Rant #2497

I feel so stupid for it, I dont even know how to properly connect with people anymore. All of my friends feel distant and I am like, SCARED of them. Last time I had a partner I became terrified of the intimacy we had which wasnt even that close. We only kissed, and that was enough to send me into a spiral where I avoided school, started feeling sick with anxiety about seeing him and such. I went from loving him and not wanting to be apart from him to becoming sick with fear every time I thought about him. I don't do my work even though I know I should and could, and I dont focus in class. I feel distant from everyone. Like I genuinely wouldnt care if they left. And I often wish I never met some of my closest friends. Not because of anything they did, purely because I just dont want friends. I feel so stupid for all of it. Im failing my classes, im going to get fired from my job, and i feel like a piece of shit knowing I could fix it if I tried but I just dont im like trapped inside me.