Rant #2296

I enjoy hurting myself in any shape or form from cutting to purposely self sabotaging any good thing in my life. I am attracted to gore and romanticising killers and cannibalists, to watching it, and learning all the ways they do it in podcasts…how I’ve always felt like an outcast but not the normal like “oh nobody likes me” it’s more of a “I’m not real and this world is just simulation and everyone is being made to hate me”…..I hate when someone has worse mental health then me I feel so competitive that I purposely make myself worse to feel like I’m the best. I go from self loathing to thinking I’m the best in the world and that everyone is a loser. I’ve purposely stalked people, learning every pathway they walk and their schedules, favourite foods down to certain behaviours they express only to certain people, to learning their socials and who they are friends with to families. I get that it’s wrong and messed but if anything I could not care less.