After mom died, something in me js shut off. I kept telling everyone I was amazing, that I was handling it, that I just needed time. And I believed that for a while. But I never really let myself feel it. I just kept distracting myself, kept everything numb because it was easier than letting it hurt. I know it hurt her. I was always somewhere else even when I was right there. I saw it in her face, in the way shed try to get through to me and I’d js stall out. I didn’t know how to give her what she needed. I didn’t even know how to understand what I was feeling, so I just kept pushing it down and hoping it would sort itself out. Everything I didn’t deal with just kept building up. The grief, the distance, the guilt of knowing I was messing things up and not being able to stop. It’s like I’ve been holding my breath for years without realizing it, and now I don’t know what to do now that it's come out. I'm tired and i cant keep going. I'm sorry my love and I'm sorry to those in my life.