i know just how terrible the idea of attempting murder against myself is. The problem is the thoughts come and never leave. Even if they go for a while, they do not leave. They'll come back after circling for a while. i hate myself every day more and more, and i hate that i do. All of this mixed with my beliefs just make me feel so awful... How can i feel like this believing in what i believe...? But i really have no control over these thoughts and feelings... i have no idea of what to do... Just want them to stop for damn once. i know writing this won't help on anything; no one will reach out, nothing will change. It's an anonymous platform, after all. i just feel like i'm going to explode sometimes. It's so much i want to bang my head against something, anything, to shut this thing up finally. i am sorry i had to become like this. i don't know what made me become this. i just hold onto that small hope that i will get out. If not today, another day.

my biggest fear is that im never going to be good enough. for my parents for my friends and for myself

im bipolar. im medicated or trying to be bc i snap easy at the ones i love and others around me. i tried lithium and it really did help but it made me so tired. but this crap im on now doesnt seem to be helping like at all. i dont want to be on anything really, i was just smoking mary j to help with things but no longer do that bc of personal reasons. it is what it is i guess but its not fucking great. i just want to be happy and "normal" without having to take some kind of medication to be that way. why cant my body produce the things it needs to normally?