All Rants

Am I supposed to have a lot of friends? I am happy going to school today I have people I enjoy hanging out with in every class. And friends outside of classes, but it feels like I have a lot of random connections with tons of people instead of like I am really close with like these three friend groups. Like most of the connections I have, I don’t have their number or nothing. I have 2 bffs then just tons of random friends throughout my school. But like idk. 🤷‍♀️ I only really hang out with my best friends. But I am happy sooooooo. And I only sit with one friend at lunch. But also out of anyone I would choose I would choose to sit with her. But idk I don’t feel lonely, I am just comparing myself to others. Like I am a pretty extroverted and social person I get along with almost everyone. But yeah idk 🤷‍♀️

i feel like the worst human being alive - i got pulled up at work on Tuesday for accidentally having a TMI moment with a customer (i’m a checkout girl) and then a supervisor was insanely rude to me. i have autism, PTSD, generalised anxiety disorder and BPD. i have so much to be grateful for: beautiful family, a wonderful support system, and lovely coworkers, but i feel like a burden to myself and everyone around me, even my support system. i feel like my heart is missing, like it’s not even there. i have tried so much to self regulate in stressful situations, such as reframing my thinking, putting my phone down, literally anything you can think of, but nothing is working. my life is a fucking joke.

if i wanna be my self in this state (a pansexual femboy living in far south of NC) i could literally be killed...i just wanna go to vancouver with my beloved...

I am so anxious to go to school it is my 5th week back but I have been missing a lot of school the most recent on which is being in the hospital for a car accident I am not getting bullied or anything I am just really scared to go back I am not sure why but the thought is really intimidating

Worse yet, she has our dms, which she is afraid of other people finding because it further validates everything thing I said. So, I went to a Grampo server the official one and sent the allegations to people. So, about 4,042 people more than likely know what she did. Better yet her “heros” know. In retrospect that get back is a motherfucker.

The first time I tried smoking was when I was 14. Smoking and going to hookah parlours with my friends was a norm back then. I left that lifestyle after I hit 20s and it felt good

I recently moved to a new school and I miss my old friends so much. another guy from my old school moved here too, and he's made friends sooso easily. he's popular and gets such good grades and is better than me at the one thing I love with my whole heart. Most of my friends like him more than me or have a massive crush. Or they become friends just to ask about him. I feel completely useless, I wanna go back to how everything was. but nothing will ever be the same again.

Overall, I spit on her gave and piss on her alter. She became upset when I refused to fit the persona she had bulit for me of being her "secret lover". When I stopped letting her text me when she was bored, lonely, or horny. I hope more people find out what a devious, treacherous piece of shit that she is.

pt3) I wish I felt bad for her but I don't. I can't, I didn't eat for two weeks because of what my triggering made me remember- I feel like a part of me died. I can't describe it truly. I was naive for loving her, trusting, her believing that our former relationship was good and pure. When I searched for answers I honestly didn't expect to find what I did. I never had malicous intent in my intial search. She lied to me so many times, to the point where I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. She didn't even tell me that she was in highschool and in the allegation they said she was held back a year, but in another server we were in she said some other bullshit as reason of why she was still in high school, but with the reason reversed? I don't even think she was 18 years old, because of all of this, yet she hangs out in 18+ servers so I felt I didn't even have a reason to ask her how fucking old she was.

Pt2) So I realeased the allegations and I ruined her with truth. I found out my girlfreind had been forcing herself onto non-verbal adults, forcing people into relationships with her. And worse yet- each allegation showed similar traits of the things she would do with me. She had claimed to be polyamorous, yet based on the allegations she had been lying to all of her partners and doing shit behind their backs. I don't even think she knows what polyamory is. The foundation is supposed to be truth right? So, I started an investigation and she lied to the investigators repeatively in her sad attempts to DARVO; Somehow become the "hero" of all of this? She has even gone on to say that I attempted to ruin her life and that she lost freinds because of me. No, she lost friends because of herself and the things taht she was doing. To make matters worse she was sending me crazy anonymous texts that she never told me directly during the investigation- mind you- that she didn't do or say.

(PT1)I despise my ex girlfreind and my hatred for her- I can't even begin to describe. Time after time I gave her the chance to tell me the truth to which she responded with no, until I went and found outside answers for what I found she was hiding from me. The thing is- I was willing to keep what I found private until she decided to go behind my back and delete all of my summer writings after I had asked for a break to focus on my goddamn college assignments so I could get my associates degree. When she went behind my back and then blocked me, so that I wouldn't have anyway of asking why she did those things. She triggered something in me- she became the enbodiment of the PTSD that I had told her about and the PTSD of my family being evicted from our home when I was 11yrs old. We only had 24hrs to leave our home and we all know damn well you can't pack up a home in 24hrs. I lost so much things I had since I was a small child and family heirilooms. Much of what was left was stolen.

People don't understand that I'm at least more pent up than I should be but I have to act completely normal at all times, lest I be upsetting at bear minimum but because my home environment doesnt give space for my pent up ass to even self care for it which im sorry but no I need someone... I just wish I could lose all inhibitions and be able to be basically a stress toy. I'm sick of being alone in utilitarian family land. Sick of being the dependable without any true way to care for myself. I tried meeting people and I get I caused problems, my fault as it normally is but maybe fucking understand I can't do better because I've no fucking option. At least this form of suffering is in earnest unlike that crap red pill philsophy garbage. Im tired. So, tired.

I hate thoes yt shorts where they show some stupid non funny video of wasting food then suddenly show a white Jesus….bro- JESUS IS BROWN + HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WASTING FOOD. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP. You just want clout 😭😭😭

the unrelenting desire to continue pushing no matter what odds are stacked against you is something that's hard to maintain but GOD it's satisfying once you do -r.s

I have my light in my life. I have everything I could want in my life. So why do I still feel incomplete? Why do I feel like something is always weighing me down? Is always dragging me under millions upon billions of sand grains covering every part of me and every exit that I could've went out of?

I’m tired of your push and pull thing. You really need some therapy for ADHD

Please stop whatever you’re doing Just focus on her

It’s pointless to stalk or keep tabs on me everywhere when your heart already belongs to someone else. Please stop doing that. It’s uncomfortable and creepy

Thank you god ji for removing him from my life. I’m grateful and I was delusional all these years. Thsnk you for opening my eyes and showing me the truth. I wish the best for them and I hope he stays loyal to her

Oh uska account private hogaya More sunshine to him sun 🌞