Rant #2441

I have really bad trust issues and have been in many abusive relationships and I finally got to a healthy relationship but I keep feeling like I'm doing things wrong or that they don't like me anymore and they're only dating me out of pity because I told them about me being raped by someone I loved and that I self harm almost everyday and I just want to kill myself but then I think 'what if they actually love me, how would they react and feel' and it always pulls me back from the knife or rope but constantly I've been just feeling the urge just to make a really deep cut or break into my school's roof access and just jump, even if it only injures me or sends me to a psych ward I would be okay with it, I just want to die right now because I feel like I'm losing them and all my friends, maybe that's just me isolating but I feel like anytime I try to just hang out it always either feels like their busy or they bring another person and leave me alone stuck with my thoughts to kill myself