i know just how terrible the idea of attempting murder against myself is. The problem is the thoughts come and never leave. Even if they go for a while, they do not leave. They'll come back after circling for a while. i hate myself every day more and more, and i hate that i do. All of this mixed with my beliefs just make me feel so awful... How can i feel like this believing in what i believe...? But i really have no control over these thoughts and feelings... i have no idea of what to do... Just want them to stop for damn once. i know writing this won't help on anything; no one will reach out, nothing will change. It's an anonymous platform, after all. i just feel like i'm going to explode sometimes. It's so much i want to bang my head against something, anything, to shut this thing up finally. i am sorry i had to become like this. i don't know what made me become this. i just hold onto that small hope that i will get out. If not today, another day.