Rant #1998

I feel like being fat and trans just lowk makes me 10x more unlikable to other people, I could pass well if I wasn't fat/"curvy", I'm treated like a lesser woman more than I'm treated as a man and feminized by everyone I know for my features such as large breasts, waist curve and little to no body hair. It's upsetting having an eating disorder but not one that's serious enough for people to care for your well being. When you skip meals it's just you being healthy but when a small person skips meals their in need of protection. At what point do I need to keep starving for it to matter to people. and I feel like my boyfriend doesn't actually like me either. that or it's just dysphoria/dysmorphia talking. I always feel like a fat, foreign monster in the presence of others and I fear I will never belong for the rest of my life no matter if I lose weight or medically transition. Even if I did I feel like my past would just continue to haunt me and in my head I'll always be weird and ugly