Rant #1944

my parents are disappointed because i went out and didnt tell them, even though i didnt drink alcohol or dance or anything, we literally played cards and drank fruit juice. i feel like lately everything is going wrong, i dont even feel guilty or anything, i just feel empty and i dont know what to do. i have so many feelings that im not allowed to show, so many thoughts and words unsaid and i dont know what to do with my life anymore. ive lost all my passions and i keep pretending that im fine so much that the only moments im myself is when im in my room alone with no one watching and i dont know how to stop. ive got these two guys stuck in my head and i dont know how to get them out, i dont know how to stop thinking. i dont know how to control my emotions and because laughing and smiling are my defense mechanisms everyone thinks im happy but i actuallly feel dead inside. and i cant even go to a therapist because im not allowed to . i feel so stuck and theres nothing i can do.