Rant #2570

my brother died almost exactly a month ago and i just had a dream where he was still alive. the dream was weird because we were still preparing his funeral stuff but he was still alive. also he mentioned our sister’s birthday and the age she would be turning which isn’t her actual age but it wasn’t like a memory like everything was still the same as it was when he died. so thats just kind of weird. i also feel like i haven’t like mourned him enough and that i’m just like completely over his death. i don’t cry about it and i pretty much went back to my normal life. i just feel like an asshole not grieving or being sad that MY OWN BROTHER died. but then again i feel like if i do cry or get sad about it it’s almost performative and not genuine. ik everyone grieves differently but i just can’t help but feel like i’ve moved on. i will be honest and say i miss him being around and that everything feels weird and i freak out whenever i think about how he’s gone forever