I feel like giving up. So much is going wrong in my life, yet its all on the inside for me. Yet, even though I'm at my worst, I find ways to go lower. I invalidate my feelings to the point of feeling like I'm not living my own life. So many times I've snapped myself out of zoning out, or I've stopped for a moment and felt like my control suddenly was regained in the moment. I felt like I was watching a television show about my own life. I'm so scared for my best friend because she's in a terrible place and she's suicidal, so I constantly invalidate my own suicidal thoughts and my own feelings so that I can care for her. I'm Christian so I'm ruining my life when I think about killing myself, or watch porn, or swear, or do anything I'm currently doing right now. Temptation is eating at me, and its making me wither away. I've come to my senses enough to not fully want to give everything up, but trusting God always has a plan for me isn't enough most times. I want kids.. I can't die yet.