feel like im getting anywhere and i feel like i spend more time not doing anything than i do making progress, and even if i do make progress, what if im still this fucking sick at the end of it? ... i feel like im stuck here. alone. with nobody able to help me. treatment resistant and broke, unable to work. no real passions or motivations. it feels like im already dead.
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I used to think horribly about hook up culture and now, I think it is great, probably because my ex traumatised me so much, and somehow found someone else who also got traumatised by their ex. Meaning we are basically trauma bonding while fucking each other.
how to open a pomegranate it wasn't always messy. you just needed to be careful. to follow the white lines, to open it slowly, to know that beneath the skin were hundreds of little pieces holding themselves together. but you were impatient. you tore through the skin and watched the red spill across your hands. you called it messy. you never noticed how carefully everything had been held together before you touched it. some pomegranates bruise long before they split open. and somehow, you still blamed the red for staining your hands. when really, it was only everything that had been hidden beneath the surface. you could have been gentle. you could have taken your time. but by the time you learned how to open it without breaking it, there was nothing left but seeds on the table and red on your hands.